Knocks ( 1130 words) - Writers Forum

Atom · 07-07-2006, 04:52 PM

Knocks

“That’s never going to work” said Mr. Brooch as he corrected his young pupil with the equation that was written in chalk crudely onto the blackboard.

The youth, who’s name Mr. Brooch never bothered to learn, was standing at the front of the class, trying to figure out what he did wrong. The teenager had long black hair, black eyeliner, and wore long dark pants, with a Marilyn Manson t- shirt. The young man was what other kids in the school called a Goth.

“ You see what you’ve done wrong now?” explained Mr. Brooch, pointing at the board. The teen stared at the board, then down to the floor, long dark hair covering his eyes. He had not understood.

Mr. Brooch sighed. “ Wow, how stupid can someone get?”

The class laughed and made rude comments about the young man, who now has his eyebrows arched as if he wanted to hit someone.

Mr. Brooch, still chuckling, said, “ Okay, now go back to your seat, and let’s have someone whose brain isn’t the size of a peanut to come to the board.”

More laughter from the class. The teen trudged away from the front of the room, and slumped into his seat. His hands in fists, the expression on his face could only be described as ‘pissed“. He muttered something under his breath and glared at his teacher.

Ten minutes later the bell rang and the students were dismissed to their next class. Mr. Brooch, watching the kids leaving the room, spotted the kid he had embarrassed earlier in the class. The teen’s gaunt face had a solemn expression, and his dark eyes were looking into Mr. Brooch‘s soul. The teacher went cold. The youth exited the room, and Mr. Brooch exhaled. That was odd, he thought. What a weird feeling.

The favorite time of the school day came, for teachers and students alike: Lunch. Mr. Brooch, smiling, brought his lunch tray filled with food from the cafeteria to his classroom to eat in peace. While eating his food, there was a knocking sound.

“Come in! Doors open!” Mr. Brooch shouted, spaghetti hanging from his mouth. Five seconds passed and Mr. Brooch got out of his seat and opened the door. No one. He checked the hallway and found nobody. Strange, he thought, they must’ve been knocking at the class room next door and went in there. Satisfied with his deduction, Mr. Brooch bent down to sit in his seat, when there was another knock on the door. The teacher ran and opened.

No one. Getting annoyed, he checked the hallway, and closed the door. He was about to sit, but before his butt touched the chair, there was another knock.

“ Who the heck!” Mr. Brooch hissed. He once again checked the hallway, and upon finding no one, he slammed the door. “Think they can outsmart me, eh?” the teacher muttered . “I’ll show those darned kids.”

Mr. Brooch stood behind the door, ready to open it at a moments notice. Ten minutes passed, and Mr. Brooch, still annoyed but tired of standing in one spot, walked back to his seat. He sat.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

“ What is that?” Mr. Brooch said, confused. “ Is someone watching me?”

Must be an organized prank, he reasoned, and ignored the knock on the door, to eat his spaghetti. His lunch had gotten cold.

Mr. Brooch sighed. “Darned kids,” he said under his breath once again. He threw the plastic tray and its contents in the trash bin. Mr. Brooch opened a book, heard the knocking on his door, and scowled. Mr. Brooch ignored the sound, and silently read his book, waiting for the next class period to start. While reading, the knocking sound came on four different occasions, and on the last one, Mr. Brooch frustratingly threw open the door. There was someone there.

“Hey Tom, do you have any chalk I can use? I ran out last period.” It was the teacher next door, Mrs. Leonard

“ Yeah sure.” Mr. Brooch walked to his supplies drawer, opened it and got out a couple pieces of chalk.

“ Here you go” Mr. Brooch said, walking over to Mrs. Leonard. He stopped.

“ By the way, has someone been knocking on your door? I think some kids are playing a prank on me.” he said.

“ Nope, I didn’t hear anything…”

“ Well, alright thanks.”
Mrs. Leonard said goodbye and left the classroom.

