True Story of a Redneck Madwoman - Writers Forum

Glfralin · 07-08-2006, 11:50 AM

An Only Slightly Exaggerated True Story of a Redneck Madwoman

Momma; aka Fish Bait

Ah, finally home from work. It’s 3:30. Angie will be coming home from school in about 5 minutes.

Lord what a day, we lost Mrs. Vence, we admitted two terminal cancer patients, one of the CNA’s hurt her back. Whew, lots of paper work today. Oh, well the kid will be home soon and I’ve got to get Tony down for his nap.

I tell my 3 year old son its time for his nap which of course starts the battle. “Tony, come on, mommy’s tired and needs a break.” I finally get him down and he’s snoozing. Angela, why aren’t you home from school? I made a bet with myself that she was at Margaret’s again. I call the school to make sure she didn’t get held there, no they tell me, she left when the others did. I call Margaret, “Is Angie there Margaret?”

“She stopped here for just a couple minutes, but she left about 15 minutes ago.” She reports. Then I get the well meant but indulgent speech: “Now that is a precious child, don’t you get onto at her.”

Dear Margaret, yes my daughter is very precious, and I’d like to keep her alive for a while. Margaret, a sweet seventyish gray haired lady, babysat the kids last year when we lived next door. But she never quite understood that I needed to know where Angie was. She’d give Angie a treat every darn time she snuck off to her house. I’d talked to Margaret till I was blue in the face, but she just didn’t get it. This year it got to the point that Angie was later and later to from school almost every dang day. We finally figured out she’d found the way to Margaret’s house. After that we made an arrangement, tried anyway, that Angie would only stop for a visit one day a week after school. And this sure as heck wasn’t it.

I was angry, now I’m both livid and scared. Angie’s my slow poke, but this was the worst it had been after school. I’m tired of your lateness nearly every afternoon, you little brat. I dash outside and stand on the sidewalk looking toward the direction of Margaret’s place. I tap my foot, about ready to get in the car and go hunting. I dig in my purse for my keys. Looking up I see a small head atop a short body shuffling toward home.

By this point I’m psychotic. The least the kid could have been was half dead. You better have a darn good reason, or… I’m one of those reactors. I’m a bit like an atomic core that gets exposed. Watch out cause all hell’s breakin’ loose. While many mothers would run to the kid hugging, bawling, and slobbering kisses all over them, I’m the mom who explodes when I know the danger is past. I’m ready to throw words like a whip across my child’s backside.

Standing staunchly with my hands on my hips and my legs set wide apart, I let my jaw fly like a released bear trap grabbing its prey. “Where have you been?” yelling at the top of my lungs, “I’ve been worried sick and I’m tired of you pulling this crap.” I knew my eyes were throwing daggers and the flames were pumping out of my lungs burning the neighborhood with her.

But, when you awaken the ire of a redneck madwoman momma, there are no rules.

“Mommy,”

No kid you aren’t getting a word in. I should ground you for a year at least - FROM EVERYTHING. She’s hiding something behind her back. Oh, I’m really going to blow now.

“You sneaky little brat,” I squeal my favorite name for a child in the path of my anger, “what have you got behind your back?”

“But mommy,” she rushes on, heck I’d never seen this kid move or talk so fast, “I got you a present.” Now she was near yelling as tears streamed down that 7 year old face.

I grab for the edge of something – anything. I was shrinking, lower and lower. I needed something to grab before I turn to a heap of manure on my sidewalk.

“What?” Breathing heaves of air to blow out the flames.

My child’s voice continued to shake. “I lost the first quarter, and Margaret gave me another one. So I went down to Charlie’s Bait Shop and got you this little fishy.”

A small clear sack appeared from behind her back. Inside was water and a small swimming, gray thing. Still stunned all I could do was look dumbly at the gift. Now what was I going to do?

My tongue now whipped back at me from the kind mouth of my victim. Ah, crap; why do kids do this to us? How does a parent win? I slid to my knees and took the bag from my daughter’s outstretched arm. I was trying to speak, but I was totally muted.

That’s when I started to bawl like a baby. Yeah, the madwoman momma put in her place. I grasped my daughter hugging, bawling, and slobbering kisses all over her.
Finally a couple weak words, “I’m sorry.” Wait I can get a couple more out. “I love your babe.”

I looked up again and Angie was pointing to the door. There stands my son, wide eyed like a kid who found the monster in the closet. Ah, sh—!

That fish lived two months in a jar I found. A small gray, swimming, slippery piece of fish bait was mine to protect as long as I could keep it alive.

Chris Miller · 07-08-2006, 03:44 PM

Yeah, this is better written, well written, very few mistakes. It doesn’t strike me as a humor piece though. To me it’s more poignant. The emotion I get is relief and guilt, and a little anger. What would make it funny to me would be if you found out the old lady had like a whole tank of those little minnows to soften you up with whenever she sent your kid home tardy.

