Saunderville - short 525 words - horror - Writers Forum

Crazy_dude6662 · 06-18-2006, 07:50 PM

Saunderville:

I gasped as I ran down the darkened alley. Sewage coated the ground, my nostrils burned as I inhaled the ghastly stench. I couldn’t hear anyone behind me. I found a clean area and sank to the ground. I wiped away the sweat that coated my forehead; I should really explain how this happened.

I had just moved to Saunderville, it was perfect. As I drove down the perfectly manicured streets I smiled, I was in paradise, the people smiled and waved as I passed, the smell of sizzling meat filled the air as I past a barbeque, a glorious sunset completed the picture.

I walked into my house, the bushes and grass were perfectly tended. I collapsed on the couch thankful the house was furnished. I was exhausted after the day I had. I was introduced to everyone I walked passed, truly this was the friendliest town in the world, and yet, it wasn’t on any map.

I got suspicious after a week, everyone was perfect…to perfect, all the damn me. No one frowned or cried, not even the children.
I researched the town on the internet. All I could find were disturbing pictures of demons and tales of madness. I finally found a map, on a wood carving from the 1500’s; I decided to investigate all the warnings to avoid Saunderville. I was about to close the browser when I saw something that made me sick with fear, on the wood carving was a picture of the current mayor.

I was going to John’s house, as he was also new and I though he could maybe help me investigate all the terrifying claims.
A red glow was coming from his window; I moved closes to get a better look.
I looked into the window; inside John was tied to a table, with a host of unholy creatures surrounding him, cackling while drinking his blood.
I turned and threw up; vomit cascaded from my mouth in a horrific waterfall.

I looked up and screamed, the creatures were standing around me, I ran. The town started to dissolve around me, everything twisting, turning and buckling. They transformed into hellish versions of the previous glory. A red film descended over my eyes, cars rusted, windows cracked and large crevasses appeared in the streets. Giant flames jumped from the holes and rotting bodies appeared, littered in the streets I dove into an alley.

I closed my eyes hoping it was a dream, when I opened them, I was at home, safe, I thanked god I was only dreaming. Something stabbed into my leg, my eyes flew open, I had fallen asleep. The creatures once more surrounded me, no escape. They dove on me, tearing into my flesh, I screamed. My eyes grew red, my spine elongated splitting my skin. A guttural inhuman screech burst through my lips. My fingers were replaced by claws, my remaining humanity realised I was turning into one of the creatures.

My mouth watered as a new comer drove down the street, a family with two tender beefy kids, I smiled and waved, a barbeque sizzled and a glorious sunset completed the picture.

what do you think?

thanks

CD

Atom · 06-18-2006, 10:17 PM

all the damn me
^ dont understand this

All I could find were disturbing pictures of demons and tales of madness
^ sounds a bit corny.

Well the story was a bit corny. The plot was seemed rushed. This isnt the type of topic that would make a good 500 words story. After he knew it wasn't on the map, his search of the city on the internet, and the mayor on the gravestone wouldnt he get his ass out of there? F john. How did the first paragraph tie into the story anyway? I didn't enjoy the story. There was some good lines in it though. I like the last one.

My mouth watered as a new comer drove down the street, a family with two tender beefy kids, I smiled and waved, a barbeque sizzled and a glorious sunset completed the picture.

You have a unique writing style.

Crazy_dude6662 · 06-19-2006, 08:46 AM

sorry that should be all the damn time

okay, i agree its probably a bit rushed, and the first paragraph was the person being chased by things and he ducks into an alley. the he eplaines what happened...

thanks for the comments

much appriciated

CD

Fantasy of You · 06-19-2006, 10:01 AM

I gasped as I ran down the darkened alley(as an opening sentence to a dramatic opening paragraph.. it needs improving.. gasped doesn't work for me, neither does 'darkened alley'). Sewage coated the ground, my nostrils burned as I inhaled the ghastly stench(describe the stench? describe it spashing as you ran with hasty steps??). I couldn’t hear anyone behind me(how melodramatic that he should be running then -_^). I found a clean area and sank to the ground. I wiped away the sweat that coated my forehead; I should really explain how this happened(i like this part, sort of a hook to read further, but to create a better hook, create more tension and a sense of fear in the above paragraph ).

I had just moved to Saunderville, it was perfect. As I drove down the perfectly manicured streets I smiled, I was in paradise, the people smiled and waved as I passed, the smell of sizzling meat filled the air as I past a barbeque, a glorious sunset completed the picture. (this whole paragraph makes me cringe.. 'it was all perfect.. UNTIL' its been done.. over.. and over.. and over again , try not to repeat words to often, like perfect.. the overemphasis on how radiantly beautiful the place is only makes me know what will happen)

I walked into my house( i would rather you describe the 'perfectness' of the house, rather than the bushes- even thugh it would be better to just get on with the story), the bushes and grass were perfectly (there is is again) tended. I collapsed on the couch thankful the house was furnished(what? thankful the house was furnished??? this is an odd sentence to me and seems out of place.. i would scrap it ocmpletely, unless he never used to have any? and if that is the case, explain it, like how there wasnt any when he first moved there). I was exhausted after the day I had. I was introduced to everyone I walked passed, truly this was the friendliest town in the world (umm.. he was introduced by whom? or do you mean everyone introduced themselves.. the friendliest town in the world.. you are over doing the everything was good until the huge man eating octopus shows us and devours you), and yet, it wasn’t on any map (im getting a sour taste of silent hill here lol... if it wasnt on any map, he wouldnt move there.. be careufl about how you isolate your characters for horror and how you tyr to give a sense of foreboading).

