Arin

You have to the potential to make this a fun and perhaps effective story, but you do need to improve upon some things.

I completely agree with the lack of conflict being especially detrimental --- the world you have created is rather happy-go-lucky. I mean, yes, Abby had a seizure, but that conflict was cleared up rather rapidly. There was no emotional distress afterwards, no contemplation of what it's like to be ill in the hospital. You just ended with "things were back to normal." It's not that simple. Add for conflict.

And I guess this is close to what a 13-year-old's life would be like, but it seems like a somewhat sheltered one. I don't know about other people, but by the time was thirteen things like drugs, parties, less-than-chaste relationships, etc. were already happening and a part of my peers' life. I may not have participated, nor been especially comfortable with it, but I was definitely aware and did talk about it and deal with it. Bright and happy school and social lives are not realistic.

So...yeah. Take these things into account, work on it.

__________________
O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!

writing4ever

thank-you arin. ok, can we go back to comments, and get rid of the critizsm, cuz its driving me crazy.

__________________
Writing is so much fun,
writing is for everyone.
writing is such a galore
i have so much wrting in store ....

think for a minute, and you will see, writing is so much fun as can be!

forever a writer i shall be...
~writing4ever~

rbradley_80

I stopped reading after the first paragraph because I was bored with the Happy Birthday Song.

__________________
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way." ~Mark Twain
"Correct English is the slang of prigs who write history and essays." ~George Eliot, Middlemarch, 1872

cacafire

Sorry, but I stopped at: "still disaproves of me hanging out with the opposite gender(boys)"

*cringe*

-Cacafire

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Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

Arin

Comments are criticism. Criticism doesn't have to have a negative meaning. Criticism just means comments about the strengths and weaknesses of your writing so you can improve it. No one's attacking you, we're just pointing out things that can be fixed.

__________________
O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!

writing4ever

o0ok. fine. sure. gotcha. LOL

__________________
Writing is so much fun,
writing is for everyone.
writing is such a galore
i have so much wrting in store ....

think for a minute, and you will see, writing is so much fun as can be!

forever a writer i shall be...
~writing4ever~