my life as a teenager (Note: this story has nothing to do with me, its fiction!) - Writers Forum

writing4ever · 06-25-2006, 04:14 PM

Every body at the McGuire house were singing “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Abby, happy birthday to you!” It was Abby’s thirteenth birthday as you can see, and this is her story….

Today I am finally thirteen, being a teenager is so much fun! Although I’m only thirteen, dad still doesn’t approve of me hanging around with the opposite gender (boys), and that’s really unfair, because my dad told Cassie that she was allowed to hang out with the opposite gender when she was thirteen. Cassie happens to be my older sister, and she gets away with everything!

That’s not the only reason, there is more to complain about, but, hey, who am I to blame?! At least I got a fantastic present from my B.F.F. (Best friend forever), and that was a cell-a-phone, its way cooler then my laptop! Guess what, my father didn’t even make a fuss about that, and I hope he doesn’t in the near future!!!

As a teenager, I should probably stop calling my father “dad”, I mean common, it sounds so babyish, and lame. Hmm… what shall I call my father…? Oh, I know, I will call him by his first name. My classmate, Jordan Dally calls his parents by their first names, why shouldn’t I? Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t, because you know how mom feels about that, she’ll kill me (literally). Maybe I should just call my father “dad”, sure it does sound babyish and dumb … but, it’s better than calling him… Richard! It’s funny though!

Speaking about family, I almost forgot to include a list of my immediate family members (which I always do). Here is a list of my family members, please don’t mind the messy handwriting:

· Mom and Dad
· Adam
· Ryan
· Cassie
· Me
· Savannah
· Hilary
· Justin

Oops, I almost forgot about our pets, our family has two dogs, two hamsters, two rabbits, and something that’s not a pair, one cat.

Okay, enough with the family, now back to my presents and life as a teenager.

I got a lot of presents from my family and friends. Out of all my presents, I got a unique necklace, and awesome books and yes, a set of makeup (for only special occasions). I wish Adam and Ryan were here to celebrate my birthday, you might think that this is weird but, my birthday is not really fun without them around, ever since they left to go to college and university, nothing has been the same.

Its tough being a teen, I mean you have the advantages of it, and the disadvantages of being a teen. I’m not saying that I hate it, but I also don’t like it thatmuch either. I mean its okay I guess.

Being a teen is challenging, but it’s a lot of fun as well.

*****

A couple of days have passed since my birthday, and school is soon approaching to its end, then it will be summer break, then off to high school I go. I can’t wait until high school, because before Ryan and Adam left, they said that High school years are the best years of your life, and I think that it’s true.

I can’t wait until school is over; I’m going to have so much fun in the summer. I really don’t feel like going to summer camp, but dad said that if I do, then I can choose which camp I want to go to. Anyway, I really don’t care about that right now. What I do care about is my school exams which are coming up later in the week, and I am really nervous.

Cassie said that I shouldn’t be worried, and I should just relax and be calm. Mom told me stories about when she had to take her exams when she was in school. Dad said that I am a bright girl, and that I will do perfect on my exams. My friends and classmates told me that I am smart, and that the exams will be a piece of cake for me… yeah right!

I know the truth though, I am probably going to get a bad mark on my exams, and no high school will take me in. Or the alternative point is I will probably get at least an 89% on my exams (which is better then a big fat zero.) Instead of worrying about my mark, I should probably now study and go to sleep.

*****

Surprise, surprise, I got a 102% on my exams, and you should know what that means, I am going to the best high school in Los Angeles, and on top of that, my father decided to give me extra privileges, which are:

Hanging out with my friends more often
Watching my favourite television show (which I watch anyways)
Talking to the opposite gender!
Least, but not last, eating yummy junk food

Everybody at school were congratulating each other on their mark, and then something unusual happen to me, a guy came over to me and asked me to come and hangout with him and his sister Jessica, (she happens to be in my class). I was planning to hang out with Melissa, but I think she won’t mine me hanging out with Jesse (that’s the guy’s name) and his sister.

Guess I am lucky, it turns out that Melissa doesn’t mind, and she had plans anyways. Now I know that I can hang out with Jesse and Jessica, and dad probably won’t mind. Speaking about dad, here he is coming home from work.