Later that night, in the safety of his home, Mr. Brooch was lying down on his bed, reading his book, when there was a knock at the door.

“ Oh no!” he gasped.

After a moment, Mr. Brooch laughed.

“ Don’t be ridiculous” Mr. Brooch grunted to himself. “ It must be one of the neighbors.”

Mr. Brooch got out of his bed, walked down the hallway, passed the guest bedroom, and looked through the peephole. There was no one there.
Mr. Brooch cursed. “ How could a student know where I live?” He tried to think up a logical conclusion of why someone had just knocked on his door and walked away.

“ A mailman? A Jehovah’s witness who got bored waiting for me? Who?
The disgruntled man was walking back to his bedroom, when he passed the guest bedroom and the most unsettling thought came to him.

“Wasn’t that door closed?” he thought, looking into the darkness of the room. Shaking his head, he closed the door, and continued down the hallway when he heard:

Thud Thud Thud.
Mr. Brooch gasped. It was coming from the guest bedroom.

Mr. Brooch ran quickly to his room and locked his bedroom door. Breathing heavily, he ran into his walk-in-closet and closed the door. The moment the closet door was shut, Mr. Brooch heard a deafening smash. Heart beating uncontrollably, Mr. Brooch put his head on the floor to check under the crack in the door. He saw black shoes, but nothing higher then that. In the most frightening moment of his life, the teacher tried to stay calm. He saw the figure bend down and look under his bed then stand back up again. The shoes pointed towards the closet door and like a horror movie in slow motion started to walk towards it.

Thud Thud Thud.

The door opened and a gunshot was heard by the neighbors.

Mrs. Leonard looked down upon the lifeless body. She laughed. Maybe now the principal would give her the chalk she desperately needed. Mrs. Leonard looked at the sheet of paper in her hands. It was a list of teachers.

“ Onto the next one” she smiled with an evil glint in her eye.

Atom · 07-08-2006, 04:07 PM

mwd · 07-08-2006, 04:39 PM

Hey atom,

A fun read. Entertaining, but I had some issues (which I talk about at the end). Comments follow...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

“That’s NEVER going to work,” said Mr. Brooch as he corrected his young pupil with the equation that was written in chalk crudely onto the blackboard. [This seems like a long opening sentence to me. I'd try breaking it up, and see if you can unpack the details more slowly.]

The youth, who’s [whose] name Mr. Brooch never bothered to learn, was standing at the front of the class, trying to figure out what he did wrong. The teenager had long black hair, black eyeliner, and wore long dark pants, with a Marilyn Manson t- shirt [Haha]. The young man was what other kids in the school called, [don't need a comma here] a Goth.

“ You see what you’ve done wrong now?” explained Mr. Brooch, pointing at the board. The teen stared at the board, then down to the floor, long dark hair covering his eyes. He had not understood.

Mr. Brooch sighed. “ Wow, how stupid can someone get?” [Haha]

The class laughed and made rude comments about the young man, who now has his eyebrows arched as if he wanted to hit someone [Weak simile IMO. How exactly does ones eyebrows arch when wanting to hit someone? Why are we focusing on his eyebrows, instead of his hands or his feet or his lips. You could even use it as an opportunity for further characterization, by describing the black nail polish on his hands, the black leather boots he's wearing, or the black lipstick.].

Mr. Brooch, still chuckling, said, “ Okay, now go back to your seat, and lets [let's] have someone who’s [whose. who's is a contraction for who is.] brain isn’t the size of a peanut to come to the board.”

More laughter from the class. The teen trudged away from the front of the room, and slumped into his seat. His hands in fists, the expression on his face could only be described as PISSED [funny, but I wouldn't use capitals for emphasis. they tend to distract most readers, IMO. i've been guilty of using capitals before myself, but i've become convinced that it's usually not necessary, except maybe occasionally in dialogue, and even then. just my opinion, of course.]. He muttered something [muttered what? you got me interested here. as it is, the word 'something' probably isn't necessary. whose (see what I did there?) telling this story? which POV is this? that is, i guess, the best factor for whether we should know what he says, or not.] under his breath and glared at his teacher.