On a higher level, I don’t think this needs to be funnier or even funny to work. But if you want to add humor, I suggest you ease up on the exaggeration. Lines like, “by now I’m psychotic,” didn’t quite ring true, and you did a perfectly good job of showing this anyway.

I’d say you can write though. Nice job.

Edits:

I tell my 3 year old son its time…
it’s

I’m both livid and scared.
“scared” = afraid (“scared” is the past tense of “scare” and is a verb, not a subject complement.) Very common mistake though. Might get away with it in dialogue if you want your character to sound inarticulate.

“I love your babe.”
you

myownbeautifuldisaster · 07-08-2006, 03:52 PM

i really really liked that!!! i couldn't stop reading. i also found myself smiling at the end, though i almost started crying along with the kid at an earlier stage.

however, at the beginning i got confused with what tense you were writing in...

Quote:

I made a bet with myself that she was at Margaret’s again. I call the school

Quote:

I call the school to make sure she didn’t get held there, no they tell me, she left when the others did. I call Margaret, “Is Angie there Margaret?”

i would split that sentence up quite a bit. would have more impact.

Quote:

fifteen minutes ago

it's less distracting if numbers are written out fully.allows the piece to flow better.

well, i'm going to read more of your stuff. thanks for that one though, really got to me.

Fantasy of You · 07-08-2006, 04:04 PM

I think the tensing myownbeautifuldisaster is talking about it fine- maybe you haven't encountered the style of writing? Picture it as a guy talking to a friend in a bar

I agree that numbers should be in letter form- it just reads better.

I needed something to grab before I turn to a heap of manure on my sidewalk.

The tensing there, however, needs changing. Either he needs something to grab on, or before he turned... I think it is turned you need to correct..

And I agree with chris (and who wouldn't the sexy beast) this has improved so much from the other piece, that I would of the same person wrote them both- good job, really!

It was entertaining.

Glfralin · 07-08-2006, 04:05 PM

Thank you both Chris and myown. These are the type of critiques I can work with. Tense was something I tried to edit for, but I did miss a few, thanks for pointing that out. If it doesn't need to be a humorous piece I think I'll let it fly without that. If I have to work to hard to write humor, it won't come off as natural at all. Thanks a lot.

myownbeautifuldisaster · 07-08-2006, 04:06 PM

yeah probably just me!! i didn't get the tensing at all. care to explain it to me? always willing to learn

Fantasy of You · 07-08-2006, 04:20 PM

OK, I don't write in the tense, it's not my style, but I'll give it a go.

I made a bet with myself.

Imagine a guy in a bar- He is telling you that he made a bet with himself..

I call the school

He is telling you he called the school, and glfralin is writing as if the man is speaking- and people don't stick to tenses as they speak. "I call the school.." is just the man telling you still...

I hope that's explained.. It's just written as if speaking.. Sorry if that is coming out wrong lol

myownbeautifuldisaster · 07-08-2006, 04:29 PM

aww i get it now!!!!! could you hear my brain starting to work? hahahaha sorry for being dumb

and thank you fantasy

Glfralin · 07-09-2006, 10:00 AM

Thanks Fantasy for sticking up for my POV, and thanks myown for being interested enough to ask. So, I edit more, and more, that's always a given, but then where do I take it from there?

Chris Miller · 07-09-2006, 10:39 AM

Quote:

So, I edit more, and more, that's always a given, but then where do I take it from there?

Boy can I ever relate to that question. For me writing's kind of an up and down thing. I get some idea and launch into it. I get all wound up in it for like a week or so. I research and write and rewrite. And eventually I'm kind of unrealisticly and sort of insanely happy with and proud of it, and so I post it (in the Workshop because I fantasize maybe selling it someday) and some here like it and some do not like it... and maybe I modify it a bit based on responses, and then it rolls off into oblivion, and then what? Exactly.

Well there are zillions of little e-zines and low or non paying publictaions you can submit it to. Or maybe you even get it in a big prestigous publication and thousands of people read it and email you just to tell you how great you are and how much you've changed their lives and then you win a Hugo or Nebula or some big competition like The Fish and get all kinds of great reviews... and then what? Or maybe only one person here says, "You're amazing." So yeah, you're pretty pumped for a few days, but then life goes on and back down you go, maybe even lower than you started for a bit.

A lot of my stuff I've never submited anywhere. One of the reasons I think I'm putting off writing another novel is because I hate that "now what" at the end. It's nice to fantasize. And the net will imortalize us all anyway. But I'm kind of beginning to think that just writing is enough. Just writing is the thing.

Sorry, I was trying to answer your question, really I was, because it's kind of my question too.

Glfralin · 07-09-2006, 05:58 PM

Thanks anyway Chris.

aliceedelweiss · 07-13-2006, 08:56 AM

really cute! i loved it! The story flows, it's interesting, and the characters are very good, for my taste.

Quote:

Wait I can get a couple more out. “I love your babe.”

Is that supposed to be 'you babe'?

I caught some other errors but I forget where they are... I like this a lot though, very good work.

Alice