Redemption... (flash fiction 276 words)2 swear words. - Writers Forum

Lorlie · 07-08-2006, 03:44 PM

The insistent Boom boom, of the cell phone with its silly tune from 1984 disturbed the silence with finality.
She waited until the ‘Bop doobey dooo’ stopped.
She guessed without looking that it would be him, wanting to know where she was, was she coming home, were they ok.
“No. We are fucking not, ok” she screamed into the emptiness of a cheap tear soaked pillow.
The phone began its bombastic beat again; she left it, and went to the bathroom.

She showered in temper, her anger almost as hot as the water that scorched her skin.
Stepping from the small cubicle, she brushed her teeth with her finger and unfamiliar paste, squinting to see her reflection in the steamed up mirror.
She fashioned a condensation drawing of a Lowry face where hers should be, and then streaked it all with a wave of her hand.
The mascara which promised to be waterproof gave her panda eyes, and her hair begged to be tamed.
She returned to sit on the bed and idly picked up her cell phone.

Seven missed calls, all from one number that she did not recognize.
She pressed re-call, and was presented with a tinny voice.
“Claxton memorial hospital, A&E, how may I help”
“I have a missed call from here, my name is Petra Sweeny”
“Hold for a moment” the tinny voice instructed.
The moment was an eternity.
“I’m so sorry, can you get here straight away. There has been an accident” A new voice informed her. A gentle voice, one that held no promise.

The line clicked off to emptiness and a solitary tear streaked across her reddened cheek, and she knew, they would never be ok again.

myownbeautifuldisaster · 07-08-2006, 04:35 PM

Quote:

The insistent Boom boom,[i don't think there should be a comma here] of the cell phone with its silly tune from 1984 disturbed the silence with finality.
She waited until the ‘Bop doobey dooo’ stopped.
She guessed without looking that it would be him, wanting to know where she was, was she coming home, were they okay.[i was confused, since it went from a single person he was worrying about to plural]
"No. We are fucking not, ok"[i'd change this to "No. We are fucking not okay!" She...] she screamed into the emptiness of a cheap tear soaked pillow.
The phone began its bombastic beat again; she left it, and went to the bathroom.

She showered in temper,[..temper. Her anger... (makes more impact)] her anger almost as hot as the water that scorched her skin.
Stepping from the small cubicle, she brushed her teeth with her finger and unfamiliar paste, squinting to see her reflection in the steamed up mirror.
She fashioned a condensation drawing of a Lowry face where hers should be, and then streaked it all with a wave of her hand.
The mascara, which promised to be waterproof, gave her panda eyes, and her hair begged to be tamed.
She returned to sit on the bed and idly picked up her cell phone.

just a few suggestions. i don't pretend to be an expert. hope i helped in some way.

i actually really liked it. i found it quite powerful. hope you intend to write more on this. i'm intrigued to find out who "he" is, and what the accident was.

Fantasy of You · 07-08-2006, 04:45 PM

The insistent Boom boom(Boom, boom doesn't really work for me as the sound of a ringtone. Maybe you should change it?), of the cell phone with its silly (Silly doesn'y work for me, unless she ends up being a five year old- it seems that 'silly' would be the thought of the character, and 'silly' is a childlike word. Maybe absurd.. or brainless?I think it would reflect the character's mood a little better too)tune from 1984 disturbed the silence with finality.
She waited until the ‘Bop doobey dooo’ (Suggests she is in a happy mood, to think of the tune as bop doobey dooo.. Maybe incesent chrosu would be better?)stopped.
She guessed without looking that it would be him, wanting to know where she was, was she coming home, (if she was coming home)were they ok.
“No.(,) We are fucking not, ok” she screamed into the emptiness of a cheap(,)tear soaked pillow.
The phone began its bombastic beat again; she left it, and went to the bathroom.

She (Is there a reason she doesn't have a name? The repetition of she is slightly annoying)showered in temper, her anger almost(I think you should loose the 'almost'.. I mean, it's a given that this sentence is not literal) as hot as the water that scorched her skin.
Stepping from the small cubicle, she brushed her teeth with her finger and unfamiliar paste, squinting to see her reflection in the steamed up(Is is just me, or does steamed up read awkwardly?) mirror.
She fashioned a condensation drawing of a Lowry face where hers should be, and then streaked it all with a wave of her hand.(I like this, but is it something someone would do, being as angry as she is?)
The mascara which promised to be waterproof gave her panda eyes, and her hair begged to be tamed.
She returned to sit on the bed and idly picked up her cell phone.

Seven missed calls, all from one number that she did not recognize.
She pressed re-call, and was presented with a tinny voice.
“Claxton memorial hospital, A&E, how may I help”(how may i help?")
“I have a missed call from here, my name is Petra Sweeny”(Petra Sweeny.")
“Hold for a moment” (a moment,")the tinny voice instructed.
The moment was an eternity.
“I’m so sorry, can you get here straight away. There has been an accident” A new voice informed her(addident," a new voice..). A gentle voice, one that held no promise.(A gentle voice that held no promise)

The line clicked off to emptiness and a solitary tear streaked across her reddened cheek, and she knew, they would never be ok again.

Aww, diddums lol.

This is a really nice pice, besides from the mentioned. I am a bit confused at the woman's reaction. If she didn't know it was the hospital, thinking it was her boyfriend who she had had a fight with and didn't want to speak to, I think you should show it in her thoughts after her phone call from the hospital, because it confused me...

That's just what I think happened, sticking things together, but it isn't very clear.

I liked it- favor repayed

Lorlie · 07-08-2006, 05:56 PM

Thanks guys,.

You know I used to have a pal, we had a Saturday night ritual.
We would both open a bottle of wine at opposite sides of the globe, or just miles apart, depending on where life had us.
We would imbibe and send each other something that had been a moment that we glimpsed, or we lived, and leave it abstract.
This is one of those,.