Ten minutes later, the bell rang, [you can probably ditch the first comma, if not both of them. remember that commas slow your readers down, which is usually bad unless you need to slow them down for a particular reason]and the students were dismissed to their next class. Mr. Brooch, watching the kids leaving the room, spotted the kid he had embarrassed earlier in the class. The teen’s gaunt face had a solemn expression, and his dark eyes were looking into Mr. Brooch‘s soul. The teacher went cold. The youth exited the room, and Mr. Brooch exhaled. That was odd, he thought. What a weird feeling. [Ah, okay. It's Mr. Brooch's POV. I'd like to see this established a little earlier, personally.]

The favorite time of the school day came, for teachers and students alike. Lunch. Mr. Brooch, smiling, brought his lunch tray filled with food from the cafeteria to his classroom to eat in peace. Suddenly, [Suddenly is a weak adverb. I'd hesitate to use it.] while eating his food, there was a knocking sound.

“Come in! Doors opened [open?]!” Mr. Brooch shouted, spaghetti hanging from his mouth. Five seconds passed, and Mr. Brooch got out of his seat and opened the door. No one. He checked the hallway and found nobody. Strange, he thought, they must’ve been knocking at the class room next door and went in there. Satisfied with his deduction, Mr. Brooch bent down to sit in his seat, when there was another knock on the door. The teacher ran and opened.

No one. Getting annoyed, he checked the hallway, and closed the door. He was about to sit, but before his butt touched the chair, there was another knock.

“ Who the heck!” Mr. Brooch hissed. He once again checked the hallway, and finding no one, slamming the door. “Think they can outsmart me, eh?” the teacher muttered . “I’ll show those darned kids.”

Mr. Brooch stood behind the door, ready to open it at a moments notice. Ten minutes passed, and Mr. Brooch, still annoyed but tired of standing in one spot, walked back to his seat. He sat.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

“ What is that?” Mr. Brooch said, confused. “ Is someone watching me?”

Must be an organized prank, he reasoned, and ignored the knock on the door, to eat his spaghetti. His lunch had gotten cold.

Mr. Brooch sighed. “Darned kids[comma]” he said under his breath once again [no real need to say 'once again', unless it's actually important that you remind us of something.]. He threw the plastic tray and its contents in the trash bin. Mr. Brooch opened a book, called “Digital Fortress” and [since you used and later in the sentence, you probably don't need it here] heard the knocking on his door once again, and scowled. Mr. Brooch ignored the sound, and silently read his book, waiting for the next class period to start. While reading, the knocking sound came on four different occasions, and on the last one, Mr. Brooch frustratingly threw open the door. There was someone there.

“Hey Tom, do you have any chalk I can use? I ran out last period.” It was the teacher next door, Mrs. Leonard

“ Yeah sure.” Mr. Brooch walked to his supplies drawer, opened it and got out a couple pieces of chalk.

“ Here you go” Mr. Brooch said, walking over to Mrs. Leonard. He stopped.

“ By the way, has someone been knocking on your door? I think some kids are playing a prank on me.” [I got a little confused here as to who was speaking at first. Since both bits of dialogue are by Mr. Brooch, you can put them in the same paragraph. Since dialogue in the same paragraph is assumed to be from the same person, it's an easy way to cheat having to put in dialogue attribution.]

“ Nope, I didn’t hear anything…”

“ Well, alright thanks.”
Mrs. Leonard said goodbye and left the classroom.

Later that night, in the safety of his home, Mr. Brooch was lying down onto [on] his bed, reading his book, Digital Fortress, when there was a knock at the door. [Is there a reason you keep repeating that the book is Digital Fortress? As readers, we assume that everything you're telling us is important somehow to the story. Is this?]

“ Oh no!” he gasped.

After a moment, Mr. Brooch laughed.

“ Don’t be ridiculous” Mr. Brooch grunted to himself. “ It must be one of the neighbors.”

Mr. Brooch got out of his bed, walked down the hallway, passed the guest bedroom, and looked through the peephole. There was no one there.
Mr. Brooch cursed. “ How could a student know where I live?” He tried to think up a logical conclusion of why someone had just knocked on his door and walked away.

“ A mailman? A Jehovah’s witness who got bored waiting for me? Who?
The disgruntled man was walking back to his bedroom, when he passed the guest bedroom and the most unsettling thought came to him.

“Wasn’t that door closed?” he thought, looking into the darkness of the room. Shaking his head, he closed the door, and continued down the hallway when he heard:

Thud Thud Thud.
Mr. Brooch gasped. It was coming from the guest bedroom! [Why the exclamation point? Is the narrator excited?]

Mr. Brooch ran quickly to his room and locked his bedroom door. Breathing heavily, he ran into his walk-in-closet and closed the door. The moment, [no comma needed here] the closet door was shut, Mr. Brooch heard a deafening smash. Heart beating uncontrollably, Mr. Brooch put his head on the floor to check under the crack in the door. He saw black shoes, but nothing higher then that. In the most frightening moment of his life, the teacher tried to stay calm. He saw the figure bend down and look under his bed then stand back up again. The shoes pointed towards the closet door and like a horror movie in slow motion started to walk towards it.

Thud Thud Thud.

The door opened and a gunshot was heard by the neighbors.

Mrs. Leonard looked down upon the lifeless body. She laughed. Maybe now the principal would give her the chalk she desperately needed. Mrs. Leonard looked at the sheet of paper in her hands. It was a list of teachers.

“ Onto the next one” she smiled with an evil glint in her eye.

[On the plus side, your ending is unexpected. On the negative side, it's so unexpected as to just be ridiculous. At the very least I would have liked to see at least one clue -- for example, before it's revealed that its Mr.s Leonard, you say that the person has black shoes. Her shoes could be described earlier in the story, by Mr. Brooch, and therefore you'd reward the reader for paying attention.

As it is, I feel like it didn't really matter whether I was paying attention or not, since the ending was so totally out of left field. Everything in the story was misdirection (why was Digital Fortress so important that you had to mention it repeatedly?), so that it feels like a real long joke leading up to a punchline -- the only problem was that I didn't know it was a joke until it was over, LOL.]

Glfralin · 07-08-2006, 09:03 PM

I'm not going to go through and edit your who story for you right now, but I'd check out your present and past tenses for one and your grammer. I do have a bit of trouble with the word "gotten" that one seems to grate on me like gots.

I really enjoyed this. You had me setting on the edge of my seat waiting for the kid to come in the door with a knife acting like Norman Bates or someone like that. Then you give that hilarious twist at the end. So darned unfair of you. Good job.

Fantasy of You · 07-09-2006, 04:20 AM

Aww you totally ruined the atmosphere of the piece. To be completely honest, your building of suspense was dead on- it really was. But you ruined it at the end with such a stupid thing. If it WAS going to have such a dumbass ending, the theme should of ran throughout.

It was nice though, good job.

Fantasy

Hakeem · 07-09-2006, 05:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

“That’s NEVER going to work” said Mr. Brooch as he corrected his young pupil with the equation that was written in chalk crudely onto the blackboard.

It's a very catchy opening sentence which I like very much, but there is no need to capitalize the "never".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The teenager had long black hair, black eyeliner, and wore long dark pants, with a Marilyn Manson t- shirt. The young man was what other kids in the school called, a Goth.

The description for the teenager is not quite enough although it's comprehensive. Try to focus on the face features more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

Mr. Brooch sighed. “ Wow, how stupid can someone get?” ..... Mr. Brooch, still chuckling, said, “ Okay, now go back to your seat, and lets have someone who’s brain isn’t the size of a peanut to come to the board.”

