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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 07-13-2006, 10:12 AM   #1
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And All the Kings Men

Hi! This is my first jump back into the general fiction world following my stint in the land of fanfiction, which is very liberating but really not all that constructive! So please, be harsh!

-------------------

The sun flickered weakly upon the tired, war-torn world below. It was fighting the advance of the chronic winter that had decided to step in early, as well as the acute dusk of night. It dropped slowly, inching its way down gradually, its last rays playing with the shadows of two men, shadows that grew increasingly influential in the tableau the two had found themselves in.

“What business do you have in our lands?”

The man who spoke eyed the strip of thin, bottle green material that was embroidered on the man’s tanned jacket, as if to reassure himself that the man he faced was indeed the enemy.

The other man noted the first man’s gaze and raised his eyes to meet those of his opponent.

“You are deluded,” he said surely. “For it is you who trespasses on the land of my King.”

The first man drew his sword, the scraping sound prompting the other man to follow suit, as they eyed each other warily. The creed of both their kingdoms, who were consequently at war, stated that any trespasser was to be killed instantly, and anyone failing to abide by this law would in turn be punished. Their war-ridden realms would take no chances.

The first man brushed his dark, slightly graying hair out of his eyes, still staring into his opponents bright green eyes. The man would have been about his age, he judged, and looked as weathered as he imagine he might, had a mirror been handy. Seeing himself in this man before him, his sensibilities fled, along with his will to kill this man. He let out an involuntary sigh and lowered his weapon wearily.

“Truth be told,” he said plainly to the still suspicious green-eyed man. “I should be running myself through, rather than you.”

In the wake of this statement, and in the rather vulnerable tone that it had been said in, the second man let his guard drop, and shook his head slowly. He did not want to kill this man; he wasn’t a murderer.

“Why is that?” he asked, curious to know the origin of the genuine remorse he heard in the first man’s voice.

The first man sighed. “Because this war is false, because my King nothing but a petty criminal who murdered his way through his family to the top position. Because I…” here he hesitated, and the green-eyed man raised an eyebrow. The first man steeled himself. “Because the first thing I thought when I saw that band around your arm was ‘what’s the best way to kill him without getting hurt myself?’” the man hung his head in shame, remorse overcoming him, as finally he understood. Finally, he could see the brainwashing veil that had been placed over him as a lad and had built up since then. He swallowed hard, and sheathed his sword. “You do what you have to do,” he said, voice hoarse, not knowing if the man opposite him was still as prepared to kill as he himself had been.

The green eyed man hesitated. What he was about to do was treason, and he could be executed for it. So much death, he thought, and put away his own weapon, much to the first man’s relief.

“No blood will be split on this ground today,” the green-eyes man said. “I too tire of my sovereign. He is bleeding our treasury dry to hire mercenaries for our army, the army he continually sends forth to your kingdom to be slaughtered by…” He stopped, and the same realization that had hit his companion also descended upon him. “To be slaughtered by your men, and in turn to kill mercilessly as well.”

The two men’s eyes locked and they felt closer to each other, born enemies, than to their own kinsmen.

The green-eyed man shook his head, before bowing it, the weight of the world falling heavily upon his shoulders as he contemplated the uselessness of this petty rebellion the two of them were now a part of, as well as the loyalty he had always shown for his kingdom and his land. It was all pointless, and it was all a sham. All of it.

“I guess that the both of us should start to emulate our sovereigns,” he said dryly, lifting his head once more. “And give loyalty to none bar ourselves.”
The first man felt the glimmer of a grin touch his eyes. “And perhaps a sworn enemy or two,” he agreed.

The second man broke into a smile and stepped forward, grasping the man’s hand, and the two enemies shook, their beings filled with enlightenment on having discovered that their enemy was really not their enemy at all, and that the true cause behind the huge rift between the kingdoms was really much closer to home.

“Fair journeying, friend,” the first man said, and the green-eyed man returned the sentiment.

“Freeze,” a harsh voice barked, causing the two men to turn sharply. Two men, decked out in bottle green and on horseback glared at the two weathered travelers.

“You are both under arrest,” said the more distinguished looking of the guards.
The second man eyed the men. They were of his kingdom, in his army, and he was not surprised to note that the sight of two strapping soldiers clad in green no longer raised the same sense of pride in him that it once did. Now, all it caused was a deep, weary sorrow. He met the eyes of the guards.

