A Heart of Gold - Writers Forum

nickmanning214 · 07-02-2006, 12:10 AM

At a beach in New Jersey death washed up on shore. The poor Native American girl named Helen seemed to be the only person on Earth who cared for the souls of deceased fish trapped in the deleterious pieces of liter. Every morning she would wake up and desperately try to save these defenseless animals, by freeing each fish from garbage and throwing the fish back into the water. Nobody understood why she cared, since she was barely making a difference. Nobody knew what to think of her, saving fish who would die in just weeks anyway, while only successfully rescuing about 1 in every 15 creatures. Nobody knew except one man.

He was the same age as Helen: 15 years old. Helen had seen him around in school but had never spoken to him before. She was far too timorous to talk to such a smart, handsome, accomplished young boy. He had a 98 GPA, was captain of his football and soccer team, and was president of GGWDD (Gays, Gangstas, and Whities against Drunk Driving). He was also admired by the ladies for his deep sensativity and love of poetry.

The boy, whose name was Peter, had been eyeing Helen as well, and when they ran into each other one morning at the beach, their lives took an emtional turn.

"Helen? Aren't you in my English class?"
"Yeah!" Helen replied, followed by a giggle and an obvious blush.
"What are you doing here?"
"I am freeing the fish from these horrible death traps." Helen then grabbed a fish and threw it into the water. "How about you?"
"I was writing poetry, but was distracted by certain paradox."
"Paradox? What is so paradoxical about the beach?"
"Well the ugliness of these dying fish does not match up with the beauty in you eyes." Helen looked away and giggled and blushed some more.

"Can I touch your boobs?" asked Peter.
"What?!" asked Helen in shock. She thought she had misheard him.
"You heard me! Can I touch your boobs! Please?" There was an awkward pause. They both stared each other in the eyes.
"...NO!" shouted Helen. "There are dying fish and that's what you want to talk about?! That is horrible! You are a horrible person!"
"I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna do it!"
"Ugh! You are gross."
"Cmon...please?"
"NO!"
"Cmon..."
"Oh my God! NO! Do you want me to call my father?!"
"What's the big freaking deal! They are boobs, not a million dollars!"
"My dignity is worth more than a million dollars!"
"But your boobs are worth at the most eleven."
"THAT IS INSULTING!"
"I MEANT ELEVEN EACH!!! NOT JUST ELEVEN!" Helen was in a quandary. Should she slap him, or knee him in the balls? "Please," continued Peter, "just a favor from you to me. No one will ever know. What is the big deal? Seriously answer that question for me."

It was then that it hit her. What was the big deal? Is his hands on her breasts going to kill any fish? Will it hurt anyone's feelings? Will any damage at all be done?
"All right FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD ALL RIGHT. You have five minutes." Onondaga Seneca Kyuka and Onida. She had no idea which one of those she was. All she did know was that her shirt was off and a random stranger was feeling her boobs.

Just then, all of the fish in the sea escaped from their jailcells of liter and swam free in the ocean. The sun shined through the clouds to produce a devine light which shimmered on the glistening water. The palm trees swayed beautifully in the light breeze. Everything fell into place. Peter was enjoying himself. Helen was like wtf. After four minutes ellapsed, Helen's boyfriend, Big Earl, lept from behind a bush.

"Hey what's going on here? Will I have to kick someone's ass?" He said in an angry but calm tone.
"Ugh...he wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't want to do this but he was starting to get on my nerves," Helen replied. It was clear that Helen was annoyed. She sounded like one of those snotty girls who say things in the hallway like "Can we go a little fasterrrrr?!" Peter had no idea any of this was going on because at this point he was using her boobs as human sleepingmasks and earmuffs.
"Helen...what the fuck! You always do this! Put your shirt on!"
"He only has about 23 seconds left anyway, Earl. Don't worry about it"
"PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! CMON! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!!"
"Give me a break..."
"HELEN!!!" He slapped her.
"Ow! What the hell! God!!!"
"Look. I'm sorry. Can you just put your shirt on."
"Time is...........up." Peter wiggled his head from her boobies which were each about the size of a human brain. Well, the left one was the size of a male brain and the right one was the size of a female brain.

