snorrie

Hey people. I usually post on critque and advice. This time I thought I post a micro story, maybe get a fresh perspective on my writing. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Re edited

Michael sat up in bed and watched as a baseball ricocheted around the room. Fighting to get out of bed, he threw the covers back. When he scrambled to his feet, another ball whizzed through the window.

The second ball knocked over his bowling trophy, a piece he treasured, because it was the only thing he had ever won. His unthoughtful little brother came to mind. Snatching the ball off the bed, he bolted to the window, bare-chested, full of rage, and when he leaned out, a ball smacked him square on the nose. Blood gushed all over him. Michael fell back on the white carpet, and rolled over, dazed, smearing red everywhere.

Now his anger peaked. The little brat had gone too far. In a fit, he jumped to the window and, without thinking, chucked the ball. It was too late.

Nothing could stop the projectile. But he stood there reaching out the window, from the second story, as if he could magically draw the ball back, helpless, already regretful.

Suzie, his girlfriend next door, dropped the roses from one hand and a baseball from the other, stunned, at a loss for quick reaction. As the ball bounced off her chest, it caught her on the chin. Michael’s eyes widened in disbelief. Both hands came to his mouth, and before he turned away to dart downstairs, he heard her scream in agony, watching the red fluid pour down her chin, onto her white dress that he had given her yesterday.

His little brother ran from the scene, an innocent bystander, knowing his plan to catch Michael's attention for Suzie had failed.

It was a Valentines Day Michael would never forget.

Rob

Short and sweet, snorrie. There's a little fat can be trimmed, nothing too major though. The story itself is limited, but fine.

The last sentence doesn't add anything useful and could be cut, the story doesn't need it. The balls are coming through the window and there's no sign of glass flying around so the reader will assume it's open or you'd have mentioned otherwise.

About the only sensible way to sit up in bed is straight up, so you could drop straight.

You don't need to tell the reader that he's disgusted, you show that through his actions, throwing back the covers (could be reinforced further, perhaps, by having him jump out of bed, letting the actions indicate mood).

Similar opportunities here. For example, the first sentence:

The second ball knocked over his bowling trophy, a piece he treasured, because it was the only thing he had ever won.

could become:

The second ball knocked over his treasured bowling trophy, the only thing he'd ever won.

These are not major issues, but demonstrate opportunities to tighten the writing a little.

You can cut 'right away' too. And it sounds clumsy to say he proceeded to do something, you can just give the action instead, e.g.:

and proceeded to roll over,

becomes:

and rolled over,

And so on. All pretty minor, but worth looking for.

Thanks for posting.

Cheers,
Omni

snorrie

Cool Ominus. I've come a long way, but I know I still have some ground to cover. Thanks for the suggestions. I never disregard advice. It always comes in useful down the line, no matter how trivial. Thanks again.

Chris Miller

Hey snorrie,

I enjoyed the piece.

...caught like a deer in the headlights.
What headlights (strike "the")
More importantly, "Avoid cliches like the plague."

This seems like it may have been written for an earlier LM competition. The ending is a little contrived.

The second ball knocked over his bowling trophy, a piece he treasured, because it was the only thing he had ever won.
This was my favorite sentence. It shows action and nicely defines his character.

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snorrie

Yeah, I don't know why I wrote that part, like a deer caught in the headlights. Pretty cheezy. Oh well.

Chris Miller

Cliches are usually pretty apt. That is how they become cliches. We all latch onto them when we don't feel like thinking too hard. There are no easy sentences sometimes I think.

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Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Taz

Interesting concept and a very discriptive short piece. I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future keep it up.

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