A bloody hole in the weave - Writers Forum

patthager · 07-09-2006, 11:39 PM

I saw Fakimus in the corner of my eye. He was covered in blood. He grabbed the nearest moving thing, impaling the person (most of the crowd was at least 3 feet shorter than him) on the spikes sticking through his rib cage then flinging the lifeless corpses by a limp arm. If Fakimus still had a jaw he'd be screaming. I ran and kept running. There was nothing but piles of maimed corpses, shattered chunks of metal sticking up from a ground lining of gibs, and of course the berserk survivors. I could see woman and children getting torn to pieces as they themselves tore others. Everything had been flattened, the only land features were not made of dirt, dirt does not bleed. The mushroom cloud still hung on the horizon, and the sky seemed to be stuck in an eternal frying sunset. Someone scampered up my hill-line of corpses and let out a trembling roar. I grabbed up a shard of metal and kept moving. I looked into eyes that did not see back.

Fantasy of You · 07-11-2006, 03:31 PM

Umm.. this almost reminds me of Battle Royale, but not in a good way. I don't know what you're trying to achieve, but this has a sense of.. senseless violence? Forgive me if I am wrong, I mean, I haven't read any other part of this story, it just seems random. Maybe because it is too short to connect with the characters, and they just.. die like Battle Royale (if you have read it).

patthager · 07-12-2006, 04:18 PM

I've heard about Battle Royale, haven't read it. I was just playing around with a senselessy violent style. Don't really know why I submitted it. The characters, like Fakimus, are just supposed add to the feel of falling to senselessness. Reminding the reader that everybody is a friend or relation of someone

aliceedelweiss · 07-12-2006, 11:15 PM

It was...different. I would have liked to know why everything was happening. That would have been more appealing than just violence.

Quote:

Someone scampered up the my hill-line of corpses and let out a trembling roar. I grabbed up a shard of metal shard and kept moving.

both marked parts don't make sense...

alice

patthager · 07-13-2006, 01:38 PM

Thanks, changed 'em.
To many facts might spoil the... something. I had 1 idea and didn't want to draw it out longer than I had to, just seeing if I could do it.

Hakeem · 07-13-2006, 01:48 PM

I say that there is too many descriptions, too many adjectives. Try to make it more simple..

Fantasy of You · 07-13-2006, 02:19 PM

Um... did you read this before you critiqued Hakeem ^_^?

path, one thing I just saw, frying sunset doesn't really work, you should change it if you are going to build and follow on with the piece. If not, don't bother and post something else for me to read!

Sparx · 07-14-2006, 02:04 PM

Yeah i agree with Hakeem. Simple is always the best approach. The discriptions and the overuse of adjectives slow down what could otherwise be a fast paced, tension filled scene.