Min Min Light

This is a fragment of a concept of mine. It's very PG--I'm actually afraid that my style as a whole may be too PG. I apologize for the formatting, BTW. I'd like to be able to indent.

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Blame my parents for being vain; I've been cursed with the burden of youth. It was supposed to be a simple procedure in engineering: toggle a couple genes to prolong one's prime and delay senescence. It worked fine for my older brother and sister, who have just hit twenty-six and twenty-eight and plan to stay that way for the next thirty years. It worked fine for my little sister, who graduated college at sixteen like a normal prodigy.

So then, what went wrong with me? Why do I look more out of place among my fellow class of 2042 than I do inside a comic book store? Why are the only girls interested in me underaged and flat-chested while the girls I like must stoop down to pat me on the head? Here I am, an eleven-year-old twenty-two-year-old. A lone Tom Thumb searching in vain for a Thumbelina.

It has to happen again. As I said, it's a simple procedure, a common procedure. I can't have been the only blunder. For that reason, I have insinuated myself into power in all of the major genetic modification corporations. I've got my eyes open for any mistake they make. If the other blunders are interesting enough, I may take them under my wing like Professor Xavier. They might feel uncomfortable taking commands from an fellow adolescent, so maybe not.

I turned away from my executive's view of the city to greet the sound of stiletto heels entering the room. It's January, my right hand woman, with her planner in hand and news to announce. January's importance is not to be underestimated. Not only does she represent me in situation where an eleven-year-boy would create a less than professional image, she also helps me reach the top shelves.

"Sir Ultim, you remember the Fior child?"
I thought back. "Ah, the quiet one? The parents thought it was autism."
She nodded. "It's beginning to look like--believe if you will--clairvoyance."
I really am like Professor X! Now invigorated, I took a swig of the Zinfandel sitting on the desk. "Brilliant! Let us pay her a little visit. I think I shall speak to her on her own level, however."
"Does that mean...?"
"Yes," I cooed, taking a diffident posture and making my most charming expression: three parts innocence puppy and two parts curious fox kit. Looking like a child does have its advantages. One could never guess my wiles and ambitions from my utterly cherubic exterior.

"As always, I will be relying on you to gather information from the parents."
January looked out the landscape window and sighed. "I hate playing your mother."

Chris Miller

Very clean and interesting writing with a cool character and plot. Funny too!
Kind of left me wanting more though.

A couple typos:

Not only does she represent me in situation where an eleven-year-boy would create a less than professional image, she also helps me reach the top shelves.
situations

...three parts innocence puppy and two parts curious fox kit.
innocent

Thanks for the read.

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the fairwriting blogs


"Almost brilliant."
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Min Min Light

Um! I'm sorry that I shamefully revived this dead thread after it was almost to the second page. I merely wanted to thank Chris M. for giving me some feedback. I assumed that the thread sunk because the story stunk, so I intended to let it R.I.P. Then I realized that if I was careless enough to go without thanking people, I probably didn't deserve any input at all. So...better late than never, right?

Ah, and by the way. There is a lot more to this concept. I just didn't want to start posting a serial at this stage. Oh, and thank you!

LoneWolf

No apologies needed!! I liked this very much. Your style of writing is very admirable, and the concept drew me into the story. I would like to see more of the adventures of Tom Thumb, and if he gets "fixed" or not, and how the little girl acts around him. Very nice, thanks for the read!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

aliceedelweiss

I think it is a cute story, I like the plot and am very interested (the comparison to Xavier gets me, I love Xmen)

should be 'a'

I don't think 'utterly' is needed. In this instance it seems TOO strong a word to describe something that is also Cherubic. I don't even think you need another word to describe his exterior.

My only complaint is that I kind of have no idea what is going on while reading it. Sometimes they explain after the entrance, but is that your plan? I'm kind of confused as to what the boy is like, why, and what he is doing. I have an idea but...it's not clear enough.

I don't think that is available...

Alice

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Sparx

Interesting and well written. Love the first person's narrator voice in this story. His witty with a sly sense of humour and that kept me hooked. I look forward to reading more.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Arin

Like Chris said, your writing is very clean, which makes this pleasant to read. I think it's a really interesting idea, and I love the context that you put it in---how the procedure worked out fine for his siblings, but screwed up for him. The time frame is also good, not so far in the future that no one living now will be alive, but far enough to feel like "the future." Nice work.

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The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!

Fantasy of You

I enjoyed it.. Take what everyone said in your mind and place it on my post lol.

CHRIS MISSPELLED WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A LOSER

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Min Min Light

Thanks for your comments everybody! \(^o^)/

I'm always a bit hesitant to bump old posts, especially if they're my own. That's part of why it took me so long to reply. It's hard to tell how old is too old on a forum, so sometimes it feels to me that I'm entering a room after everyone has left and shouting in the dark. Hopefully, I'll be able to shake that feeling.

I think I'll try to continue the story. The next one, I guess, will be called 'Girl Atlas,' (yes, I am no good at giving titles) and will focus on a different character. Now I just have to write it.

cacafire

You're right about one thing. It really is PG. No... more like G. I read this, and it's good, but my mind cries out for something of a... Darker nature.

I enjoyed it though. Good work.

-Cacafire

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew