Deathwishboy

I wasn't sure where to put this seeing as it was just a rough scribble I wrote while I was on the bus home, after I heard someone had been shot in my local area. I've never really tried writting in the 2nd person. Its always something I think works well visually as a voice over in films etc, but not a great literacy piece. Still its here for all whom want a quick read. Only 303 words.

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It all seems to happen in slow motion. First the crack of the gunshot filling the sound waves. Second the puff of white smoke spits from the chamber. And then the bullet crawls out of the barrel, like death’s tongue. When it leaves its home its speed increases as it doesn’t want to waste time. It hits you. But you don’t scream, or cry in pain like they do in films. You can’t. There’s no need for the dramatics. You sort of choke on your windpipe. You can breathe in, but you can’t breathe out. You take in so much oxygen you think you’ll explode. But you don’t. That would be easy.

Your skin pinches and tightens until it tears. Blood spatters up from your peripheral vision. Then the pain arises. It starts off warm, as you feel the smooth blood drip down your inside leg and make a puddle at the bottom of your shoe. And then it begins to burn; you can feel the bullet resting against your organs like a seed inside an orange. The metal in your side becomes too much to carry and you collapse.

You slump to your kneecaps and immediately hear them crack in two. Then fall forward. Your arms are shaking like jelly from the shock, so you can’t put them out to stabilise yourself. You go straight down. You only see again when the pain begins again. Your cheek smacks against ground. Its sends your teeth shredding through the gum. You start to feel that same smooth blood in your mouth. You’re still breathing in; you can’t help but swallow some. It goes straight to your stomach then exits out the hole the bullet dug.

You can’t move. You can’t think. And you can’t die…yet.

You’re shot.

Feedback would be grantful.

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Crepuscular

Nice descriptions. Depressing to read, but how could it be anything else when solely describing the feelings of being shot and dying? You could someday change POV and work this into a longer story. You packed a lot of misery in 300 words! Good job.

Deathwishboy

Well I was depressed and miserable when I wrote this so I've achieved my goal in some sense

As for a changing it into a full-flushed story. No clue. No story. I'll use some of the descriptions if I ever write a 1st person character being shot for sure.

Glad you enjoyed it.

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Sasha Greenwood

I like it, the elaborate descriptions, the sounds and the pains. I think the POV really works in this sort of piece, but I agree with Crepuscular-if you wanted to expand it.

I don't really see anything except:

Here I don't think you need the comma after scream.



Hmmm, personally I would get rid of the and then and change death's tongue to tongue of death. Sequences are a little hard because of the heavy repititon of 'then'. Sometimes it can be avoided, though, because of the sequence in which you write the events.

Anywho, I think that's all I saw. Well I don't know if that's helpful or not. I really enjoyed it, and it sort of freaked me out a little. Meh, almost dying can be painful...

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Min Min Light

I said before that I love the two person point of view and it still stands. And this story, it's like the film technique in the audience is staring with the view of a gun's barrel as it fires. Very artistic! Especially the slow-motion detail.

One problem I had was that I couldn't visuallize where the gun was aiming at. I assume it's in the chest area, but... *shrug* Maybe I missed a clue somewhere.

Right here, I would use the more ominous 'cave' over 'home.' Also, I'm pretty sure you'd need a comma after home.
I'd change this to 'That would be too easy.'
I would try to trim this sentence so that it's more like the others, short and sweet.

Other than that, great story. I'm wondering how you have such a good imagination for this sort of thing.

Deathwishboy

Thank you both Min Min Light and Sasha Greenwood.

Its funny how you get the ideas for "these sort of things". Other then the news I overheard about someone being shot in my local area, while I was walking to my girlfriends house I found a crushed bullet on the pavement. Probably just a keyring or fake but its all inspiration.

I've no idea what it actually feels like to get shot. My dad was shot in the foot once when he was in the army. His only description however was "Bloody painful!!". So most of this was just my own ideas

Truth be told I don't know either. I guess its up to the reader to decipher that but I'd imagine the chest seeing as its the largest area. People could read this alot of different ways I guess.

Thanks to all 3 of you again. I'll review the short and tune it up a bit.

God Bless

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Hound

I really enjoyed it... well, perhaps that isn't quite the right word to use for the content.

The only thing that "bugged" me about it was this line:
Two agains far too close to each other.

Keep up the good work.

~Dave