True ghost story! (583 words) - Writers Forum

Atom · 07-13-2006, 06:19 PM

This event took place on July 8, 2006. My friend called me on the phone the night it happened and the next day he came over my house, and with his details, I wrote this story. I wrote it in 20 minutes and in all honesty didn't try too hard. I'm going to elaborate on it if people who read it think it's spooky enough.

The Lady By The Water

The sky was pitch black, allowing for only a small field of vision. John Lloyd Park was holding a volunteer program that allowed high school kids to help turtle hatchlings and to get volunteer hours needed to graduate. William and Jenny were patrolling a stretch of beach for the program.

“ Wow.” William stretching out his arm. “ I can barely see my hand two feet in front of me!”

“ Don’t worry.” Jenny said, already a veteran at her job. “ It gets easier. Your eyes will get used to it.

The two kept walking the beach. They were having fun and telling jokes. Jenny wasn’t lying. Although it was still plenty dark, William could see better.

“ What’s that down there?.” he asked, pointing to something thirty yards away.

They decided to investigate it. They got closer. It was a black figure. A woman. Although they could barely make her out, they saw she was dressed in a dark hooded robe. She was treading on the shoreline waves. Most importantly of all, what she was doing was illegal. The beach had closed hours earlier; the only people allowed on the beach now were volunteers and rangers.

William and Jenny turned their backs on the woman who was about 15 feet away now and ran to their golf carts. “ If she tries to run we will catch her.” Jenny told William.

William drove the golf cart back to the spot where they saw the hooded woman. She wasn’t there, but had walked about fifty yards further. They drove up to her and since it was so dark, Jenny took out her flashlight and shined it on her.

“ Excuse me!” she screamed trying to get the lady’s attention. She didn’t answer.

Jenny shined the light directly on the back of her head and screamed again. No answer. The lady just kept walking ominously. William and Jenny stared at each other. A dark hooded figure walking along a deserted beach late at night was spooky. What was scarier was she didn’t reply to anything. They never saw the front of her body or her face. She never turned her head around.

William gassed the cart up and to their horror the cart didn’t move. It was stuck in the sand. If this lady was dangerous, they were in trouble.
The lady kept walking mysteriously, hands clasped in front of her body, paying no attention to the teenagers.

William got out of the car and tried to push it while Jenny stepped on the pedal. They called the park rangers and alerted them to the location of the woman. They desperately kept trying to get the cart to work while the lady faded into the distance. They saw the rangers behind them and pointed to the direction the lady went. The rangers nodded and rode their carts further.
Terrified from the whole ordeal, the teenagers walked to the base camp. An hour later the rangers returned.

“ Did you find her?” William asked hoping to see the face of the robed woman. If he didn’t see her face… he felt she would haunt him in his memory forever.

“ Son…” The park ranger began. “ Are you sure you saw someone? We were searching hard and the only thing we found were foot prints…”

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-13-2006, 06:31 PM

did you mean foot prints? rather than footsteps?

aliceedelweiss · 07-13-2006, 06:39 PM

foot prints, I think.

Quote:

Jenny took our her flashlight and shined it on her.

out.

You put a space after your first question when using the.
" like this." you don't need to do that. It wasn't that spooky. The idea, the plot, was spooky but the way you wrote it just made it...as story. If you sort of pulled the thread of the story more, described things with a creepy voice, use more style it would get a lot creepier.

Quote:

I wrote it in 20 minutes and in all honesty didn't try too hard.

thats not really something you want to tell people who are about to critique your work...

Alice

LoneWolf · 07-13-2006, 07:37 PM

It was a pretty nice story, cleanly written. Didn't really scare the bejeez outta me,though. It seems believeable and I think you did a good job writing it from someone else's POV. I agree, you don't really wanna tell people you didn't try. If you didn't try, then why would anyone try and read/critique it? But other than that, I liked it. Nice job, keep it up. Cheers,

LW

Atom · 07-13-2006, 08:33 PM

Thanks for the feedback, i edited the story. I put that i didn't try too hard to because I didn't go all out on this story and im waiting for your opinions before editing it again. Your right though, the way i put it sounds bad.

