EcanusVotum

Something I have been playing with, certainly a rough draft as you will see.


Scanning the horizon through the neglected glass she wondered if silver linings existed among the clear sky, and if the sun burnt field below was really its true reflection. The view from her cell window provided the only color amongst the world of perpetual white. The world that consumed her through the walls and surrounded her by lab coats on a daily basis at the asylum. And it was there, in those sparse moments of solitude when all observation ceased, that she was left to rule over the voices in her head that held court, as seventeen year old Jupiter Swanson, played the role of a beautiful princess in a fairy tail gone terribly awry.

"What kind of name is Jupiter anyhow" a voice questioned from behind her, snapping her out of her day dream as though a power failure had occurred in a theater during the most suspenseful part the movie. "Hell I would never gave that name to a dog let alone my own kid" the voice continued not waiting for any reply as though she was talking to herself. Jupiter stood facing the small window, and did not need to turn to know that the voice was that of Rita, the 5-foot portly nurse that presided over E wing. The cranky static voice had etched itself in her head quite strongly over the past two years. "5 minutes" the stubby nurse barked" Don’t be late again or cold eggs will be the least of your worries" As footsteps sounded her departure down the hall to the next room, Jupiter still stood motionless. Gazing out to the fields behind the hospital, sure she would never walk upon anything other than concrete ever again.


Her mother had chosen the name for her, derived out of a doped up haze and an unhealthy obsession of astrology. "Jupiter governs joy, luck and well being" she had told her once years ago. "Hold that name with pride girl, don’t ever let anyone demean it." Sitting at the breakfast table of the cafeteria she laughed silently at her mother’s description, thinking to herself that if that statement alone was not the strongest case that astrology was a load of crap, she did not know what was. The name had always gotten her quite a bit of teasing over her lifetime but at the same time she was grateful Pluto was not in rising on the day of her birth.

Staring down at the metal plate while trying to decipher which spoonful of slop was the eggs from that of cream of wheat, a soft whisper arrised from her left. "He’s coming today" the childlike voice proclaimed. It was Dorothy Taylor, a resident of the hospital who had lived the majority of her 20 years there. "Aren’t you excited" the pale faced read headed girl, who although strikingly beautifull was also strikingly mad at the same time clamored. Jupiter had sat next to her at the table quite to often to know that when dealing with Dorothy you first had to establish which one of her many personality the question was coming from. "Who?" she asked, hoping it wasn’t one that responded to any kind of questions with violent and physical response. A huge almost evil smile returned the question, easing the worry that Jupiter would not have a fork thrown at her head. "DR Dan" she announced, with an over romantic flare like a schoolgirl naming the crush that engrossed every waking moment of her life. "They say he’s coming for you" she followed, this time the smile quickly vanishing and replaced with a frown of disappointment. The name did not ring any bells, whoever he was why would he be coming for her? Why would anyone come for her for that matter? Without saying anything, Jupiter watched as Dorothy swirled around her portions of breakfast into two watery piles of something that resembled a lumpy mass of puss. And passed it off as one of Dorothy’s more delusional personality’s.

Standing in her room once more, Jupiter stood in front of the window, gazing out to a freedom that was a distant dream. The shrill voice of Nurse Ruth interrupted her once more followed this time by the voice of a stranger. Nurse Ruth entered the room with a tall young man around the age of 30. "This is it Dr." Ruth exclaimed holding out her hand to gesture the stranger in. "If you ask me its all a bunch of hogwash, I mean come on look where it’s coming from, these people see dragons and vampires on a daily basis, why would this story spark any interest?" " Ruth questioned him with a more sarcastic tone than usual. As if not hearing what she had said Dr. Dan carefully scanned the bare room stopping when his eyes fell upon the girl in front of the window. "And who might you be?" he asked, with a friendly tone that was foreign in the hospital. Quickly before he could receive an answer the nurse rushed past him and over to her, and while grabbing her forearm yelled, "what did I say? You had 5 minutes and your still standing here; you get right down to the cafeteria right now. Your lucky we have such a guest or I would deal with your behavior right now". The girl jolted and rushed out of the room with out making eye contact with the Dr. "If you want a juicy story for your talk show Dr. there is one right there, talk about out of this world" Ruth muttered, laughing at this statement while still glaring to where the girl had exited with a tortuous look. Suddenly the face of Dorothy appeared at the doorway. Her eyes, wide with excitement stared at the Dr. "umm Mr., I mean DR sir." She stuttered, completely flustered now, her red cheeks stark against the rest of her pale face. "Can I, I mean would you give me your autograph? I watch your show all the time its my favorite, all those creepy stories and mysteries," She held what looked like a crumpled napkin along with a single red crayon. "Your um you’re my favorite person in the world" Ruth motioned toward her but was stopped when Dr. Dan stretched his arm blocking her. "Its OK" he stated "I have to run to my car and get some equipment, maybe this young lady would like to escort me to the first floor". Without waiting for permission DR Dan left the room followed by Dorothy who wore a expression as if she would faint at any moment.

