mamadivine

***Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance.- MamaD***



The office reeked of misbrewed coffee and generic cigars. Everything in the office was dingy, dirty and ordinary. Except for one thing, a handwritten sign posted at sitting eye level on the wall behind the desk.


DOMINATE OR BE DOMINATED.

Mark sat in the metal framed chair, reading the sign, his butt beginning to hurt from the lack of cushion on the seat. He was waiting for his boss, Mr. Turnbill, who had been a football player in his younger and slimmer days. Framed pictures and news clipping of his former glory days cluttered the graying walls of the small office. It seemed ironic, almost poetic justice to Mark that this former football captain had graduated to calling plays for his team of port-a-john workers.

The door opened behind him. Mr. Turnbill went to his desk, not-so-faint traces of brandless cigar smoke followed him. He didn’t sit, just stood there with his enormous belly pushing out in three directions. "Benson." He eyed Mark, then glanced at the handwritten sign. "So, what did you decide?"

Mark cleared his throat. "Well," his prepared speech stalled. "I think, um—"

"Benson, it’s your call. I told you that." Turnbill kept his eyes on him. "Just make sure whatever you decide you’re able to live with it." The telephone rang. He snatched up the receiver. "Yeah." Finally, he sat, turning the wide expanse of his back away from Mark.

DOMINATE OR BE DOMINATED. Mark stared at the sign until the black lines blurred. The last time he made this choice, he was ten years old.

"Your mama," he said without thinking.

That was the last thing he said before kissing the blacktop. Tommy Hart hovered over him like a vulture, daring him to get up and begging him to say something else about his beloved mother.

Mark laid still with his eyes closed, his body in a contorted sprawl. The crowd buzzed around him, their chanting and cheers grew louder and more primal with each second. They weren’t satisfied, they wanted more.

"Get up," Tommy yelled.

The crowd fell silent.

When Mark didn’t move, Tommy kicked him in the side. Mark winced in pain. The crowd erupted in a chorus of cheers mixed with a few off key gasps, while a fiery pain burned through his side, threatening to engulf his entire body. He couldn’t get up now even if he wanted to.

Tommy circled Mark, his shadow moving around the interior of the fight circle like the second hand on a clock. "Come on, you sissy. Get up." He kicked Mark’s leg. "Say something else. Do something."

Mark had a choice to make. A choice, he knew would determine his future. Get up and become a man. Or stay down and remain a boy.

"Well, Benson?"

DOMINATE OR BE DOMINATED. The letters unblurred, resuming their individual lines and curves. Mark looked at Turnbill, his eyes falling to the yellow teeth reflecting back at him. "I think the issue is—"

"The issue is you screwing me over like this." Turnbill leaned forward. "After all I’ve done for you and your family."

"I’m not trying to screw you over—"

"You would have been better off screwing my wife. But this," the excess fat on his neck sloshed as he shook his head. "This is down right wrong. A slap in the face and a kick in the—"

"It’s nothing like that," Mark said quickly. "I appreciate what you’ve done for me. Really. You’ve been really good to me."

"I’ve been more than that. And I deserve better than this. I never expected you to do something like this to me. One of the other guys? Yeah. But you? Never saw it coming."

"Mr. Turnbill, don’t take this so personal. It’s not. Like I said, I appreciate all you did. If it wasn’t for you—"

"Right. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be mopping the floors at that fast food joint on Highway 59. Don’t forget that."

Mark lowered his head. "I haven’t. You gave me my first break when no one else would." His will and determination started to wane like always.
"No one would touch you. Except for me. I thought you had potential. Gave you a chance. And look at how you pay me back."

Mark released a long breath and raised his head. "You make it seem like I stole something from you. I didn’t. I’m building on the chance you gave me. That’s all."

"Why can’t you build on it here?"

Mark glanced at the paper sign behind Turnbill’s head for his answer. He had another choice to make. Be dominated and remain the boy on the blacktop. Or Dominate and finally be the man he was too scared to be all those years ago.

__________________
Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.
Lorraine Hansberry

snorrie

I like the way you've made the jock from the past a big fat slob in the present. I'm not sure where the dominated thing comes in, the sign. I get the feeling his boss may be the one who had him on the ground. Is there going to be more to this piece to explain? You also need to edit. The writing needs tightened. I do like the imagery you've painted. Keep it up. Good luck.

Novicewriter

From what i've read, you have the beginnings of a wonderful story. The way you describe the office is perfect I like it and want to know what that letter meant.

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Chris Miller

Well written. Only spotted one or two edits. Easy to get in to, wasn’t distracted by clunkly, self-conscious prose. The connection between his beating on the blacktop and whatever’s happening between him and his boss now is too loose and yet somehow contrived or forced. It’s also not clear how he finally handled the blacktop situation. I think maybe you’re concealing too much from the reader here. I would like to know more anyway. Maybe then the two scenes would line up better for me.

Mark laid still…
lay still (unless Mark is a chicken)

Or Dominate and finally be the man he was too scared to be all those years ago.
“scared” = afraid

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Hakeem

It's a very nice piece.. liked it very much.

The writing structure is very good, as well as the grammar. Try to fit more descriptions for Turnbill's face, and the office too.

Try to change un-blurred, because you used it the first time, besides it sounds like something technical. Try: The letters came back to focus. This backs up the fact the Mark hadn't been focusing on the surroundings, instead he was thinking about the past.

__________________
"The great art of life is the sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain." -Lord Byron

mamadivine

Thanks everyone for the input and suggestions.

MamaD

__________________
Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.
Lorraine Hansberry