Knocks ( 1130 words) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Hakeem · 07-10-2006, 10:22 AM

Ya right! Well now I can be sure that you don't know about the other "wife" baby...

Vulgar` · 07-10-2006, 02:25 PM

^Get a room, lovebirds, this is Atom's short story thread if you hadn't noticed.

Fantasy of You · 07-10-2006, 03:24 PM

Exactly, so stop spamming vulgar

Atom · 07-10-2006, 04:50 PM

Wow i actually got excited when i saw 17 posts, but it was just you two talking to eachother lol....

When i first wrote the story i had the ending of the goth kid killing the main character, but it was too expected and boring so i tried to make a surprise ending. Some of you guys are saying that the suspence was really good up until the ending so i guess i should really make up another ending.

mwd · 07-10-2006, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

When i first wrote the story i had the ending of the goth kid killing the main character, but it was too expected and boring so i tried to make a surprise ending. Some of you guys are saying that the suspence was really good up until the ending so i guess i should really make up another ending.

I agree that the goth kid would be a little boring and expected. At the same time, if you want the teacher to kill the guy, I just think you should have developed it a little further, with clues earlier in the story. It wouldn't hurt to give her a better motive other than chalk either, LOL (Especially since he gave her some when she asked).

I'm hesitant to offer any suggestions for how to develop her further or give her motivation, since that would turn it into my story instead of yours. Just remember that ideally you want your reader to not expect the ending, but for them to have to his "Oh, of course!" feeling once they've read it. It should be obvious to them... but only after you've revealed it, haha.

You have some good places already to do this. The fact that she's next door explains the knocking perfectly, and does so without using any supernatural Goth kid powers. If you toss in a description of the woman's black shoes (hmm. 'toss in' is probably a bad thing to say. 'work in' might be better. if it has something to do with something else in the story, that helps. kind of tricky to do that with shoes though.), that's another clue.

If you give her a decent motivation beyond getting chalk as well, I figure that would be enough that me, as a reader, would admire your cleverness. It would be a surprise ending that I nevertheless should have expected, but didn't see coming.

(Not sure how much all this rambling helps you, LOL. Hopefully it did somewhat.)

cacafire · 07-10-2006, 05:49 PM

You do realize that you can have the closet open, only to reveal nothing? you could string it on for a quite some more while. Basically, have the guy get so paranoid that he ends up sneaking to the kids house and killing him in his sleep. Now THAT would be interesting. Kind of like the tell-tale heart, huh? Or maybe the Raven. God bless Edgar Allen Poe.

-Cacafire

Atom · 07-10-2006, 06:35 PM

MWD- thanks for the tip. Yeah it actually does help me out. I'd think it would take more then mentioning the black shoes tho for it to have that " oh of course!" feeling, and im thinking about something else.

Cacafire- good idea but i try to stay away from a story that people could say " oh u copied that idea from.." , still interesting idea

RachelA · 07-10-2006, 08:15 PM

Perhaps I have overanalysed it a little but I think all those elements I mentioned are there already in the story and it's nice to see MWD agrees with me about the ending

Hakeem · 07-11-2006, 02:39 AM

Hey Atom. I would liketo apologize for chatting on your thread. We (as in me and FOY, Mrs. Lucifer). We didn't mean too.

Sorry again Atom.

Fantasy of You · 07-11-2006, 08:20 AM

I disagree- I meant to with upmost purpose of destroying your writing career in its entirity.

No but actually Atom, I have a question that has nothing to do with your piece so I hope you don't mind. I do you create links to your work in your sig and give it a title.

And I agree with cacafire, that really would be a good ending lol. Either forshadow the murder or create many suspects.

Atom · 07-11-2006, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fantasy of You

I do you create links to your work in your sig and give it a title.

? How do I create links to my work and put it in my sig? Is that what your asking? Because you've already done it in your sig...