Before Him - Writers Forum

deluded.reality · 07-11-2006, 04:13 PM

Hey trying to write a prequel to the story i posted 'Him' and have got rather stuck in doing so. Here is what i have so far:

“Another Brutal Murder”, that’s what the paper read that day. That day which changed me forever. If only I new what was about to happen. If only. Well no one wakes up thinking they are going to end up like me. No one wakes up thinking ‘Today I am going to get kidnapped by a deranged murder”. That day seems so long ago. Before the deaths. Before this cell. Before the nightmares. Before Him.

Started off like any other boring day of mine. Same simple routines. Same simple lifestyle. God I miss them. Getting up, hitting the alarm. Getting up again, shower, brush teeth, put on work clothes, have breakfast, read paper and wish for something new. Wish I hadn’t that day. Look where it got me. Front row seat to see a perverted murder shoot himself. That sure was something new.

He had already picked me out. I wasn’t a random selection. Hell he was there waiting at my door. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. After what he did anyways. If only my wife hadn’t opened the door. Maybe none of this would happened. Maybe she would still be alive, instead of in a bloody mess like he is before me. Can still picture her death in my head. She came to the kitchen door, her hands covered in blood from where she had been stabbed in the chest. Then the fire of a gunshot and she was on the floor. Bullet straight to the back of the head. My wife lying on the floor, and her killer standing before me. Him.

Please give pointers and help where possible so i can continue on it.

Crash_Tomas · 07-12-2006, 08:36 PM

I have never read "Him" but this is really cool so far...1st person stories are always hard to write, i know that, but you do it very well..it's like the guy is insane and talking to himself, haha...

well did "Him" cause him to go crazy? cos if he killed his wife, then shouldnt he now charge at him or try and get revenge? that's my only question...

Well you should continue it... I think that you should have it try to find "Him" but fail miserably and "Him" leaves the guy to wallow in his pain~

good job!

LoneWolf · 07-12-2006, 09:12 PM

Quote:

“Another Brutal Murder”: that’s what the paper read that day. That day which changed me forever. If only I knew what was about to happen. If only. Well, no one wakes up thinking they are going to end up like me. No one wakes up thinking ‘Today I am going to get kidnapped by a deranged murderer'. That day seems so long ago. Before the deaths. Before this cell. Before the nightmares. Before Him.

It?Started off like any other boring day of mine. Same simple routines. Same simple lifestyle. God I miss them. Getting up, hitting the alarm. Getting up again, showering, brushing my teeth, putting on work clothes, having breakfast, reading the paper, and wishing for something new.(This creates some parallelism and you don't drift off into a different tense) I?Wish I hadn’t that day. Look where it got me. A?Front row seat to see a perverted murder shoot himself. That sure was something new.

He had already picked me out. I wasn’t a random selection. (These 2 sentences are a bit redundant. If he picked you out then you def. weren't random. Perhaps if you invert the 2 then it'll sound better. Like..."I wasn't a random selection. Oh no, he already had me picked out. Flattering, really. (This for sarcasm))Hell, he was there waiting at my door. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. After what he did anyways. If only my wife hadn’t opened the door then maybe none of this would happened. (Connecting the 2 makes it flow smoothly)Maybe she would still be alive, instead of in a bloody mess like he is before me. ICan still picture her death in my head. She came to the kitchen door, her hands covered in blood from where she had been stabbed in the chest. Then the fire of a gunshot and she was on the floor. Bullet straight to the back of the head. My wife lying on the floor, and her killer standing before me. Him.

This was a good piece and I like where you are going with it. However, it had many fragments that made it a bit choppy and hard to read. This can be easily fixed by connecting a lot of the frags into one full sentence. The one sentence with the list was cool, but it was a tad bit long...too much going on. You have a good style, though, and I'd like to see more. Keep up the good work!

Cheers,
LW

aliceedelweiss · 07-12-2006, 11:08 PM

the beginning to me is cliché. Just the whole first paragraph. So that I would change.

Quote:

Front row seat to see a perverted murderer shoot himself.

another 'er' to make the word 'murderer'

Otherwise...nto sure... what kind of help are you looking for?

Alice

Fantasy of You · 07-13-2006, 08:13 AM

Hi, I don't like the beginning at all. It's very.. oh I was normal and then this happened it changed my life and I've pretty much told you the rest of the story will be riddled with this kind of cliche (takes a breath) thing..

The last paragraph is a bit odd to me. The sentences are way too small, and the pace is quickened without a REAL reason.

Fantasy

Sparx · 07-13-2006, 08:16 AM

Yep, remove the first paragraph. Its poison to an otherwise brilliantly written piece. Where can i read "Him".