We Just Wanted To Be Cool - Writers Forum

Philip Baily · 07-15-2006, 11:09 AM

I’m sure that sometime in your school days you’ve asked yourself "What makes them so popular?" "Why makes me different from them?" "Is there anything in my teeth?" There are many answers to those burning questions. I’d like to share with you a story about two best friends who learned the steps to being popular. What they learned through the experience changed their lives forever.
Brian Winters sat down at the usual lunch table in the corner with his bagged lunch. His best friend and next door neighbor, Joe Neon, joined him with a tray full of nothing but chip bags, ice cream bars, and a water bottle. Joe always bought the junk food, and when his parents would ask him how his lunch was, he’d always lie and say that it was nutritious and healthy. Brian pulled out his normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich wrapped in plastic from his brown bag.
"You’re lucky you get to buy that stuff everyday," Brian said to Joe as he took a bite from his sandwich.
"You’re lucky your mom packs you a soda everyday. The stupid vending machines only have water. Water’s gross," Joe said as he adjusted his glasses and popped open his bag of Cheetos. Brian chuckled at that remark. Joe was a real comic.
Just then, Amy Gerter walked by their table. She had long sandy blonde hair tied up in pig tails. Wearing a red American Eagle T-shirt, a short blue skirt from Hollister and black sandals from Old Navy, she looked more beautiful than ever to Brian. He watched as she sat down at the popular kids’ table. Brian sighed.
"Joe, what makes us so different from those kids? Heck, we’re all just eight graders anyway," Brian asked as he returned to eating his lunch.
"Well, let me think. Uh, they’re popular!" Joe replied with half sarcasm.
"What makes them popular? We’re cool, right?" Brian questioned.
"Of course. We’re only considered the nerdiest kids in school," Joe answered as he shoved an ice cream sandwich into his mouth.
"Nerdiest isn’t even a word," Brian declared.
"See. None of the popular kids would have noticed, and even if they did, they wouldn’t have cared. Face it. We’re just two losers who are bound to go to smart colleges, get good jobs, and probably get married to some hot chicks who want our money," Joe spoke as he cracked a big smile.
"Yeah," Brian laughed.
"But seriously, just look at them. They’re wearing all of that preppy stuff that costs like two hundred dollars for every outfit. I’m fine with clothes from Wal Mart," Joe uttered.
Brian examined himself. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and blue jeans from Khol’s. His buzz cut style brown hair didn’t look too bad to him, except for the fact that his dad missed a spot behind his right ear. Yes, his dad cuts his hair, even at fourteen. Give him a break.
"Well, I think we can become popular," Brian finally said.
"I doubt it. I bet there’s like a manual on this popularity thing," Joe declared.
"Well, let’s search eBay for one," Brian suggested.
"Fine. Come to my house after school," Joe said as he took a few sips from Brian’s can of Cherry Coke.
"Okay!" Brian spoke with enthusiasm as he took the water bottle from Joe’s tray and chugged it in five seconds flat. He was finally going to learn the ropes of what it took to be "in".

To be continued...

Ruben · 07-15-2006, 01:22 PM

I would remove the first paragraph in its totality. It contributes nothing of any importance to the piece, and didn't grab me at all, as it's very much like a mind rant.

Content-wise it's very hard to say something about it, since not a lot has happened. It reads smoothly, so that's a good plus, though I have some doubts:

Quote:

"You’re lucky your mom packs you a soda everyday. The stupid vending machines only have water. Water’s gross," Joe said as he adjusted his glasses and popped open his bag of Cheetos. Brian chuckled at that remark. Joe was a real comic.

What's funny?

Quote:

Just then, Amy Gerter walked by their table. She had long sandy blonde hair tied up in pig tails. Wearing a red American Eagle T-shirt, a short blue skirt from Hollister and black sandals from Old Navy, she looked more beautiful than ever to Brian

I get you're emphasizing the expensive, brand name clothing, but you should focus more on why he finds her so stunning and describe her in that way (unless Brian has some weird clothes-fetish). And how are pig tails sexy?

Also, how are they planning to go to "smart colleges" (= $$$) if they're that poor?

Keep on writing and I'm curious what you'll come up with, but be sure to stay away from clichés (e.g.: they find a manual -> get popular after x amount of time -> girl gets interested -> troubles arise -> they're not cool anymore -> girl is angry -> girl learns about how he really is and she loves him even more -> dishing popularity and letting love conquer in an overdone and unoriginal way

).

Good luck, and make it good.

Philip Baily · 07-15-2006, 03:35 PM

Don't worry, I think the ending will totally take you off guard.

Philip Baily · 07-15-2006, 03:36 PM

Brian arrived at Joe’s bright purple painted house right after school. Joe’s mom insisted that their house should look unique, and it was. Joe answered the door and led his friend inside. Joe showed Brian to his room and sat down at his computer desk. He had already started up Internet Explorer, his favorite search engine. Typing in the web site for eBay, he signed onto his father’s account and starting searching for a book on popularity. The first thing that came up was a book entitled, Easy Ways to be Popular by Mike Winshock. Joe clicked on a picture of the book to get the detailed information.

"Look, it only costs ten dollars. My dad won’t even notice," Joe grinned.

"Buy it!" Brian nearly shouted.

"Chill out man. Don’t go psycho on me," Joe said as he performed the necessary procedures to purchase the book. "There, it should arrive by Saturday."

"Saturday? But that’s two days from now!" Brian groaned.

