The Jakal

random story I just wrote in frees at school which dosent havea title and is probaly really bad though it does contain a good twist (well i thought it was good) anyway hope you enjoy it and any critiscm is good.

The Jakal

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'Get down' Sarjay called to the boy who'd completely ignored him the first
time, continuing to climb the dangerous looking tree 'if you fall your mother will kil........'

He never had time to finish the statement as the branch the boy was climbing on suddenly cracked and he had to dive to catch him before the ground did.

'See what I told you' he growled at the boy before a shriek split the air causing both to turn the heads in alarm. 'What the hell was that' Sarjay yelled before leaping to his feet and throwing himself in front of the boy. The boy rolled over revealing the cause to why Sarjay had dived so quickly in front of him.

The previously silent line of trees behind them had erupted with many wild animals streaming across the path followed by a tall blond girl sporting a large doubled bladed sword.

‘Get moving you two’ she yelled after spotting and changing her course towards them.

She was about to reach the two of them when the bush about six feet behind burst apart revealing the cause of her flight. A large black cat had thrown itself onto the path turning to bring the three of them in its sight.

‘Oh god’ Sarjay uttered, before drawing the glaive strapped to his back and standing beside the already exhausted girl.

The beast leapt at the girl to be greeted with the glaive slicing upwards and into its chest causing it to growl and withdraw, warily circling them to look for an opening before pouncing again this time catching the girl off guard and slashing its claws down across her arm causing her to call out in pain and stumble before regaining her composer and turning to face it.

The boy who had slowly crept away from this battle was viewing it all with a sense of horror. The creature attacking his carer and this girl had only that night been present in a dream. The last thing he had remembered from this dream was a splitting sense of pain as the beast fell on him and the same sense of dread had resurfaced now.

He shuddered at the thought and turned to see the fight going badly for his carer and the girl. They had been slowly forced back by the continuous attacks of the beast which was bleeding from at least four places but obviously still had the upper hand.

Then the worst thing happened, the girl tripped and fell over a tree root behind her landing with a crack. The beast took this opening and leapt forward, knocking Sarjay over and landing on the girl pinning her down. The boy cringed and turned away as there was a scream and a crack as the girl was finally killed.

Sarjay cursed loudly and rolled to his feet nearly retching at the sight of the girl lying with her ribcage ripped open. This was nearly the death of him but he broke himself away from the sight and brought his glaive up just in time to block the beasts attack. The death had caused Sarjay to enter a state of rage and he attacked without remorse forcing the beast back.

Sarjay sneered, the upper hand appearing to be in his favour and in his lust for the creatures death he brought the glaive down fiercer than before. The beast lunged as if expecting this revealing the rock he had been concealing. Sarjay saw it to late and didn’t have time to change the course of his glaive before it struck the rock shattering the handle and leaving him defensless.

Sarjay turned to see the beast sneering at him before pouncing. The force knocked Sarjay to the ground and the beast pinned him in place. The boy screamed and threw himself at the beast to be met by a swiping paw. The force of this sent him tumbling into a tree which was accompanied with a crack and a searing pain running through his arm, causing tears to from in his eyes before running down his cheeks.

As he tried to pick himself up he heard a yell and turned to see the beast close his jaw over the chest of his carer. Sarjay thrashed one last time before his body fell still and limp.

The boy screamed and turned to run before the creature dropped the body and charged at him. The fight was short and brutal and it wasn’t long before the beast had disappeared and reappeared with three cubs to feast on the kills.


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See I was getting bpred of good guys always winning so made a story where the bad guys won.

__________________
If at first you dont suceed....

Eat pie instead

Hakeem

Try to re-word this. You can use: The branch the boy was climbing suddenly craked...

People (or characters) don't usually state shock or fear, you can say that Sarjay yelled, screamed or gasped, but definitely not stated.

pouncing = Bouncing.

You can use at his place, because in place sounds a little bit off.

This is is called a run-on sentence, which means two or more sentences that have been joined together without a conjunction or the correct punctuation. Try to break this paragraph using linkers of any kind.

Other than that there are minor mistakes that you can figure out by just running your story on the word and everything will be set. If this is how you randomly write at frees, then you are at a good position, try writing the way you usually write (not in frees that is) and we'll see how you'll produce, which I bet is good...

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"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

Fantasy of You

Ok, I'm sorry that will be absolutely no help to your writing skill, because i don't have time to critique this fully now (i will later).. But you should be doing something else, rather than writing in your frees at school

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It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

Hakeem

I'm sorry was that directed at me?

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"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

The Jakal

Umm it was either this or play games which I would have been told off for if they found out (I'm pretty sure this is ok and writing definetly ain't gonna get me in trouble) as I had nothing to do (honestly which is a suprise)

Anyway harkeen thanks for your reply and critiscm I will rewrite the parts you have suggested espically the bit about the boy which after reading it I've realised that you are completely right.

The Jakal

__________________
If at first you dont suceed....

Eat pie instead

iamlikethiswithoutcoffee

Is this supposed to be a short story? All it seems to me is a bunch of characters (three if I recall correctly) being attacked and killed off one by one by some sort of wild cat. Possibly a part of a longer story.

The characters meant nothing to me, and I didn't really care that they died. In fact, I only know the name of one of them (Sarjay) and that the girl was tall and blonde. You should perhaps develop your characters more.

I also couldn't clearly picture the setting. Use more imagery.

I have to say it was fairly easy to read. I find it really hard to concentrate on the written work of others. I especially have trouble with some of the stories on the forum where all I can see on the page is a daunting mountain of words all clumped together.

Not so with your writing. The nice manageable paragraphs and the dialogue helped break up the peice.

That is my two cents. Do what you like with it.