“We’ve done nothing wrong, friend,” he said in a forced light voice.

The knight who had spoken opened his mouth again. “Offence number one,” he said stiffly. “Fraternising with the enemy and failing to pursue and punish a trespasser.”

“I do believe it is you and yours who are trespassing on our land,” yet another voice said, and four heads turned to behold two more horsemen, this time clad in the royal blue of the first man’s kingdom.

“I also believe that these two men are under our jurisdiction. “Trespassing and…”

“Fraternising,” the two men concluded, resignation evident in their voices.

‘That’s right,” the stern-faced blue knight said.

“They are our prisoners. Don’t interfere with our…”

“Yours?” the blue knight spat incredulously.

The two men exchanged glances, resigned to the fact that either way, the irony decreed that they were both trespassers and both traitors, and they would die for it.

The blue knights and the green knights haggled for a while. The green knights did not want to split the bounty two ways, and take one prisoner, as the blue knights suggested. It was all or nothing, and needless to say, the green-clad soldiers were not too keen on ‘nothing’. The land got colder and a chilly wind crept into the thin jackets of the travelers.

Finally, the two sides reached an agreement.

“How about we just kill them here? Now?” a blue knight suggested.
The green clad guard cocked a head to one sight, pondering. He really just wanted to get home.

“They’re both being executed either way, so I suppose that is satisfactory.”
“Well the laws of our kingdom’s are exactly the same,” said the first traveler, his brown eyes on the second man’s face, as he continued, more for his newfound friend’s benefit than the soldiers’. “Makes you wonder why we’re separate kingdoms at all. Certainly insignifies the whole war thing we’re all clammed up in.” His sense of humour hadn’t waned in the light of their predicament.

The guards ignored their prisoner’s comment, as they made the final arrangements for the execution. The brown-eyed man felt strangely liberated, he did not particularly want to die, but to keep on living in a world full of corrupt hypocrites was also not the most desirable of outcomes. Perhaps the two travelers would be luckier in their next lives.

The two were made to kneel in the dust. The sun had almost given up for the day, and the green eyed man felt this was strangely fitting, to die along with the sun. They were opposite each other, and a dismounted blue knight stood behind the first man, while a green-clad soldier stood behind the green-eyed man. The two travelers eyes locked, both finding comfort in the knowledge that, while it may be a little too late, both had finally been able to lift the veil of lies and see so clearly the transparency of the war, their kings and indeed their entire lives to date.

The knights raised their gleaming swords in unison, and brought them down fiercely on the necks of their victims. A collective thud was heard as the heads hit the ground.

Wrinkling his nose in distaste, the blue knight reached forward and shook the hand of the green clad knight, and the two mounted their horses, and with not even a glance backwards to respect the passing of their kinsmen, they turned and rode back into their respective countries, leaving the two bleeding bodies where they lay.

The sun sighed heavily at the pedantics surrounding the murder of two good men, bur resolved it could do nothing, as everyone did, before withdrawing its touch from the world for another day, and sinking gladly behind the hills.
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Last edited by Keridwen : 07-14-2006 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 07-14-2006, 07:11 AM   #2
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A good read, very interesting!

I used to write Half Life 2 fanfics, crappy ones though. I agree about the lack of constructive improvement you get from writting fanfics.

I cant really find many things wrong except for some need of a proof read.

Even though the second sentence was confusing to me I still managed to get hooked into the story and kept reading.

You should also clarify which character your using to tell the story through. I found it made the story harder to follow and made it a less fun read (still lots of fun though!).

The relationship between the two Main Characters was an interesting one. A friendship sparked from the truth of the war and the sudden clarity that only they shared.

Fun to read, kept me hooked and an interesting relationship. Nice!
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Old 07-14-2006, 09:45 AM   #3
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Thanks a lot for your input!

You're right - the two characters didn't differ greatly (I did this on purpose, to emphasise that they were supposed to be 'enemies' but were really essentially the same) and it did get confusing, but I didn't want to give them names. As far as POV, they were both kinda telling it, not sure if that's a writing no-no??

Again, thanks for your post.
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Old 07-15-2006, 06:32 AM   #4
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No gramatical errors that I noticed. However...

