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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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Ciggarette Manifesto
I made it for a comedy audition, which is why it's in a verbal form.
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I found god ...once... and let me tell you about it... so the other day It was around 3 in the mourning I was out of nicotine, I wasn't going to a gas station at three in the mourning because, I thought it would just make me look like I'm an addict or something right, yall know that feeling... and I'm sure all of the nicotine fiends know the feeling when there is that one half way done cigarette in the ash tray screaming, "smoke me man, just do it!" but you don't wanna do it because it will make you look like, like an addict or something man, right? So I say to it, "nooo! You are an evil... you little stick of cancer... you evil... thing!" so then I pick it up right... I grab my lighter and you know I'm about to light it when I see my old pack laying there right... I go to pick it up... shake it and don't feel anything rattling around but, I still open it; you just can't beat that smoker's hope that there's something in there, damnit there just always has to be something in there with us. You always know theres not though but that hope man... I'm telling you! Well I continue to open the pack and... there wasn't anything in there, and god, that sight of an empty cigarette pack just pisses you off! It's like you just got stabbed by the cigarette company and you just say, "Fuuuuuck! I have to give those ass holes more moooneeeey! What the hell will I tell my girl friend when I can't buy those expensive condoms with the french tickler.. thingsss.. tomorow!!!!"
So being desperate I just... dropped the girlfriend being mad idea; looked at that half way done cigarette who I swear was smiling at me; laughing even! I reached to grab it off the counter, and it smiles, tears are starting to come out of my eyes, and it smiles, I'm sweating, and it smiles, and my nic-ache was beating the hell out of my head, and it laughs; and then... it happened, it was like a fairy tale man. As I was reaching for the smiling cigarette begging to be finished I knocked over an older pack and there it was, a FULL menthol cigarette that levitated off the ground into my mouth! I jumped ten feet in the air and screamed, "There is a god and he gave me a menthoooool! Yaaaah! Go god you are the maaaaaan!... Yah... God!... Woooo"
I lit that damn cigarette and ran to my neibors, it's 3:30 in the mourning... so John runs to the door with his night gown on... he says, "What do you want James! If the computer told you, you won a nother trip to Disney I'm pissed off man." I was like, "No, man! I found a MENTHOL, a full fucking menthol and you know who gave it to me man!?" John grew one of those weird smiles you know, like the one that fat guy had on Full Metal Jacket man. He said, "No, whoo - gave - you - thhhhaa menthhhhall!" I looked at him for a second like wow John is flippin out man. I totally knew though that what I was about to say would make him happy,
"I found JESUS!... jesus john... jesus! and he gave me this menthol man... He gave it to me! He said hey man here's a menthol duuuuude. I was like yo jesus says dude, I was like Jesus I knew you were a hippy maaaan." At that point my cigarette went out and I stopped yelling and thought there's no god! He would have given me a pack of fucking menthols. I decided not to tell John that though, he looked kind of paralyzed... of happyness I think, I knew he'd be happy I found Jesus. I knew it! To bad I didn't huh? The weird thing is though I don't think I made him happy enough, the man killed himself that night... his suicide letter said, "James, found Jesus" so I'm thinking that was his last happy thought before he died man... I felt... like... special! Damn if I didn't find that cigarette he probaly would have wrote fuck my wive or something...
The funny thing is after telling my friends this story they said he man, you should be a comedian and I was like yaaah definantly. I could pull that off, man.
The next day I was at my friend Josh's and I said, "I am going to be a comedian!" Josh was like, "Dude you are always going to be fucking something. One day you are in a band, one day you are writer crap... person, and the next you are a fucking techno star. Guess what you are a looossseeer, like me; crawling on the ground looking for my pot. I know you are not an addict like me but, I'd appreciate it if you let me find my pot in peace" I was like yah man he should find his pot in peace you know. So a second went by and I said, " I found god the other day man, he gave me a menthol but I lost god when the menthol burnt out, I don't know were he went I just stopped believing in him and John, he killed himself that night man." Josh wasn't really listening, he was busy with his "weeeed". Like it's anything compared to the addiction of nicotine and caffiene.
Ten minuted went by Josh was looking under the dresser and hit his head nearly knocking the damn thing over. When he got out from under there he was holding a dime bag in his hand and he said, " There's a god and he gave me pot! Yaaaah! I knew jesus smoked up, that damn hippy."
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punctuations off I know. Like? Not like?
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