Sex, Lies, and Ignorance(300 words) - Writers Forum

snorrie · 07-03-2006, 07:58 PM

He everybody. Just a quick write. Still trying to perfect my craft. Any comments welcome. I also posted it in critique.

Going through the kitchen, Michael snatched the handkerchief off the table, continued through the dinning room, and up the stairs, where he expected to find Sandy, his wife, in bed with his best friend. The smell of cheap cologne sickened his stomach, so he tossed the handkerchief over the railing and loosened his tie, thinking of the lies and deceit—her long drives up the coast, overtime at the office, and midnight runs to the store for cigarettes.

After ten years of marriage, twelve-hour days at the law firm, and raising four step children, he thought she might have enough decency to get a hotel room, to make her infidelity less obvious. But this is the thanks he got.

He ran his fingers along the wall, knocking off pictures, digging his fingers into the wall paper. It would soon be over, the divorce taking half his possessions and a good chunk of his 401K as well.

Earlier that morning, he should have confronted her, but his stupidity was nothing compared to the trench of denial he had dug the day of their marriage. After all, she had been married to his best friend and hadn’t gotten over the relationship. On several occasions, she had told him so straight to his face.

Down the hall from the bedroom, he could hear their voices, the rustling in the sheets. He felt light-headed. He wasn’t sure he could confront them like this.

A high-pitched laugh renewed his anger. And suddenly he found the strength needed to end this charade. When he grabbed the doorknob, their last ten years together flashed through his mind, began to tumble away, and before he knew what was going on, he found himself standing in their room with twenty of their closest friends, all of them cheering and applauding their tenth wedding anniversary.

mwd · 07-03-2006, 10:08 PM

Hey snorrie,

I think this is a good skeleton, but it needs some more meat. I'd like to see more specific events and situations which led up to his paranoia ... that would make it easier to get into his character, and to understand his situation. As it is all the example seem to be very general. I'd like to see a specific instance of his wife going out to get cigarettes and him watching the clock, getting impatient, or whatever, instead of him just telling us that that's what's been happening.

It's not bad as it is, just I think this is a story idea that deserves more words (which would allow you to do less telling and more showing).

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

Going through the kitchen, Michael snatched the handkerchief off the table, continued through the dinning room, and up the stairs, where he expected to find Sandy, his wife, in bed with his best friend. [Seems overly verbose. Do we need to know that he went through the kitchen, through the dining room, or up the stairs?] The smell of cheap cologne sickened his stomach, so he tossed the handkerchief over the railing [So, why did he grab the handkerchief only to toss it over the railing? I'm not sure what purpose it served in this story.] and loosened his tie, thinking of the lies and deceit—her long drives up the coast, overtime at the office, and midnight runs to the store for cigarettes.

[...]

Down the hall from the bedroom, he could hear their voices, the rustling in the sheets. He felt light-headed. He wasn’t sure he could confront them like this. [This is telling of emotions. I think an example of how he felt unable to confront them would work better. He walked to the door, but paused with his hand above the doorknob? Or something else. Or maybe him imagining some bad situation happening when he walks in and confronts them.]

Hearing a high-pitched laugh renewed his anger [More telling of emotions. His hands were shaking, his blood pressure was rising, or whatever. I prefer examples of anger to just saying that a character is angry.]. And suddenly he found the strength needed to end this charade [Kind of cliche]. When he grabbed the doorknob, their last ten years together flashed through his mind, began to tumble away, and before he knew what was going on, he found himself standing in their room with twenty of their closest friends, all of them cheering and applauding their tenth wedding anniversary.

Taz · 07-03-2006, 10:20 PM

Well done I thought the ending was a good twist but you need more depth to your charecters and more events. congratulations.

snorrie · 07-03-2006, 11:34 PM

For all intents and purposes, as a fledgling writer, I feel the character development was good enough for the piece. I think a lot of beginning writers worry too much about creating a long involved piece when they don't know how to put together ideas and explain them coherently. The way I see it, a book is just a bunch of short pieces put together to form a long piece. I figure, once I can master a short piece, the longer more involved novels will be the next step and will be put together solidly, rather than a bunch of fragmented ideas which do not connect to make the picture whole. Just a thought. But thank you everyone for your input. I always keep all your suggestions in mind for my future work.

Chris Miller · 07-04-2006, 08:15 AM

I found the prose and character engaging. You have a fine ear and write efficiently. Flowery prose does not mask a lack of ideas. The way you introduce the backstory of their relationship shows finesse and skill. Personally, I enjoyed it right up to the last line, which struck me as one of those cheesy internet jokes I get emailed all the time. I think for this to work as short fiction, the reader would have to see both sides (you conceal too much information) and something more would have to come of this misunderstanding. There is the potential for some serious humor here. Maybe the man does something stupid in premature retaliation. Maybe in the course of the "celebration" a lot of interpersonal baggage starts to get opened. As is you completley abandon your intelligent exploration of this (and every) relationship for a cheap gag. I'd really like to see you make something deeper of it, throw another 2-4K words at it at least. Finish what you have begun so well. I wouldn't ask if I thought you didn't have the talent. But as I said, you are a fine writer.

snorrie · 07-04-2006, 01:08 PM

Thanks for the encouragement Chris. These are just practice pieces. I have a much larger project that needs editing. Six hundred pages to be exact. As soon as I feel I've refined my craft. I'll be working on that. I'm just working on getting my thoughts put out there clearly and getting my syntax straight. My writing was a mess before, but I'm starting to get a handle on it. One step at a time. I'm sure you'll be seeing my real work here in the near future. Thanks again.

aliceedelweiss · 07-04-2006, 07:20 PM

Very Cute, I really like the plot behind it and couldn't find any mistakes. Nice emotions you showed, the ending was a real surprise and I enjoyed it.

Quote:

I also posted it in critique.

I don't know if anyone else has told you, but double posting is against the rules. Find one place to put it, only.

Alice