biglex

This is the first piece of writing I've composed which hasn't been school related so it WILL show. Any critique would be greatly appreciated. The harsher the better. Thanks!

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The incessant beeping makes my head throb harder though I pretend I’m asleep and wait for my roommate to turn the alarm off. I make out that it’s ten AM and I remember leaving his house three hours earlier; I can’t remember much else. There’s blood on my shirt and I hope it’s mine… or not. I can’t think. F***! I’m not going to school today.

Tony, my roomie wakes me up at around five and tells me, “Get your f***in’ shit together you bum!” My nostrils are still burning and the mirror’s reflection details all the events of last night. I spend what seems like an hour under a heavy shower in an attempt to gather my senses and clear my nose of the clustered colony of dry blood. It’s Friday night and I’m expecting much of the same, though I’m not complaining.

Aside from the bickering which I scarcely tolerate and disguise as consideration to restrain myself from losing my cool, Tony’s a decent guy. There’s a party on the hill tonight, and because the others seem sceptical, I close Tony’s book and tell him, “It’s Friday man, enjoy yourself. Just wake up a little early tomorrow if you want to read.” He calls me a jerk and warns, “Finals are coming. If you fail you’re out, you know that right?” Sure enough, four hours later he’s hugging me and polluting my inhaling vicinity with lethal bourbon breath. Some guy I don’t recognise begins conversation and I’m too drunk to excuse myself so I stand there and periodically blurt ‘Yeah..’ and ‘Sure..’ As time passes I form the reasonable assumption that he’s either a dealer or gay, so I follow him to a secluded area as either possibility interests me. Finally, he holds out a sachet of four pills. My father’s money is relayed to the stranger and I ferociously shove three of them into my mouth as he disappears back into the dark sea of desperate folk. A gulp of beer assists the digestive process. I feel nothing as time keeps passing and I’m wishing the annoying stranger would come back so I don’t feel like such a f***ing loser. I catch a glimpse of a surprisingly eccentric Tony by the keg, and while he’s hesitant at first offering drunken stories of a virtuous lifetime of resistance to drugs, I struggle little to persuade him into accepting the remaining pill and adopting my lifestyle, if just for a night, if just to provide me with some security and assurance that this is all part of college life. Whatever that prick sold me isn’t working but I’m too drunk to care.

The alarm’s beeping is rebounding from the walls of my skull and I wish I was dead, though I wait for the reliable Tony to put an end to the chaos. Bastard. I gather enough motivation to pick myself up and I vent my anger on the ‘stop’ button with the might of my fist. Frustration is then focused on Tony’s head with a friendly slap; adequate punishment for setting the alarm on a Saturday. He doesn’t react. I hit him harder. F***.

Chris Miller

So I assume Tony's dead, which comes kind of out of nowhere. Or did I miss a clue? Some good writing. Interesting narrator character.

The language strikes me strained, or unnatural or overwrought at times:

E.g.
"Aside from the bickering which I scarcely tolerate and disguise as consideration to restrain myself from losing my cool,..."

E.g.
"Sure enough, four hours later he’s hugging me and polluting my inhaling vicinity with lethal bourbon breath."

Btw, if you mean "fuck" just write "fuck" imo.

The opening paragraph almost lost me, striking me as both dull and shrill. It, like so many (including most of mine) could almost be deleted.

I like a story that appears to have been edited well. Maybe use fewer adverbs.

The most interesting and character developing excerpt, but that could be integrated better.

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Ice Tea Atonach

I agree with Chris Miller. Although it was interesting I didn't find it as entertaining as some other works.

I found the story somewhat confusing but if you spread it out alittle it would probably remove the confusion.

I found this useless because you dont elaborate on it. I immediately thought this line would make up part of the plot but really it is just like an extra line on a drawing.

However I found this story hooked me and made me read right through which is definately a good thing. I think a bit of editing will really help this piece.

Anyway, interesting story.

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Latest Works: The Different Ones

biglex

Thanks for the advise guys. i agree with all that's been said. Im not going to bother editing it, but Ill take what's been said into mind when I write my next piece. Cheers.

Brandon K.

I felt that this piece was very realistic and believable. You had me wondering for a while there if this was a true story. I kept reading the whole way through, curious to see how it ended. Intensely written and eye-opening, anyone can relate to the untamed qualities of the main character. However, the ending kind of confused me a bit about what happened to Tony. It feels like a cliff-hanger. Good stuff.