Disclaimer:
Harsh criticism ahead.


The dialogue was... I'm sorry to have to say it, but it was pretty bad. Well, actually the dialogue itself was okay. It was the tags that were bad. See this:
Quote:
The creed of both their kingdoms, who were consequently at war, stated that any trespasser was to be killed instantly, and anyone failing to abide by this law would in turn be punished.
"Consequently" doesn't fit here. It doesn't say what the war is a consequence off.


Quote:
“Truth be told,” he said plainly to the still suspicious green-eyed man. “I should be running myself through, rather than you.”
Who else would he be talking to? Drop "...plainly to the still suspicious green-eyed man."

Quote:
“Why is that?” he asked, curious to know the origin of the genuine remorse he heard in the first man’s voice.
We can guess that he's curious, otherwise he probably wouldn't ask. Just write "Why's that?" he asked.

I could go on like that for the entire piece. The best piece of dialogue was this:
Quote:
“They are our prisoners. Don’t interfere with our…”
We all talk. Most of us also listen. We know how people talk in most cases, so you really don't need to tell us. Variations of simple "said," "asked," and the occasional "shouted" or "whispered" should be kept to minimal, used only when the speakers tone isn't obvious. Adverbs should be avoided just as much, if not more.

The rest of your prose (ie, the decriptions) were fairly good however. I especially thought you did a good job on the opening paragraph. The only complaints about them are that there are still a lot of adverbs, and there were also words that felt a bit forced, and ended up muddling the story a bit ("acute dusk of night" is a good example of this in the opening paragraph, which I otherwise thought was pretty good).

I liked the irony of the two knights shaking hands before leaving though. Fraternizing with the enemy indeed =). The story itself, and the idea of the similarites of green vs blue were interesting enough content, but I really wish I knew more about how these two travellers came to their conclusions, and perhaps why they were traveling so close to the border in the first place. Some back-story would have gone a long way towards developing the characters.

Actually, you should probably focus the story on one character over the other. I'm going to echo Ice Tea. Focus the story on being from one character's perspective. Doing this should make it more natural to explore how he comes to realize blue and green are the same. As a side bonus, it's easier for the reader to become attached to a character. They currently seem kind of distant.

I hope that made sense. If not, you can ask and I'll be sure to elaborate to the best of my ability. I also hope this didn't come across as brutally as it felt to me as I wrote it. In my defense, you did ask for harsh criticism.
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Old 07-15-2006, 08:59 AM   #5
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Yes, I did, and I am glad to have received it. I will be sure to take on board everything you've said - its amazing how another perspective can come up with so much to improve!

Its interesting you should comment on the lack of backstory AND that the focus should be on only one of them - as when I first wrote the piece, it was strictly from the 'first man's' POV, and the second was felt to be the 'intruder' etc, and I have about 2 paragraphs of explanation about the 'first man' and how he came to be there, ie going to the market, blah blah, on his way home etc, but I justified editing that out in that the rest of it was very implausible, (ie four knights of separate kingdoms just HAPPEN to ride up to these guys who just HAPPEN to have met and just HAPPEN to think that the other is trespassing on their land) and the concepts were 'simple' in that the colours blue/green aren't complex, therefore the people portraying them shouldn't be either. I justified splitting the focus to emphasise that these two men were one and the same.

Maybe I should just have stuck to my first instincts.

I really appreciate your criticism, and like I said, it hasn't been taken lightly! *ominous music* hehe, so THANKS!
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Old 07-15-2006, 09:26 AM   #6
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I agree with bob. If you read "You dirty bastard! I'll have your head for this!" You don't need to put, he shouted, because it is implied.

But I also felt your dialogue was unrealistic, it felt almost robotic. I get the feeling you have tried to make their speech medieval, but have failed. You need to read it aloud, and think about how they would really talk.

The rest of the piece was fine, but it failed to entertain me. It seems whenever the 2 enemies meet, they agree they shouldn't be at war- which makes the irony in your piece redundent, and change over to senselessness. If everyone thought it, they simply wouldn't be at war.

Sorry, to sound harsh, but there is no need to copy everyones "oh this is great and that is great" so I hope you take this the right way, because I wouldn'y say it if I didn't think you were skilled enough.
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