Hello, all. I normally post in the Critique and Advice forum, but I've been in a little of a rut lately. As a result, this isn't really a formal, planned story. It's more like a bunch of nonsensical bullshit that I wrote to try and get me out of my rut. So far, it doesn't seem to be working.
Anyway's, If you want to comment, comment. And It goes without saying that I'll leave comments, or critique if you want, on everyone who posts a comment. Heck, maybe even a few extra, too! lol.
:begin:
Jack walked along the ridge, flailing happily in his newfound chest hair. As he looked up, he could see all of alba. Thousands of tiny shacks, flimsy as matchstick houses, populated the dense woodland area below, while the glorious sun floated above the horizon, mocking him. Scowling, Jack pulled out the gilded sword from it's wooden sheath. "Damn sun." He growled, "You hear me?!" A flurry of cursing flew out of his mouth, and into the heavens, where it was never to return. In fact, so great was Jack's virtual temper, that he abruptly kneeled down and stabbed the great mother earth. Oh-ho! She did not like that, as suddenly, piping hot steam blew a small hole in the mountain. It burned, swarming out of it's cozy little hole and around his body.
"Aaah!" Jack blasted off sideways, thinking only of how to escape the ravaging heat of the steam, only to remember that he was forty miles up on a mountain ledge no bigger than the width of a palm tree.
Instantly, he plummeted down the mountainside, and rolled straight into all kinds of foliage. He couldn't stop himself, and nicks and scratches heaped up upon his skin. Finally, he let out one harrowing scream: "Curse you, suuuuuuunnnnnnnn!!!!!!" His incessant bellyaching towards the sun helped him very little, however, as the next thing he knew, a pine tree slammed itself straight into his fragile little head. It's safe to say, that he couldn't remember what happened after that.
Jack awoke with a start, gazing into an inky blackness, or at least what looked like one. Yet, at the very center of his vision, was a hallow, seemingly benign light. Was it god? No, it was the opening of a Burmese tiger trap. Jack groaned and placed his hand on his forehead, then, as he tried to lift himself off of the ground, he couldn't. Something was keeping him from rolling over too. So, Jack picked up his head to see what it was, and oh, lordy: "Wow, there's a wooden pike going through my chest. Jack placed his hand near his chest, feeling the blood gush through with each heartbeat. Suddenly, the enormity of what had happened slapped Jack in the face and turned his nether-regions to ice. "HOLY SHIT! I have to get out of here!"
"Want me to help?" Squeaked a tiny voice. Jack whipped his head around, eager for the source of the voice. A furry black...thing jiggled over from the edge of the tiger trap. It was a fat little critter, especially for it's small size, but it managed to make it to Jacks bewildered head. putting small, chipmunk sized paws between Jack's lips it hoisted them open.
"Mmmhm?!" Jack shut his mouth, but the little critter hoisted them open with phenomenal strength. Upon inspecting the hallow cavity that was Jack's mouth, the critter let him close it, and rubbed it's beady little hands together.
"Oh, yes, you'll do quite nicely. With chompers like these, you'll easily crush me to a pulp. The critter prepared to enter, but,
"Wait, you stupid critter!" The critter froze.
"Wait? Oh dear, for what am I waiting for? A prize? I do hope I get it before you die..."
Jack stared strangely at this piece of work, until the meaning of the sentence clicked in his brain. At this point, his mother would have taken back everything about him not being very smart.
"I don't want to eat you!" Jack snarled, and shut his jaw tighter than glad tupperware.
"What? You don't want the healing powers granted to you by ingesting a furry little... whatever I am? Jack went slack jawed, which is awfully hard to do, especially in a dark hole when your jaw is practically wired shut by the cervical cords of your brain.
"Ummm..." Jack began, "Couldn't you just bite through the pike?"Jack asked, noting the sharp teeth on the critter itself. The critter slowly swung it's head around, and then slowly waddled it's way painfully to the top of Jack's chest when he didn't see it. Finally, after a long period of pontificating, the critter turned back to jack's head.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather just eat me?" the critter inquired, to which jack gave an excruciatingly long sigh.
"yes." He slowly enunciated, taking his time on this particularly troublesome word from the English language. The critter took a step back, aghast at the word uttered by this obviously filthy, rude little boy with no manners!
"Fine, I shall free you, which I was going to do for free. But you've just forced my hand, mister!" The critter pulled a small plant out of the pouch in it's fat little belly. "Here, eat this!" The critter demanded, and Jack graciously chomped down. "That could've been me..." the critter grumbled, but oh well. He quickly began chewing on the pike, and was just about finished, deep into the flesh of Jack, when he started to drink jack's blood. It must have been tasty, as it was dark brown and really sticky.
"Hey, stop that, you filthy animal!"
"Yes sir!" the critter happily obliged, and jumped out of the bowels of Jack's chest.
"all done! Now then... for your punishment..." the critter rubbed his fat little hands together, emitting a course, jovial laugh, "HAHAHAHAHHHHHHAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAH-" Jack accidentally stepped on the critter, producing a black smudge on the black dirt.
"Oops... sorry 'bout that." Jack picked his boot back up and looked at it. "Aw, man! He stained it! The little bastard." With that, Jack picked up the now useless pike laying on the dirt, and proceeded to pick the chunks of brain and flesh out of the grooves of his boot. "Ah... there we go!"
Jack stuck the pike back in the ground and giggled. "That ought to teach the next guy who falls in here..." Then, he wrapped a root around his hands and attempted to climb up the walls. Suddenly, the root slipped, and Jack must've shitted three times, knowing exactly where he was going back to. Luckily, the mighty ducks were there at the edge of the Burmese tiger pit, and quickly lent a hand. The team easily pulled his fat ass out. Finally, Jack stood upon the loose dirt, excited but cold at the rink. "Damn. I should've brought a jacket." Then he smiled, because he had challenged the sun and won! "I challenged the sun and won!" He screamed. Unfortunately, the loose dirt at the edge of the ice gave way, and Jack plummeted straight down ten feet. Duckie took a look down there, and quickly pulled away.
"Ugh... the pike went through his head." Then the whole team laughed, and continued to play Ice hockey around the Burmese Tiger Pit. There were three casualties.
:end:
Yeah...*sigh* Hope you enjoyed it. [-o<
Jack Black the Hack