Fantasy of You · 07-14-2006, 07:29 AM

Quote:

The sky was pitch black, allowing for only a small field of vision

I don't really agree with the way you paint the picture of darkness. I mean, don't describe the sky, no one is looking at the sky, desribe what they are looking at, and the small field of vision is a given, isn't it?

Quote:

“ Wow.” William stretching out his arm. “ I can barely see my hand two feet in front of me!”

OK, this makes the previous 'allowing for only a small field of vision' pointless, and you should delete it. There is no point in showing and telling. Also, 'William stretching out his arm' makes no sense. Is this supposed to be 'William said'?

Quote:

“ Don’t worry.” Jenny said, already a veteran at her job. “ It gets easier. Your eyes will get used to it.

Same thing again. You don't need to tell and show. Delete 'already a veteran at her job' because her speech shows this.

Quote:

The two kept walking the beach. They were having fun and telling jokes. Jenny wasn’t lying. Although it was still plenty dark, William could see better.

Maybe you should show them having fun and joking, because that doesn't give me anything, and I don't necessarily believe it. Also, I think 'Jenny hadn't lied' makes more sense.

Quote:

“ What’s that down there?.” he asked, pointing to something thirty yards away.

OK, does it have to be thirty yards away? Would the piece lose something if you simply wrote 'pointig to something in the distance'?

:end:

It's definately not your best work, as you said, it only took you twenty minutes... You need to go over in and see what is needed and what isn't, and try to show your characters' personalities early- maybe when they tell jokes?

So, there isn't really much to say since you wrote it so casually.

It's good and has potential.

Fantasy

Vulgar` · 07-14-2006, 12:52 PM

Garbage lady?

I can tell Billy went to the beach at night and saw a woman in a black dress (or something else) walking along the beach shore.

"She was treading on the shoreline waves."

Extremely effective detail. I'm proud of you - a new story. As a reader I didn't feel you were as into it as I would if you spent an hour+ on it, but it's a step forward in your writing inconsistencies. Happy birthday by the way, son. I wouldn't really say this was scary - it has more of a depressive, gray feeling, which may send a tingle down someone's spine.

It reminds me of these: (Look at all of them)

http://www.deviantart.com/print/269195/
http://www.deviantart.com/print/214504/
http://www.deviantart.com/print/47730/

Can't find the one I want, but there are some other accurate ones.

Keep doing you

Sparx · 07-14-2006, 12:57 PM

I fount it hard to read. The prose seems a little choppy and they are some punctuation mistakes. The idea is pretty interesting but if you spend more time editing this piece it could be much better than it is now.

Deathwishboy · 07-16-2006, 10:15 AM

Not an amazing Ghost story. I Kept thinking "Why don't the kids just run up to her?" and I don't know...stop her!. The footprint evidence was a little thin and didn't really make me think "OH god! she was a ghost" or even question how someone could do that, "The women" had more then enough time to get off the beach while the two teens went to get the rangers. But as you say you didn't put a lot of effort into it.

Fantasy of You · 07-16-2006, 11:48 AM

^_^ OK I admit! I have a fascination for dresses, OK!

Min Min Light · 07-16-2006, 08:46 PM

Lady In The Water? Isn't that a new film by M. Night Shyamalan? Or am I mistaken?

Anyway, this is a true story, right? That's cool. Something like would probably be ten times scarier as it actually happened, because it's hard to get true fright down on paper. (Or pixels, forums, whatever).
I agree with alice:

Quote:

Originally Posted by aliceedelweiss

The idea, the plot, was spooky but the way you wrote it just made it...as story. If you sort of pulled the thread of the story more, described things with a creepy voice, use more style it would get a lot creepier.

Atom · 07-17-2006, 02:24 AM

Same title, different story. Thanks for the feedback, guys.