Thanks for reading,.

Lorlie

Glfralin · 07-08-2006, 09:50 PM

I enjoyed the thoughts here, it seems like a small portion of a story, so it's hard to say anything more than the others. Did you and your friend finish each other's stories. This isn't something I have much experience at, so not a lot to say. Just read it through aloud and see what makes sense, and check out the hints above.

I'd say nice story, but it's not meant to be nice. So good story line.

Crepuscular · 07-11-2006, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorlie

The insistent boom boom, (No comma here.) (I agree that boom boom doesn't feel right - boom indicates bass and power - cell phone songs always sound hollow, tin-like) of the cell phone with its silly tune from 1984 disturbed the silence with finality.
She waited until the ‘Bop doobey dooo’ stopped.
She guessed without looking that it would be him, wanting to know where she was, was she coming home, were they ok?
“No. We are fucking not, ok,” she screamed into the emptiness of a cheap tear soaked pillow.
The phone began its bombastic beat again; she left it, and went to the bathroom.

She showered in temper, her anger almost as hot as the water that scorched her skin. (She showered in temper? Sounds odd. Could be 'Her temper rose as she showered, until it became as heated as the water that scorched her skin.' Or something.)
Stepping from the small cubicle, she brushed her teeth with her finger and unfamiliar paste, squinting to see her reflection in the steamed up mirror.
She fashioned a condensation drawing of a Lowry face ('of a Lowry face'? Confuses me. 'of Lowry's face'? Is that the guy's name?) where hers should be, and then streaked it all with a wave of her hand.
The mascara which promised to be waterproof gave her panda eyes, and her hair begged to be tamed. (My favorite line in the piece. Very nice.)
She returned to sit on the bed and idly picked up her cell phone. (Sounds awkward. Maybe 'She returned to the bed, and idly picked up her cell phone.)

Seven missed calls, all from one number that she did not recognize.
She pressed re-call, and was presented with a tinny (tiny) voice.
“Claxton memorial hospital, A&E, how may I help?” (What's A&E stand for? Should I know this or is it regional? Emergency room? Or do you mean it to be vague?)
“I have a missed call from here (there). My name is Petra Sweeny.”
“Hold for a moment,” the tinny (tiny) voice instructed. ('Instructed' is perfect here.)
The moment was an eternity.
“I’m so sorry, can you get here straight away? There has been an accident,” a new voice informed her. A gentle voice, one that held no promise. (It was a gentle voice that held no promise.)

The line clicked off to emptiness (Second use of the word 'emptiness' to indicate pain. Might want to change one. Or just 'The line clicked off.') and a solitary tear streaked across her reddened cheek, and she knew, they would never be ok again. (I'd break these sentences up. 'The line clicked off. A solitary tear streaked across her reddened cheek. She knew they would never be okay again.')

I like what you've done here. It's a good excerpt if you make some minor changes. It seems the ends of a longer story, though. On its own it works to create interest, but also leaves one wanting to know more.

Fantasy of You · 07-11-2006, 04:31 PM

Accident & Emergency Room.

aliceedelweiss · 07-12-2006, 12:51 AM

Awesome Job lorlie. I really enjoyed it for a flash. I think I'm slow, because I don't get what the message left from the hospital is meaning so I might need some explaining...but otherwise I really liked it

Bravo,
alice

Fantasy of You · 07-12-2006, 07:11 AM

That there has been an accident? Someone is in the hospital lol. I don't know what you mean.

Tramontane · 07-12-2006, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorlie

The insistent Boom boom [I agree, no likey, and not a fan of the comma after it], of the cell phone with its silly tune from 1984 disturbed the silence with finality.
She waited until the ‘Bop doobey dooo’ stopped.
She guessed without looking that it would be him, wanting to know where she was, was she coming home, were they ok.
“No. We are fucking not, ok” she screamed into the emptiness of a cheap tear soaked pillow.
The phone began its bombastic beat again; she left it, and went to the bathroom.

She showered in temper, her anger almost as hot as the water that scorched her skin.
Stepping from the small cubicle, she brushed her teeth with her finger and unfamiliar paste, squinting to see her reflection in the steamed up mirror.
She fashioned a condensation drawing of a Lowry face where hers should be, and then streaked it all with a wave of her hand[This is just a neat touch, makes it feel real, throwing in the kind of odd little activities people engage in, no matter what is going on around them. I like it].
The mascara which promised to be waterproof gave her panda eyes, and her hair begged to be tamed.
She returned to sit on the bed and idly picked up her cell phone.

Seven missed calls, all from one number that she did not recognize.
She pressed re-call, and was presented with a tinny voice.
“Claxton memorial hospital, A&E, how may I help”
“I have a missed call from here, my name is Petra Sweeny”
“Hold for a moment” the tinny voice instructed.
The moment was an eternity.
“I’m so sorry, can you get here straight away. There has been an accident” A new voice informed her. A gentle voice, one that held no promise[I really like this description of the nature of the voice. I could hear it, and it fit perfectly].

The line clicked off to emptiness and a solitary tear streaked across her reddened cheek, and she knew, they would never be ok again.

This fills me with a huge wish to know the backstory, how things turn out, what happened, etc. A very believably written snippet of an experience. Simply because it has me so interested and curious, I must assume that it is very effective writing.

Lorlie · 07-13-2006, 11:08 AM

Alice, Foy, Tramonte,

Thanks to you all for suggestions and for reading.

I will dust this up and a bit and re-post at a later stage.

Thanks again,.

Lorlie

WiCkEd · 07-15-2006, 11:12 AM

I liked it. Some of the wording was a bit odd I thought, but other than that it was good.