magic_harp

It was his first day, he sat in a room full of strangers, intimidation was strangling him. The collar was tightening. The lump in his throat was threatening to jump out of his mouth at any moment.
It was cold a few moments ago but now the heat was filling inside John's body; pushing out from his gut to his head and out of his fingertips.
John found himself staring at the same points on the wall. He constantly assessed his posture to make sure he showed no signs of nervousness.
He never imagined himself to be in a job like this. It was a cliched office job. Everyone looked the same, walked the same and spoke with the same slanged language which they felt made them unique. There was even one of those water machines.Employees walked around with folders and papers looking important, trying to remember what their partners look like.
John wished there was a mirror nearby so he could check his appearance. He then decided that it was a probably a bad idea anyway.
An important looking man appeared through one of the doors that people had been darting in and out of while John was waiting. The man put out his hand and called John over.
John never saw himself again.

Fantasy of You

It is pretty short, so there isn't much to comment upon. The beginning is full of over used phrases, such as 'the lump in his throat was threatening to jump out of his mouth at any moment'. But if you insist on keeping it, I think you should changed the sentence to be, the lump in his throat threatened to jump out of his mouth any moment'- I don't like the 'was'.
Try not to use ';' especially in a sentence like this. A simple ',' would do fine.

I like this, I can really see what he is trying to do, but maybe you could change it slightly? 'He wriggled and fought to keep his posture stiff, attempting unsuccessfully to show no sign of nervousness.' Or something, just an example, yours is very nice, though.

I like this, it has been done, but I like it.

Maybe you can show he is important, rather than just tell me. Maybe mention his expensive suit, the expression of the others around you?

[quote]
John never saw himself again.
[/Qote]
WOW! I like this bit so much! It really is excellent, in delivery and concept. Nice!

You have a nice style, which I really enjoyed, and the end sentence topped it all off superbly. How old are you?

Fantasy (repay the favour, ay?)

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bobothegoat

Nice. This piece does a good job of conveying the man's loss of individuality, particularily with the last line. It could, however, use a bit of polish.

Paragraphs one and two could (and probably should) be merged. The opening line also needs to be fixed. you spliced three sentences together with commas. Periods would probably be better.

This sentence seems weird to me. I'm fairly certain it's because this sentence begs to be ended right before the word "slanged." Doing so would make it have a parallel sentence structure (looked the same, walked the same, and spoke the same.)

This just needs some minor clarification. Did he stop looking for the mirror, thinking that looking at himself would be bad? Or did he just fail to find a mirror and then thought, Actually, looking into a mirror would be a bad idea anyway.?

The final advice I'd like to add has nothing to do with your actual writing. Your piece is short, but had it been longer the lack of spacing between paragraphs would have killed the readability of this piece. Next time, do you think you could perhaps get it double-space for us? This thread should help you do so, if you don't already know how to do this easily.

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Glfralin

This should read probably a bad idea anyway. Just one to many a's.

I'm trying to figure out what the purpose is here. That he just melted into sameness?

Anyway, it's a little dry and quircky. Make the character, the situation, the conflict, and all that pop out. I'm no expert, but otherwise it's just a kind of boring piece that sets on the page.

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Sasha Greenwood

Hmmm, pretty short but with a theme, although a popular theme I thought this was creative.

I'd suggest reformatting it. It was a little hard to read.

This sentence seems a little awkwards to me. Maybe try : spoke with the same slang instead of slanged language.

This is also a little weird to me. Maybe try just: he never imagined himself in a cliche office job.

Other than that, I agree with GIfralin, although I can see how the "dryness" would contribute to the theme.

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Deathwishboy

Randomly put me in the mind of "The Office" before I had begun reading it, but thats a seperate topic all together

It seemed a little too quick for my liking.
That lined bugged me a little. It felt like it was just thrown in there for furthering the look of this office and due the "Dry" tone "of office life" I would of thought the description should be kept to a minium when writing a story about it to show it as this very desert-like, boring area.

The last line really sumed up the meaning of the story. Which is an obvious plus. As the others stated before a bit of "Popping" out of the settings, character etc could be a plus but then you may be in danger of ruining that great dry tone that matches the subject so well. So I would say leave it as it is

Anyway good piece of writing, but as always there is room for improvement.

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