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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 06-29-2006, 05:11 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: vagnhärad, sweden
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chutnik is on a distinguished road
Daybreak

well this is my first piece ever, I hope that it isn't too bad



Daybreak

A purple spot. A purple spot on the sleeping girl’s check was all that was left of the serum. It had been shipped from Terra Major in a carrier vessel. That great distance seemed now totally unimportant; the main thing was that it had done what it was made for, to cure the infection. Paul smiled to himself despite knowing in that every moment he spent here meant that another kid had to endure a moment more of the infection. Yet he couldn’t take his eyes of the little girl. She, who had howled in agony minutes before, now slept peacefully in the small sickbed. It was a miracle really; the serum had been a gift from the gods to the citizen of Terra VII. The carrier vessel had not been expected for another five month, but then it had appeared circling the moon Ida, it was sheer luck that a lonely surveillance post in the Flatiron Mountains discovered it. It was a matter of hours before a ship was launched and was docking with the carrier. What they then recorded was the reason for a lot of commotion and turmoil. It had all begun with the fact that the ships computer neither had sent out a contact message to any of the numerous spaceports on Terra VII nor made any tries to land on the planets surface. But the greatest cause of concern was the fact that the ships navigation and recording units were disabled, and showed no signs to have been activated at all. The crew also found several plain workmen’s tools among the serum cargo. Even trough the fact that all the serum packages were still sealed and the outrageous number of infection victims, the planetary government decided to examine the serum. The answers were all negative, but the government still didn’t release the serum to the public, the parents and the relatives of those infected rose, and literary forced their way to the serum storages located at the New World research centre in San Ferdina. It was really remarkable that it had been distributed so fast. Paul had feared that it would become a black-market item, available only to those rich or influential enough. To his great relief that had not happed. The suffering of the worlds children were to great to allow such greedy and selfish behaviour. After all the setbacks it all seemed to work out.

Paul let out a great sigh of relief before he returned to his task, somehow knowing that there must be something out there that must be looking after them.



all comments are appreciated
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Old 06-29-2006, 06:48 PM   #2
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Ice Tea Atonach is on a distinguished road
This was an interesting piece.

Although it was a good story; I found it was missing something... deeper. I dont know what but it just didn't feel the way it probably should've. Maybe it just needed more emotion. However it did seem to lack a climax.

Otherwise this was interesting. I liked the setting and the Sci-fi aspect.

The first paragraph needs to be turned into about three more. Teens and young adults can read it but no one else can because it's just to hard.

You should probably proof read this to. I picked out a few errors when I read through.

Anyway it was a nice piece and interesting to read. Sorry if it seems harsh but I've learnt alot from harsh comments on some of my old fanfics.
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Havent been able to log in for a while. Thats why I havent been active for ages.

I try to respond to everyone who posts in one of my story threads, PM me if you need, blackmail works too.

Latest Works: The Different Ones
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