“Dad” I said, “what Abby?” dad replied. “I wanted to know if I can hang out with friends, and if you and ma don’t mind.” Dad said that it depends who the “friend” is, so I kind of lied, and said that I wanted tot hang out with Melissa, and if I can be dropped off at the movie theatres. Dad said that it’s my responsibility to get my own way to the movies, and that meant taking the bus, or walking. I choose taking the bus. I left the house around noon, and took the bus. I did go to the movie theatres, only to see Jesse by himself. I asked where Jessica was, and Jesse said that Jessica was sick with the flu.

It was going to be just the two of us, dad is going to kill me, gulp. Jesse asked me if it was okay for him to be with me without Jessica, and I said that it was, as long as nothing bad happens. Jesse gave me a wink, and said that nothing between us is going to happen. What a relief.

Jesse asked me which movie I wanted to see, and I said that it didn’t matter, as long as it wasn’t a “baby” movie.

As we were walking into the movies, Jesse put his arm around my shoulders, and I stared at him for a minute or so. He stared back at me, and asked me if he was allowed to put his arm around me or not. I thought about it for a while, and I said sure.

Then all of the sudden, he grabbed me tightly, and I let go. Jesse again took me by the shoulders, and I told him very calmly to please let go of me. He did what I asked, thank goodness.

Without even realizing what was happening, I got dizzy, and feel to the ground…. I woke up in a hospital bed, and mom was lying on top of me. She got up, and looked at me. I asked her how she knew I was here, and how come I was here in the first place.

Mom started mumbling and I asked her to please speak clearly, because I couldn’t hear what she was trying to say in the first place.
Mom stopped mumbling, and told me what had happen. Remember when I said I was dizzy? Well, it turned out that I was having a seizure, and Jesse didn’t know, so he thought that I was unconscious, and started to do CPR on me, until the ambulance came. He didn’t know mom’s cell number, so he decided to call his mother. His mother got hold of mom, and mom got hold of the hospital. At the hospital people were doing all kinds of stuff on me while mom was in the room. Everything thing seemed okay.

I had to stay in the hospital for about three days, and during those three days, Jesse and Jessica came to visit me, Melissa came to cheer me up, and all my classmates came to see me. On the second night that I was in the hospital, I had two surprise visitors, guess who they were… if you guessed Ryan and Adam, you’re right! I was happy to see them all grown up.

A week passed since I was in the hospital, and everything was back to normal. School was over for the summer, and summer break was here, hallelujah!

I spent some of my time with Jesse (now with dad’s approval) Jesse is one of my “special” friends. I got a full scholarship to a fancy high school in Los Angeles, and dad is very happy about that.

It looks like being a teen is awesome like I thought it would be.

Three months passed by, and I am in high school, whoa! High school is so much fun. Guess who’s in my class? I will tell you. There’s Jesse, Jessica, Melissa, and all of my other classmates and friends. The only thing that I am complaining about is the uniform; it’s so dull and ugly.

The uniform colour is peach and grey. The skirt is grey, and the shirt is peachy colour. The boys have almost the same uniform, except that their shirt colour is blue, and their pants are grey.

High school is way better then middle school. There’s lots of stuff to do. Here are a couple of things that are happening here at RoyalAcademy (that’s the name of the high school.)

· There’s swimming club separate for boys and girls.
· There’s a dance every two months
· And lots more to come!

Jesse was walking by, and asked me if I wanted to go to the dance with him. I almost freaked out, and I said “really? You really want me to go to the dance with you?” Jesse gave me a hug and said “really”. I was so happy, that I didn’t even think for a sec, and kissed Jesse on the cheek. His cheek is so smooth.

Melissa was in the hallway by her locker and she was in tears. I asked her what the matter was. She said that Kevin (who happens to be in the same class as us), can’t go to the dance with Melissa, and Melissa is very disappointed.

I asked her why she was so disappointed in Kevin it wasn’t like the end of the world or anything like that. The reason why Melissa was disappointed about Kevin was because he was going out with a different girl.

I felt bad about Melissa and Kevin. Hey, it’s not like my fault, I mean I do feel bad, but at the same time, I am happy because I have a date!!!

