myownbeautifuldisaster

When the lovesick boy got his mitts on the pretty girl on the big screen in front of me, I kissed him. I kissed him! In the darkness of the cinema, I had turned to look at him. I waited until his aesthetic blue eyes met mine, then I let my lips touch against his. The angry wasps, which had been gathering in my stomach to celebrate National Make-Charlie-Sick-With-Nerves Day, turned to gentle butterflies. I relaxed and let my body lie against him. My tongue got confident and mingled with his flirtatiously.

I looked up at him and he held me tighter. I knew he was smiling, though I couldn’t see. It made me smile too, just thinking about him smiling, which probably made him smile more, making me widen my grin…vicious circle…
His long hair hung down covering one guy. I twisted the front selection round my fingers to release the vivacious truth from the hidden eye. I knew he wanted me, simply by the way he was looking at me. The blue waves splashed their way into my heart. He was sharing his soul; offering me his mind; opening his heart; giving me his body. Whichever way you wish to put it – he was asking me to be with him, only not through words.

Again I kissed him. Which I suppose could be interpreted as my way of saying "Hell Yes!!" No, not a mere "yes", but "hell yes". I really did want him too. I just didn’t want him to know that. In fear of getting hurt, I tried, perhaps far too hard, to prevent my true feelings from becoming the gossip of the week. Of course it would never last a week. Maybe in a few days they would have forgotten all along that I, Charlotte Haye, the cold-hearted bitch had fallen for a guy! It would be such a shock for two reasons; one – I am a lesbian, apparently, and two – there were rumours that I only have a heart because I bought one from the butchers. It was bloody expensive too, had to put in a special order… nah… I was interpreted in such a manner because that’s how I wanted to be. The world and me, we had an agreement; it hated me, and I pretended to hate it.

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just.another.loser

Intel

First attempt? Whatever attempt this story is boring. It reminds me of a typical american teenage movie scene. Firstly the whole story takes place in one scene without very much happeneing. Many readers would lose interest by the beginning of the second line realising nothing was really going to change. Perhaps you could have made the story a little longer, to tell more.

Your Bridget Jones Diary monologue(film version) doesn't help either. I know what you were trying to do with the "National-Make-Charlie-sick..." but it made the kiss seem less meaningful, as though a silly 14 year old were saying this. Like the enthusiasum, don't like the outcome.

The final paragpragh in which you poked fun at yourself just didn't work, it felt almost as if you enjoyed it. One example of fellow peer hatred would have been enough. The butcher heart part was funny, but needless.

Nice finishing line, but because the story lacked so much happening this sentence failed to deliver the emotional strength I'm guessing you were going for. Don't really know what to say, this piece wasn't very much, despite the few words. Perhaps you should read a few other first kiss love stories to draw inspiration. And always keep the reader in mind, you may enjoy writing it, but would someone else enjoy reading it?

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Intel

First attempt? Whatever attempt this story is boring. It reminds me of a typical american teenage movie scene. Firstly the whole story takes place in one scene without very much happeneing. Many readers would lose interest by the beginning of the second line realising nothing was really going to change. Perhaps you could have made the story a little longer, to tell more.

Your Bridget Jones Diary monologue(film version) doesn't help either. I know what you were trying to do with the "National-Make-Charlie-sick..." but it made the kiss seem less meaningful, as though a silly 14 year old were saying this. Like the enthusiasum, don't like the outcome.

The final paragpragh in which you poked fun at yourself just didn't work, it felt almost as if you enjoyed it. One example of fellow peer hatred would have been enough. The butcher heart part was funny, but needless.

Nice finishing line, but because the story lacked so much happening this sentence failed to deliver the emotional strength I'm guessing you were going for. Don't really know what to say, this piece wasn't very much, despite the few words. Perhaps you should read a few other first kiss love stories to draw inspiration. And always keep the reader in mind, you may enjoy writing it, but would someone else enjoy reading it?

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Fantasy of You

Lol, damn these doulbe postersm disaster!

Not only does he say crap, but he says it twice! For shame..

OK well, I liked the style, although it DID remind me of Bridget Jones- which isn't really a bad thing. As nice as it was for him to take the time critique what you had to say, he really is exaggerating. When he says 'most readers' he means hismelf.

By the second line, I wasn't bored, I read on. Noone gets bored in two lines, but by the end of the first paragraph, on a piece so small, a hook must be established.

I dunno how old youa re disater, but I'm 16, so I can remember being 14(she's 14 right) perfectly. And the 'he held me tighter' doesn't work. It makes it sobby for no reason. When I was 14, there was watch some film, kiss, watch some more, laughed, kiss and leave. There is no 'oh i love you hold me closer mwah mwah mwah'...

I do like it though, I like the style, but it could do with a going over to see what works and what doesn't. The last line made me glad there was no more though. It was trying to imitate a style that hadn't been carried through the rest of the piece- and I didn't like it, unlike the rest of the piece.


WOW! Ramble!

Fantasy

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Intel

Sorry for the double post. Fantasy why was I just talking crap? There wasn't very much to speak about. I think I did a very accurate review, and your job is not to critique the critic unless what they say is unacceptable. Also that part about the second line, I meant second line in third paragraph. Thanks

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cacafire

Oooh... she kisses him. *checks watch* Oooh... she kisses him. Wait a minute... She does it twice? Please tell me the rest of the story isn't like this. please...!

Meh, it's all right. I've read some much better stuff from you, beatiful. This is a disaster. I have no idea how to salvage this, but I'm sure the more experienced writers of the forum can offer much more thorouh help.

Sorry I couldn't be of much help, beautiful.
-Cacafire

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

aliceedelweiss

It's got a good story it just needs to be pulled out from under the issues. I'd suggest going over your work one or two times before posting it to get rid of some little errors. Sometimes you get very talkative and it just goes on when you really don't need any of it. I like the plot, and I really like the way you write (you capture teenage romance and all its hallow feelings) but you need to learn to only say what is needed and nothing more. I'd also suggest thinking out the plot and where you want to go before writing, because as far as I can tell this is just a scene you thought up to write about. A good scene, but none the less just a scene and not a story. I think if you worked through all that you could really pull something good out.

I'm looking forward to seeing a second version
Alice

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Glfralin

First off, I think the first two sentences are the best part of the whole piece. In love with the guy on screen, now - who? Why? Where? How? etc.

Why? Because he's so safe and unattainable. At 14 you probably haven't had much experience. I hope. Make it about your own age. Is this a boy of say 16 in Romeo and Juliet or what. Just go through the drill. Then keep drilling until you have something more believable for your experience.

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JP Wagner

i gotta be honest here....it's not a good peice and its not even worth trying to do over. don't give up writing though. The style wasn't so bad. the content was.

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Fantasy of You

Sorry Intel, you should ignore when I ramble like that. When i say 'crap' I don't mean it. You'll get used to it I hope. ^^

disaster, I just realised I didn't answer your question. This isn't romantic, in the slightly. I don't really think it oculd be, with the style you are using for it. And I don't really think you should abandon it. If you are willing to go for something different, other than romance, and you keep the style you are writing with, I think it oculd be real nice.

And it isn't as good as other pieces, but it could be easily enough.

Fantasy

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