I got (grew)suspicious after a week, everyone was perfect…to (too) perfect, all the damn me. No one frowned or cried, not even the children.(ok... this is very cliche and corny.. im like.. well, now the guy realised.. and how do you show he realised? with the typical 'word.. too word'... if you want to make him have an epiffany of common sense.. give a mini scene of him walking.. the children playing without emotion, smiling as you as she skipped or something)
I researched the town on the internet (how pedantic of me.. but if the town isnt on a map, how did you get the internet.. also, you should say about how your suspicions grew too big to avoid them.. you were forced to take heed and then you researched the town on the internet that you got from magic). All I could find were disturbing pictures of demons and tales of madness (ok, to me, this is very 'oh well i could of told him that at the beginning.. dont have him tell you about what he saw.. have him show you, flash back in time, maybe describe some of the pictures, quote some text..). I finally found a map, on a wood carving from the 1500’s; I decided to investigate all the warnings to avoid Saunderville. I was about to close the browser when I saw something that made me sick with fear, on the wood carving was a picture of the current mayor. (this is quite strange... you found a map on a PHOTO of a wood carving? i think that is what you mean the warnings? you didn't mention them until now.. give an example, because it seems random to me. the current majoy oooh, obviously a demon who can live for years and years.. and no i havnt read on yet )

I was going to John’s house, as he was also new and I though he could maybe help me investigate all the terrifying claims (ok.. what the hell is john doing here? your town not mapped.. is he here to make you realise the seriousness of your situation? also, i dont know why, 'i was going to john's house seems sort of babyish 'i was going to my friend john's house to play powerrangers!').
A red glow was coming(was coming? came?) from his window; I moved closes (closer?)to get a better look. (describe the light and your puzzlement)
I looked into the window (you already were.. try 'as the distance decreased, it became clear what was happening' or something... just a quick example); inside John was tied to a table, with a host of unholy creatures surrounding him, cackling while drinking his blood.
I turned and threw up; vomit cascaded from my mouth in a horrific waterfall(lol i picture the cheap movies where vomit just squerts from a pack near their mouth and looks fake.. how about 'each time my stomach retched and twisted the acidic vomit poured from my mouth').
(ok.. i will ignore the cheesiness of the scene and tell you how it can be improved.. if your character is so disgusted by the sight of the monsters drinking his blood, you really should describe it. 'the ropey sinews of his neck muscles caught within it's teeth and is flashed its scarlet teeth and cackled. They were drinking his blood' ect.. detail on the drinking.. detail on their appearance, even though it is hard to describe demons without being corny)
I looked up (you rose? you wouldnt simply look up from spraying your guts)and screamed, (scream depicts a womanly shreik to me, maybe not others, i would of gone with wailed or yelled or something) the creatures were standing around me,(hmm.. description? if they were around him, how did he flee? what were they doing? why were they waiting for him to look and give him a chance to run before they eat him) I ran(perhaps a seperate sentence/paragraph for the i ran.. and ran is not so good. bolted? fled?). The town started to dissolve around me, everything twisting, turning and buckling. They transformed into hellish versions of the previous glory. A red film descended over my eyes, cars rusted, windows cracked and large crevasses appeared in the streets. Giant flames jumped from the holes and rotting bodies appeared, littered in the streets I dove into an alley. (ok.. this part is quite well written, i can picture things perfectly so well done. 'transpormed into hellish versions of their previous gloary' a red film??? what's thaT?blood?)

I closed my eyes hoping it was a dream, when I opened them, I was at home, safe, I thanked god I was only dreaming( ok, well... closing your eyes while you run and falling asleep seems very very strange... thanking god is extremely over done... the commas are overused here too. 'i closed my eyes, hoping it was a dream. When i opened them, i was at home. Safe. I thanked god silently. i was dreaming'). Something stabbed into my leg,(what?) my eyes flew open(you already opened them), I had fallen asleep. The creatures once more surrounded me, no escape(i am a bit confused as to why they took you back to your home to kill you). They dove on me, tearing into my flesh(details! i demand details!), I screamed. My eyes grew red, my spine elongated splitting my skin(um.. what? you can see your psine elongating, or can you feel the tearing of your skin and a new sensation in your spine- you can say you feel the spine grown, somehow). A guttural inhuman screech burst through my lips(if he is becoming a demon, the use of inhuman would be wrong.. perhaps 'a liberated cry burst through my lips, what the hell?' might be better?). My fingers were replaced(replaced seems very impersonal.. describe them growing and changing ect..) by claws, my remaining humanity realised I was turning into one of the creatures.(i like 'my remaining humanity' its very well done good sentence wooo)

My mouth watered as a new comer drove down the street, a family with two tender beefy kids, I smiled and waved(i like that you make the character do what he was at first suspicious of, and the fact that you end it with a 'here we go again'), a barbeque sizzled and a glorious sunset completed the picture.
(where did it say you turned back into a man, so the people would not be scared?)

what do you think?

as a story, it lacks originality as it has been done many times before, as a piece of writing, it is quite well written.. although since you say you will tell the reader how you wound up in the alley way, without returning to it with a 'and now i am here' thing.. your story lacks structure, if you turn into one of them, i dont know if it was before or after you are in the alley, if you are running from the monsters, or with the monsters.. you should mention is somewhere

i hope you keep writing, because i enjoyed readin, although the plot was not original, i can tell you made it your own in some ways, pm me when you write something else

big kiss

Crazy_dude6662 · 06-19-2006, 11:50 AM

O.O thats alot of red lol.

i will have to go over it and expand..

thanks

CD

kk1739 · 06-20-2006, 11:06 AM

I very much liked this story. It sounded a bit twilight zoney(yes I know, unusual word. haha) I also think that the story could be expanded in a few , but other than that, it's a good story.

Crazy_dude6662 · 06-20-2006, 11:12 AM

thank you

CD