At the dance, Jesse was a gentleman, and he was so sweet. Melissa was sitting by herself, so I went over to her, and sat down and we talked for a long time. Jesse came over, and he touched my shoulders, it was a good feeling.

We danced and sang. The dance was a huge success. I loved every moment of it.

When I got to the dorm, my laptop was buzzing, so I saw who was trying to talk to me on my messenger, and it happened to be dad and mom at the same time.

This was our discussion:

McGuire family: hi honey, how was your night?

Abby4ever: hi ma and dad. My night was awesome, Jesse was so sweet.

Abby4ever: RoyalAcademy has the best dances ever, and it’s the best school to. How are you and the rest of the kids?

McGuire family: This is Cassie, mom and Dad said that I can speak to you. I have break now, since our high school and yours have different breaks. The kids are fine, listen, I am signing off so, ma and dad said that they love you and that they miss you very much, so do the rest of the kids and I.

Abby4ever: I love you too. Thanks for talking to me and goodnight.

I signed off afterwards and went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up, and there was a knock at my door, I didn’t feel like getting up, but I told myself that it’s probably Melissa or someone else… like a teacher.

I asked who it was, and they answered “me”, and I say “me, who?” and then they said “somebody with a J in their name”, and than I said “Jesse?”, and they said “can I come in?” and I said “sure”, and I got a sweater on and opened the door.

Jesse was fully dressed and his hair brushed. I stood there in shock because here I was in a t-shirt with a pair of shorts. Jesse smiled and came over to me. I stood there for a second and asked Jesse to make him self comfy, while I go and change in the bathroom. Jesse asked if he can take a drink from my fridge, so I said okay.

Jesse didn’t put pressure on me, and he sat on my bed. I quickly got dress in the bathroom, and I told Jesse we better get to R.A. (RoyalAcademy) before we’re late. Jesse looked at me, and pointed to the clock, it was only 5:03 a.m. and school doesn’t start until 7:46, so we had plenty of time.

I sighed and decided to get back into bed. I woke up an hour later, and Jesse was right next to me and was rubbing my back, it felt so warm, and nice.

I told Jesse that we should start walking to campus, and he agreed with me.

We walked to R.A. and were the only ones there. Jesse and I went to a bench and sat there and talked about our lives, and what we wanted to do in the future.

Jesse’s life is so interesting compared to mine. His birthday is a day before mine, which is really cool.

We were almost finished talking, when more students came and the teachers started to arrive. My quality time with Jesse was going to finish after school in my dorm room.

School started and everyone was sitting in their seats, and the teacher came in the room and the teacher began his lesson…..

Brring! The bell rang and that meant that school is over for the day. I hurried to my dorm room, and found Jesse packing my stuff. I asked why he was doing that, and he said because since its March, we have March break, and we are going home together.

We made it home. Everything was how it was before I left to go to R.A. there was only one difference though, and that was Ryan and Adam being here, to reunite our immediate family……..

SIX YEARS LATER…

Once again the McGuire family gathered around and sang “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Abby, happy birthday to you”.

Abby’s friends and family were all there and a special visitor came, and that was Jesse. Abby was now nineteen years old, and she and Jesse decided to get married and have a family, that story is for a different time!

Not Goldfield Worthy · 06-26-2006, 07:08 AM

I think this post may accurately convey a 13 year old girl's journal. Unfortunately, there isn't too much interesting about it. I did enjoy hearing about the strict father and then learning his name was "Richard". That was definetly clever. If you could throw more satire like that in this story then it would be worth a read. It seems like you put alot of work into this, and I read most of the story, but there needs to be more to it. At least, that's my opinion.

Scarecrow · 06-26-2006, 07:21 AM

That was... terribly dull. I could get the same stuff from reading myspace.com or my sister's MSN blog.

writing4ever · 06-26-2006, 11:12 AM

ok. thanks for your opinions. anyone else???

Flexbile Garphite · 06-26-2006, 02:40 PM

Unfortunately I will have to agree with the other critisms. I thought it started out ok, but I didn't really like the preamble of the first paragraph... and as the other people said, there was no conflict in the story to make it interesting. It was just a journal about a 13-year-old over-acheiving female, and being 22, male, and only moderately-acheiving, I didn't really identify with the character. And Jesse seemed like a creep! Oh yeah, and you kept switching between present tense to past tense. I'd recommend using past tense throughout the whole thing.