WOW! You did an astonishing job portraying the antagonist character. I'd shove the chalk down that teacher's throat if he was for real!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

The favorite time of the school day came, for teachers and students alike. Lunch.

The favorite time of the school day came, for teachers and students alike: Lunch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

Mr. Brooch shouted, spaghetti.... opened.

Try to re-word this by using commas and periods in better places, it will be better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

and finding no one, slamming the door.

Try: and upon finding no one, he slammed the door.

-Must be an organized prank, he reasoned, and ignored the knock on the door trying to eat his spaghetti, but found his lunch had gotten cold.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

“ A mailman? A Jehovah’s witness who got bored waiting for me? Who?

You can say: “A mail man? A Jehovah's.....“ Mr Brooch was saying to himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I liked the story because it had a strange idea, but the ending was "not that much". If you like, you can leave clues here and there leading to the ending but not in an expected way. The ending which makes the readers go: 'I should've known!'. Also you leave too much blank spaces between paragraphs. Try to cut down on these also.

There was emphasis on the Digital Fortress. I thought that it had to do with something at the ending but it didn't. You can just say that he was reading a book.

I liked the story and it flows easily. If you want any help I'm here all day.

Fantasy of You · 07-09-2006, 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hakeem

If you want any help I'm here all day.

Once again Hakeem proves how interesting his life really is.

Hakeem · 07-09-2006, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fantasy of You

Once again Hakeem proves how interesting his life really is.

Once again, Fantasy of You shows us how her comments can be really helpful sometimes...

Atom · 07-09-2006, 04:28 PM

Thanks for the feedback guys. I edited the story from what uve told me grammar wise. I'll try to think of a new ending or at least a way to leave clues to this ending. Any suggestions for either?

RachelA · 07-10-2006, 03:08 AM

Hmm, I actually thought you were trying to make a statement about judging people with this ending and I even think it would work, if maybe you could give us another reason for her killing him than over some chalk. Clearly the female teacher is disturbed to kill someone in the first place but she has been functioning in a trusted role in a school quite adequately so maybe it could be a revenge thing for his sarcastic treatment of her when she was a (goth) pupil herself or something (just an idea). I thought the point of the whole story was about judging people on their appearance (him instantly thinking it was the goth kid) and comeuppance (what goes around, comes around, karma). I enjoyed reading it and you built the suspense well. The twist ending would work if you just gave us a more understandable motive.

Fantasy of You · 07-10-2006, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hakeem

Once again, Fantasy of You shows us how her comments can be really helpful sometimes...

Once again (again?) Hakeem forces me to take pity on him and reply to what he has to say.

Rachel, I think you are over analysing the ending lol. I think the ended was either (tell me if I'm wrong) rushed or poorly thought out. I think, Atom, you should change the ending so either the goth kills the teacher (but that is kind of expected, no offence to goths of the murdering type..) or, if you want to build upon the short story and make it larger, have the murderer and the MC have some sort of history...

Or, if you really want me to like you work, have Hakeem jump the way of the knife.. Unexpected, yet satisfying

Hakeem · 07-10-2006, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fantasy of You

if you really want me to like you work, have Hakeem jump the way of the knife.. Unexpected, yet satisfying

Oh WOW Atom! You work has just been offered the opportunity to be liked by no more than Charlotte Bronte! I'm so tremendously jealous!!!! Oh POOO!

Fantasy of You · 07-10-2006, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hakeem

Oh WOW Atom! You work has just been offered the opportunity to be liked by no more than Charlotte Bronte! I'm so tremendously jealous!!!! Oh POOO!

LOL. Your maturity amazes me

. I think it's time for a divorce.

Hakeem · 07-10-2006, 08:40 AM

Never Fantasy never... not until you decide to give me the country house, otherwise I'm taking the kids and then fleeing from the country to Europe and I'm not telling you where were going... how about that missy?!?

Fantasy of You · 07-10-2006, 10:20 AM

Lol, you're nothing without me Hakeem. Nothing! I made you who you are today. You need me baby