Disclaimer:
Contains sarcastic humour and an abundance of offensive language. Reader's descretion is advised. XD... the following content contains 880 words
Author's Note:
Now, dudes, this an overexuageration of my life. My middle name is Chad, and in my mind I'm a complete ass. Characters are inspired by some of my local folks here.
Sarcastic Fish
I set my fingers on the home row, but for some reason there was an eerie disturbance causing me to have slight writer's block. I couldn't tell if it was my psycho mom or the fact that the t.v beside me was turned onto porn, so I just decided to screw it and I walked out of the room.
“Chad!” She screamed at me. “ Goddammit, come and eat!”
Ugh...
“Relax, women,” I said, jogging up my stairs. “ I'm pretty sure that the food isn't going to run away from me.”
“I don't know about that. I sure would; even if I was dead.” She cleverly stated. Clever runs through family... most of the time.
“That's only because I'm unfortunate enough to be your descendant, momsy.” Then I walked by her and approached my food.
I turned dismayed at my diner: Kraft Diner and wieners. “Whoa!” I broke out, “i hope you didn't break your fragile back feeding me.”
She smiled and gave me a cheerful look. “Who would I go through all that trouble to feed you?”
I shrugged and said, “Why did you go through all the trouble bringing me through labor?”
“I was drunk out of my head. You know, son, I know you're not a girl, but pretty close even so, but I regret one thing in my life time: not drinking more during my pregnancy.”
I nodded calmly. “There's something I have to tell you mommy.”
“Oh, what's that?”
“Burn.”
“I wish,” she said with a cheerful smile.
After the dinner time conversation I decided to skip writing and go to the CD store. Why? Because I just wanted to. When I arrived, which I eventually did, I noticed the biggest dip-shit in town, Blake Slattery (or Slapme), leaning against the counter to witness my arrival. It wad gunny how every time I saw him I wanted to take his two inch thick glasses and smash him and his white, freckly face in and strangle him with his braces. Just the sight of him I got this little visual. It's pretty cool, actually.
“Aah, if it isn't Chad to come and try retrieve his aspired job.”
You know, if he mentions that little thing again I am going to choke him with those braces. And it's not my aspired job, either, I just lost it to this twit a couple weeks ago. Something about disrespecting a customer...
“Hello, young man,” the old broad said to me while I was stacking CDs. “what would my grandson like for his upcoming birthday? He'd 16 now. Got any recommendations?”
So i turned around with a smile (like any kind person would). “Hmm... 16 ye' say? Well, how about something free: you jump out off a window and die. I'm sure he'd like that.”
... it was completely some bullshit.
“hey, dip-shit, try taking off your braces so I could at least dent your ugly face with your ten-inch glasses.” I smiled and walked away calmly.
“Ooh, it seems my young Chad has an anger problem.”
“No anger problem. Just a bad habit of getting fags to be attracted to me,” I said calmly walking away. Saying stuff calmly always makes me seem more disliked. It's cooler that way.
Well, then i browsed around in the 'punk' section and I noticed dip-shit staring at me continually. Pissed me off. “Hey, fagtron, why don't you help those kids pick out some Barny tunes or something. Something you're good at.”Then I mumbled, “piece of shit...” because he really is a piece of shit.
As I picked out my CDs, I walked up to the counter and slapped them in front of dip-shits face while he was carefully counting money. He was ignoring me in his numbers so I decided to help out... “Seven, ten 3, 14, 1057, 23...” until he lost track.
“Aah, more of this excuse for music,” the little shit snickered at me.
“You're mother said something related to that right? 'More of this excuse for a pussy' when you were born”
After that, I walked out and began my long journey home, two blocks from my friend's palace. Pretty funny town actually. Usually towns only have one hang out place and a grocery store, but this place has a grocery store, a hang out place and a CD store. Just a quick, funny thought. Oh, and a really annoying dip-shit geek.
The, amidst the interesting thoughts, I quick nudge jumped out at me (pretty damn stiff nudge at that, too). Some one touched me... the bastard! When I turned, all my words washed away as I saw the cutest girl my age behind me.
“Sorry... um-mm, did you drop this?” She handed me my MP3 player and I quickly snatched it.
“No, I didn't drop it. IPod suddenly came out with technology to make these things sprout wings and fly off my face... Sheesh.”
Of course, that was all I could think of saying to keep my reputation. I usually don't say the proper things, but I manage. She walked away with a nod, some what making me feel as if that's what she expected from me. I hope that's what she expected. But she's cute, too... did I mention?
~~~
part one out of four(five possibly).