Sorry for being harsh. Maybe I'm just not the right audience.

writing4ever · 06-26-2006, 03:14 PM

sorry to disappoint you people. some of my friends said it was a good story. i guess that critzism is natural on the internet... LOL.

Chris Miller · 06-26-2006, 03:38 PM

We stand corrected.

Mungye · 06-26-2006, 04:09 PM

Well,
I have a somewhat different take on your story.
I thought it was just like the others said, more of a diary. But there is nothing wrong with that-look at the Princess Diaries and the Diary of a Shopaholic.
What you need to consider is, even if you are writing in this style you need to have some thrills and spills and unexpected things in it.
I agree that calling your father Richard was interesting and I did get nervous whenever Jesse showed up.
But for any story you have to have a twist, an antogonist or at least some sort of evil if I may to overcome. Think to the Princess Diaries. The heroine had:
never been kissed
had problems speaking publically
was not in the'cool' group and
had a secret admirer while she admired
a rich jerk at the same time.
The turn around came when she found out thru her fraternal grandmama
that she was a royal. The jerks come out of the woodwork to grab what five minutes of fame they can and the good guys get rather left out of her life for a while.
See, if you keep basically what you have written which I note has a sweet perky sort of "Gidget goes to the beach" or whatever those sixties movies were about with that character, that is sweet, so then just add the other stuff and go for it.
Don't stop writing, you have such joy and enthusiasm and you can only go up from there!

Doibhilin · 06-26-2006, 04:14 PM

I'm guessing that you are 13, or around that age. If so, it's not that bad. But I don't think it can really be critiqued, there's too much wrong with it.

Let me give you a general tip: Show, don't tell.

Quote:

Jesse and I went to a bench and sat there and talked about our lives, and what we wanted to do in the future.

Jesse’s life is so interesting compared to mine. His birthday is a day before mine, which is really cool.

These sentences are boring. You're giving us a bland summary instead of showing us what is happening. Don't say "we talked about our lives." Talk about your lives! Don't tell us that "Jesse is interesting" -- show us why Jesse is interesting!

That will make your writing much more interesting and exciting to read.

Mungye · 06-26-2006, 05:39 PM

I agree, except if she is writing a diary like story, then that would not work.Diaries are often very slipshod, because you don't expect an audience to be peeking over your shoulder. So perhaps she could combine the 'entries' with real life just doing it not explaining it as you suggested. I don't know.

writing4ever · 06-26-2006, 05:41 PM

thanks for the advice. its really improving my writing techniques. the next time i write a story, i will use your advice.

Chris Miller · 06-26-2006, 10:13 PM

Sorry for my snide comment. Mungve is right. You are very good for your age. No one seems to have taken that into account.

Scarecrow · 06-27-2006, 04:14 AM

The biggest problem is just conflict... there is none.

There is not a single itneresting sotry in the world lacking conflict. Your story seems to be more like your fantasy life than an actual representation of a real life.

Make it more like real life - things go wrong, relationships don't work. Occasionally awful things like rape or death happen. Everything shouldn't just be happy all the time, because life isn't like that.

Of course you have every right to make things happy some or even most of the time, and to have a happy ending, but if everything is happy the whole way through - no obstacles to overcome, no problems to face - then it's just tedious and dull.

Not Goldfield Worthy · 06-27-2006, 06:28 AM

I'm going to take a stand and say "no" to the automatic conflict. By emulating a 13 year old's journal you have opened up into a world that is ripe for satire. Like I previously stated, hearing about the angry dad and then finding out his name is, "Richard," was very clever. If you can work some of these into your boring stories, then they'd be worth telling.

Also, I don't believe in age determining whether or not something is quality. It is, or it isn't. I'm sure you can have quality work, and this shows you know how to do certain things, so run with it. Don't stop writing, continue, try to add things. Things WILL improve. It's only when you've written something critically acclaimed that you become derailed.

writing4ever · 06-27-2006, 10:32 AM

okay. you people seem too upset, on the account of my story. in the future, i will write something that will hopefully put you into a better mood.