"I can’t believe it, a celebrity here, and right next to me wow" DR Dan smiled down at this remark from Dorothy as they headed down the hall. "So what do you know about the stories young lady? He asked her hoping to change subjects. "What stories?" Dorothy replied with honest curiosity. "The hauntings of course" he continued. "You know, the Jupiter’s window story, the hauntings, the murders?" Dorothy laughed at the question. "DR you don’t have to ask me, you were just in the same room with her, why didn’t you ask her yourself?" He stopped and looked at her again, not knowing what to make of the statement. He did not think long before the scream interrupted his train of thought. Quickly realizing that it came from the direction he just came from he rushed back to the room. Stepping inside he found it empty, however this time a faint breeze had hit his face unlike the last time. The window now stood open, and he was sure it had been closed before. Slowly he walked to it and looked out and down to the ground 6 stories below. There lying in stillness was a figure of a woman, wearing white. He turned quickly to get help and was met with little Dorothy Taylor once more. "This is your lucky day Dr.," She said enthusiastically. "Your actually here to witness this one, can I be on your show?"

Jupiter stared out the window once more, the chaos from the last few weeks had subsided, and she could now gaze once more without the constant chatter of news reporters. While starting to drift into the world she created, the noise of a television set made her glance toward the cot where the young girl resided in the room sat. The same girl that was chased by nurse Ruth wore a serene expression while holding a portable television set, as the voice of DR Dan echoed out the small speakers. "Today’s show, I go in depth to the strange suicide of Nurse Ruth Simmons and the strange circumstances surrounding the death of 17 year old Jupiter Swanson 56 years ago. You don’t want to miss this one folks, that’s up next on American Haunting's"

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"While thought exists, words are alive and literature becomes an escape, not from, but into living" Cyril Connolly.

mwd

Hey,

Interesting story. The premise has been done plenty of times before, of course, but it was a fun read.

Keep in mind that you should break paragraphs whenever a different character speaks. It makes it a lot easier to read. It also lets you get away with tagging your dialogue less often.

There are a lot of grammar/spelling errors I noticed while reading through, some of which I've marked below. I know you said it was a rough draft, so there are plenty of errors I didn't bother marking. I'm guessing you can take care of them with a proofread of your own. In the future, you should probably proofread before posting... some of this was annoying to read because of the lack of proper punctuation.

The main problem I had with this story is that you headhop, that is, you switch POV in the middle of a scene. We start the story in Jupiter's head, get through most of the story this way, and then she's staring out the window but we see Dr. Dan scanning the room. It's certainly possible to shift POV in the middle of a scene (I recall Pynchon doing it a lot), but when you're writing a short piece like this, I think it makes more sense to choose one POV and stick with it, especially since the ghost Jupiter is the main subject of the story, we should stay with her at all times. I suppose this is a different situation than most, since she's a ghost, so you wonder if she wouldn't have any problems seeing behind her... however, since you're treat her as if she was a girl for the entire rest of the story, I'd continue that way until the very end when the truth is revealed.

Anyways, hopefully this helps somewhat. Sorry if I sound critical, but the problems here should be pretty easy to fix with a little editing. It's a good story, it just needs a little more work.

underwood

I like the premise of the story, but I'd like to see it expanded just a bit. A bizarre piece like this could be much improved with some misdirection. The shifting points of view might each have a different reality connected with the room. It would leave the reader wondering what is real.
As it is now, it's a bit confusing. I can follow the general story line, but some of the finer points are escaping me.

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The Bee's Knees