"Uh...hi." Said Peter to Earl. Earl looked angry. Peter looked scared.
"Dude, I'm gonna fuckin' fuck you. Or...wait...you know what I mean."
"No, I don't actually. Wait...you mean beat me up?"
"Yeah En Guarde"

Earl crouched down and circled his fists in the air like a proposterous baffoon. Peter expelled some sort of martial arts screenchy asian sound from his mouth, and raised his arms and one leg in the air. They ran at each other and both fell to the ground. They layed there silently.

"Dude..." said Earl.
"Yeah," said Peter.
"Where is this story going?"
"Absolutely nowhere."
"Who wrote this thing anyway?"
"Nick Manning...he was up at 2:30 am writing this thing..and the sad part is, no one is going to read it and/or find it amusing in any way."
"You wanna go get a bite to eat?"
"Sure."

Just then the Earth blew up, but miraculously, 6.02 x 10^23 years later, the earthly particles reassembled themselved exactly the way they were so that the planet was the same way it was before the explosion. Billions of years later, Jesus Christ was born. In 1521 Martin Luther posted the 95 theses. The US constitution was later writen and George Bush declared war on Iraq. To continue this story, scroll up and start reading from the beginning.

underwood · 07-02-2006, 02:28 AM

Actually, I thought this was pretty funny until the end. The misdirection in the beginning had me thinking I was actually reading from a thirteen year-old kid's journal of pinings. It was the lively debate on the value of her boobies that really had me laughing. Then in the end all the components of the story decided to give up and go home. I assume you were pretty tired and just decided to screw it and go to bed.

mamadivine · 07-02-2006, 04:23 PM

The opening paragraph is intriguing. What followed threw me and I think took away from the opening.

MamaD

Keridwen · 07-05-2006, 12:52 PM

Hey, Nick.

I read this through once and decided I didn't really like it all that much, but a second, slower read through showed it to be a bit funny!

I think the best line has to be "Everything fell into place. Peter was enjoying himself. Helen was like wtf."

Only other advice I can give you (as you obviously did not intend for this to be a super structured piece to be critiqued mercilessly) is to watch your spelling!

An easy read.

Min Min Light · 07-05-2006, 07:08 PM

I don't know why I read this, but by the end I had to stop myself from laughing. The breaking of the fourth wall (I think that's what they call it when the characters realize they're in a book) and the apocalypse ruined it rather. I don't read much YA fiction and I'm also not sure about the amount of profanity allowed, but personally, I think you should tone it down. However, I think you have the right tone to pull off YA comedy. Throw together a couple of these sorts of offbeat characters, devise an absorbing plot (it should be more serious than the characters), and maybe you can be the next... I don't know who; I don't read YA fiction, I said. Louis Sachar, maybe?

Oddly enough, the opening reminded me of a short SF story I believe was called 'Saucer of Loneliness.' If you've read that story, you'll know that it has absolutely nothing in common with this work.

nickmanning214 · 07-06-2006, 01:46 PM

thanks for your comments...im glad you guys actually responded to such a rediculous story. yeah i admit i suck at spelling, i posted this after i fixed about 6 other spelling errors. the bad ending is due to me sick of writing (writting?). I was in bed when i thought of the idea, and I just quickly wrote it on my xanga. Thanks for the complements!

Fantasy of You · 07-06-2006, 03:59 PM

You are finally going to be given a correction the a word you have spelt wrong over 7 times in your posts...

OK.. You have your note book?
Pencil?
Prepare your mind
Ok.. here goes..
Wait, the guy in the back isn't ready. Yea you, are you done? OK.
COUGH COUGH

WRITING

nickmanning214 · 07-06-2006, 09:06 PM

lol...its at the top of the page and i still didnt know

RachelA · 07-06-2006, 11:20 PM

I reckon there's a lot of humour in you as a writer but I'm afraid the story just didn't seem to have a point at all. It's like you started with a sentence but didn't really know where you were going with it at all. However, saying that, I chuckled reading this. It makes a change from all the serious stuff.

nickmanning214 · 09-01-2008, 08:57 PM

That's exactly what I did RachelA (way to respond 26 months later, Nick)