Just a begining... - Writers Forum

murdershewrote2005 · 07-11-2006, 02:00 PM

THis is just the begining of something I'm currently working on..just wondering if its any good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Death had blue eyes. Not the kind of blue eyes that reflected the warm waters of

the ocean, but empty, bottomless, icy voids. They watched her from the

camouflage of nearby shrubbery as she pushed a key into her front door and

turned it until the sound of her high heels clicking down the hallway reached

waiting ears. They had been watching her for sometime now. For weeks they had

stayed well concealed in the very spot where he knelt, right knee pressed into the

raw earth as he learned everything about her, from the men she brought home, to

the perfume she wore, and the food she ate. He knew everything he needed to

know, and it was time; time for him to finish the thing he had come back to this

wretched town to do.

Fantasy of You · 07-11-2006, 02:26 PM

I like the beginning very much. 'Death had blue eye' made me read this. There isn't very much at all to comment on, as it is soooo small. The thing I would say is, if this guy is enacting some burning desire for revenge, or if he is crazy, or if you want to listen to me infact (

) maybe you should stress the extent he went to to learn her life.

murdershewrote2005 · 07-12-2006, 09:42 PM

Thank you. I'm working on this a bit. I started it camping, and I intend to develop it further.

aliceedelweiss · 07-12-2006, 10:28 PM

I think you should make it into paragraphs. It doesn't really hook, you need to grab the reader and shake the crap out of them. Give it some mystory, some unknown.

Also in the last sentence I think you could get rid of the semicolon and the second 'time' and just make it one sentence. It will sound better.

And..not to be the rule nazi I am but

Quote:

Originally Posted by the rules

Signatures must be limited to 4 lines.

Your signature is over 4 lines...

Alice

murdershewrote2005 · 07-12-2006, 11:21 PM

Happy now?

Hakeem · 07-13-2006, 02:28 AM

Oh I liked it!

But you have to fix some grammatical mistakes, and a few writing techniques (you never use a semi colon in fiction.. ofcourse if you intend to write in fiction.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by murdershewrote2005

just wondering if its any good.

It is very good!

Fantasy of You · 07-13-2006, 07:08 AM

I've seen semi colons in fiction.. who the hell made that rule up??

Dookie · 07-13-2006, 07:14 AM

Hoorah chaps! That was good wasn't it? I'm quiet enigmatised and enthralled now too. Please do post the entire story in all due haste.

Sparx · 07-13-2006, 07:18 AM

So far, not much of a story to comment on. I guess the beginning did do its intended job and hook me into the story but you need to post more before i can make any futher comments. Right now this is nothing but a paragrah, a well-written paragraph indeed but not a story.

Lorlie · 07-13-2006, 10:40 AM

Loved the way you described the eyes, it was the hook that made me read on.

Would be really interested to read this when it has grown.

Yes it is any good, and it would be a shame not to flesh it up and let it run.

Lorlie

murdershewrote2005 · 07-13-2006, 11:44 AM

Wow.thanks all. I'll get onto finishing this one. I'm a slow fiction writing person...lol

Me

Arin · 07-13-2006, 12:04 PM

I am intrigued as well. The eyes part was quite clever and the whole thing enticingly scary. I'll definitely read more once you post it.

LoneWolf · 07-13-2006, 08:09 PM

Ooh yes, I liked it a lot! The first sentence, Death had blue eyes. That was awesome. I can't wait to read more, it sounds like it will turn into quite an exciting piece!

LW

murdershewrote2005 · 07-13-2006, 08:57 PM

I'm working on it
thanks for your comments

Leftovers · 07-14-2006, 08:32 AM

Not too shabby for just an opening paragraph. Like everyone else, I love the opening bit with the eyes. I would, however, like to see you transition from the description of those eyes to them watching the victim(?) more explicitly. Instead of "He watched her from the camouflage of nearby shrubbery...", I think the eyes should be watching. Then, from there, you can pan out to the man as whole.

Also, I found the following clause a bit clunky:

Quote:

Day after day, for weeks he had sat in the very spot where he knelt,

Day after Day and for weeks squeezed together like that is a tiny bit redundant. I think just "for weeks" would suffice. "He sat... where he knelt..." conflicts a bit too, but this is just being picky for something you only just started. Post more when you write it.