Jaguar

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thamior

it was nice, a couple of parts might have been better worded, but they are so few that its really nit picking....good job I honestly enjoyed it.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Jaguar

Thank you thamior. Did you feel the ironic parts at the end? Such as the flower? And that the fox was actually an innocent child demon?

thamior

that the flower killed? I enjoyed them, I didnt catch the irony in full though you didd point to it now that I look back. L iked the general overall of the story, for a short one it was well put together.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Jaguar

Thanks!

Felix Mawson

I really liked this story. I felt that I could see it happening extremely well, like some awesome japanese ninja movie. The only problems I felt worth noting here were this sentence:
'“Now look who dies!” the demon shot back sarcastically while the master dropped onto the bridge, lifeless as can be."
and a few other spelling mistakes. The sentence doesn't make sense really; 'sarcastically' was a bad word to use I think. Liked it alot none-the-less.

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'Lighting up the sidewalk with my technicolour stride'

Sordello

Perhaps this is nit picking, but why the word "forging"? Does the moon really forge glimmer? It kind of leaves a bad ring in my ear.

Otherwise I liked it. I love your first sentence.

Jaguar

Thank you for your comments. I shall go over it and try to fix up some stuff.

Thanks,
Jaguar

Oasis Writer

Quote:

“This should be enough of them”, it said as it sat down on the fine pebbles.

Okay, simply grammar error. Flip those around (Unless you are in AU or Europe.) ,"

Quote:

It was only a small animal compared to some of the demons that lurked in these gloomy Japan forests.

This sentence was really wordy and reading it was just a jumble. Maybe try rewriting it a little to flow better.

Quote:

But, could the eyes be deceiving?

I'm not a fan of starting a sentence with but, and, or, or because.

Quote:

“It would be a wise choice for me to begin my pilgrimage across this river”, the fox said to itself, and it grabbed its basket and set off along the shoreline toward the bridge.

The quotation needs to be flipped ( ," ) and the red "and" needs to be changed because you have to "ands" in one sentence. Change it to "as" or change the sentence around completely.

Quote:

“Halt!” a voice echoed throughout the air, “drop the basket!”

Capitalize the d on drop.

Quote:

“Uh, no master, I’m afraid not”, he replied with a worried look in his eyes.

Flip those, ( ," )

Quote:

As those final words came out of the ninjas mouth, he slowly fell towards the ground on this stomach.

Should be ninja's.

Quote:

“You from the Dynasty”, the little figure whispered, “you are brainless…”

Flip those ( ," ) and cap the y on you.

Quote:

In Japan, the chrysanthemums are a symbol for death, and I, as a demon, know they sooth the soul in the afterlife.

This sentence was also wordy and a jumble. It needs a little formatting to read and flow correctly, even though it's speech.

Quote:

The flora left it’s hand and into the face of the master, where they sank into his skin.

Wrong its. It should be its. It's = It is.

Quote:

It was the small white fox that liked to pick the flora from the waters.

Overworded for what you were aiming for, just use: The small white fox

Quote:

“Oh well, the sun has made the flora change ways, and now the petals will not flow downstream (insert comma here)” the fox said sadly, “until tomorrow night, I shall bring these home to mother.

Comma, and cap the 'u' on Until.

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Venomtongue

Haha, I see we have people to help with the story itself and people to help with the letters and characters that make the story more than just a thought in Master Jaguar's head. Go teamwork!

Oasis Writer

I critique what I see. You should see me when I'm on coffee

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Jaguar

Haha, thanks for the critique. Geez, kinda long replying though (me I mean) haha, its been months since I looked at this piece.