"Well, look at it this way. When we get the book on Saturday, we’ll have about two days to get ready to go back to school in the ‘popular mode,’" Joe declared as he ran his hand through his wavy black hair.

"That’s true. Okay, well I should probably go finish my Algebra homework. See you tomorrow," Brian said as he left Joe’s bedroom.
Two days later, when Joe received the book, the two went back to Joe’s bedroom to read the text. Sitting on Joe’s Sealy mattress, Brian began to read the book aloud. Before long, Joe cut him off.

"Wait, so if we follow these ten steps, we’ll automatically be popular?" he asked.

"I guess so. Let’s read more," Brian replied.

The first section of the book explained how to look.

"It says we need to dress like preps. That’s going to be expensive!" Brian exclaimed.

"No one said being popular was going to be cheap," Joe declared. "Listen, my parents gave me a credit card last week, so we can go buy some new clothes."

"Wait, they gave you a credit card to buy clothes?" Brian questioned.

"No, they gave it to me incase I got stranded on and island. But really, we can use it to get some fancy new stuff," Joe explained.

"Why didn’t you tell me you had a credit card?" Brian asked.

"Stop asking questions, will you? I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Now, do you want to go shopping or not?" Joe replied.

"Yeah, let’s go on a shopping spree," Brian said in a girly voice.

They laughed.

Fantasy of You · 07-15-2006, 03:44 PM

Fantasy of You · 07-15-2006, 03:45 PM

I agree witht he above poster. The f

Fantasy of You · 07-15-2006, 03:45 PM

I agree witht he above poster. The first paragraph would probably discourage

Philip Baily · 07-17-2006, 12:18 PM

Okay, I thought it might actually make people want to read it, but I'll take it out next time.

Philip Baily · 07-17-2006, 12:21 PM

The two boys rode their bikes to the shopping center, which was only about a half mile from their neighborhood. Leaving their bikes hidden in a line of trees, they entered the mall.

The first place they went to was Hollister. Brian suggested going there first, seeing that every cool kid was shopping there. When they entered, everyone was staring at them with a "Why are you here, losers?" kind of look. As they approached the boy’s section, they noticed right away that preppy clothes were much different than Khol’s material. There were endless amounts of polo shirts, cargo shorts, and men’s cologne.

"I like these polo shirts a lot," Brian said as he took a green polo to see how it would fit on him.

"I think I like these T-shirts best. Look at the cool bird on it," Joe declared as he checked the price tag. It read twenty dollars. "Okay, I guess we can buy like two outfits and some cologne."

"Alright," Brian spoke as he looked for another shirt to buy. Altogether the boys bought two outfits and six bottles of cologne.

The next few stops were Aéropostale, American Eagle, and Abercrombie. They all had the same type of clothing as Hollister, but with different logos. The boys decided they should get a few pairs with each of the logos like the "in" crowd did.

All together, the amount they spent that day would have made anyone pee their pants. Of course, the boys didn’t care. They just wanted to be cool.

On Sunday, the boys met in Brian’s backyard to read the book.

"Okay, so now its saying we need cool accessories. Like what?" Brian asked as he sat on a green lawn chair and began chugging a water bottle.

"Like cell phones, cool watches, and earrings," Joe guessed while sipping on a juice box.

"Looks like we’re going shopping again," Brian grinned.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, my parents are going to flip out when they notice how much we’ve spent," Joe declared.

"Look Joe, would you rather be cool then worry about your parents?" Brian challenged.

"Hey man, you’re not acting like yourself. You’re trying too hard at this popularity thing," Joe spoke.

"Am I? Look Joe, I’m tired of being a loser. I want to be known. Part of something some kids never get the chance to be in. Popular," Brian said as he began to dream about taking Amy Gerter to the movies.

"Oh, snap out of it. Okay, we’ll go get cell phones and what not, but seriously, at the end of the month don’t expect to be seeing me during the summer," Joe said as he got up from his chair with the book in his hands.

"And why is that?" Brian inquired.

"Its called being grounded my good friend. When my parents see this months bill, they’ll freak," Joe answered.

Kanood · 07-18-2006, 06:38 PM

Reading this story was entertaining, but reading it all (even though it's very short) still took a lot of patience for me. I would suggest making it more of a 'page turner' by creating more incentives for the boys to become popular; the mere fact that they randomly want to become popular isn't enough to keep my attention. Maybe you could say that one of the boys really liked the popular girl and wants to become popular so that he can make a move on her or something more engaging to read like that.

cabbageguy · 07-20-2006, 09:24 AM

Definitely sounds very... eighth grader.

One thing I have to point out is that Internet Explorer is a web browser, not a search engine. Google would be a search engine. Also, no self-respecting nerdy kid would use Internet Explorer, he would use Firefox instead.

Glfralin · 07-20-2006, 08:02 PM

Whoa! I think you need to slow down and listen (as in heed) what people are trying to tell you. The first paragraph in you story makes for a good idea for a story, but should not be part of the story. You need to get people involved in the story by showing though words, not just telling them. The first paragraph will likely stop anyone in you targeted market forget about even buying it, or reading any more of it.

I think you can have a good story, but make it more dramatic from the start. You are trying very hard, and I don't want to discourage you. But think about what would make you decide to read further in a story.

I'm not trying to be mean. I think you can charge this, and make it a good story, but listen and get a great start so you know what to do with the rest instead of trying to charge on without a good beginning.