The Gallows (579 words) - Writers Forum

Atom · 06-18-2006, 02:27 PM

A very short short story. Wrote it a long time ago, didn't do much editing so ill appreciate some feedback Tell me what you think.

The Gallows 579 words

Fred was staring at a painting at an art auction. The painting was called “The Gallows”. The painting depicted a community from the Middle Ages in the background, with the main focus of a man in a tweed suit being hung by the city gallows. The man was dangling by his neck and the expression was so eerie, so horrifying, so intriguing , so …priceless. Fred knew that he MUST have it.
While admiring its beauty, an old man stood next to Fred and looked closely at the painting. He squinted and said, “ Well that’s odd. I saw this painting a couple years ago and I could’ve sworn it was a black fella’ being hung.”
Fred examined the man being hung and thought to himself, this man must be getting senile, there is no way anyone could mistake the white man being hung for black . The old man walked away and later that day Fred exercised his eccentric tastes by bidding on the painting named “ The Gallows” in the auction.

He bid whatever it took, and came to his large house with the painting in his back seat. He hung it in his study room, and looked again at the man being hung. He was dressed in a tweed suit, blood dripping from his mouth, his face looking tortured. The painting was valuable because it was supposed to be drawn in the early 1300’s, but the man in the painting is in a tweed suit, which was not around at the time. Could the artist behind it have guessed how the people in the future were to dress, or was he just drawing an outrageous outfit that was coincidentally an outfit in future times?
Fred checked his watch, and noticing the time, slumped off to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He looked at himself in the mirror. He had red hair with a shaggy red beard. He had this beard to hide his extra chins, since Fred was an obese man. He went off to bed and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, Fred had an impulse to check the painting again. He entered the room and gave gasp of horror.

“ Where is the man being hung!” Fred cried aloud. The man hanging from the gallows in the painting was no longer there.

Fred took his finger and touched the spot where the man used to be. Instead of the smooth texture of the painting. He felt a surface that felt like rubber that moved to the pressure of his finger like water. He tried to take his finger out and to his dismay he could not. The painting slowly sucked him in until all he could see was blackness.

Fred found himself on the floor. He stood up and brushed the dirt off his pajamas. I must be dreaming, Fred thought. Half aware of what he was doing, he walked around the environment and spotted the same man with the tweed suit that was supposed to be hung, leaning against a stone wall of a house.

Fred walked up to him and immediately the man in the tweed suit exclaimed, “ Thank goodness you bought the painting! That was my ticket out of here!”
Fred was confused. Suddenly the man in the tweed suit hit him in the back of the head and Fred crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

Three years later, there was a public art auction in New York City. It’s main feature was a painting called “ The Gallows”. It showed a heavyset man with red hair and beard being hung in his pajamas in the center of a town in the Middle Ages.

mwd · 06-18-2006, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

Fred was staring at a painting at an art auction. The painting was called “The gallows” [hmm. might want to capitalize 'Gallows'. seems a little odd for the title to be unevenly capitalized.]. The painting depicted a Middle Aged community [i take it you mean the Middle Ages, although for some reason I had a vision of a bunch of 40 year old people standing in a large group, with no elders or children, haha] in the background, with the main focus of a man in a tweed suit being ['hung'?] by the city gallows. The man was dangling by his neck and the expression was so eerie, so horrifying, so intriguing , so …priceless. Fred knew that he MUST have it.
While admiring its beauty, an old man stood next to Fred and looked closely at the painting. He squinting ['squinted'] and said, “ Well that’s odd. I saw this painting a couple years ago and I could’ve sworn it was an ['a'] black fella’ being hung.”
Fred examined the man being hung and thought to himself, this man must be getting senile, there is no way anyone could mistake the white man being hung for black . The old man walked away and later that day Fred exercised his eccentric tastes by bidding on the painting named “ The Gallows” in the auction.

He bid whatever it took, and came to his large house with the painting in his back seat. He hung it in his study room, and looked again at the man being hung. He was dressed in a tweed suit, blood dripping from his mouth, his face looked ['looking'] tortured. The painting was valuable because it was supposed to be drawn in the early 1300’s, but the man in the painting is in a tweed suit, which was not around at the time. Could the artist behind it have guessed how the people in the future were to dress, or was he just drawing an outrageous outfit that was coincidentally an outfit in future times?
Fred checked his watch, and noticing the time, slumped off to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He looked at himself in the mirror. He had red hair with a shaggy red beard. He had this beard to hide his extra chins, since Fred was an obese man. He went off to bed and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

[I see it coming... the painting is gonna kill the guy, or suck him into the painting or whatever, and then Fred will be the next guy hanging in the painting. Awesome.]

[...]

Yeah. Even though I saw the ending coming, it was still a fun story, and nice and chilling at the end.

I can tell that it's still rough, and I think that if you gave it a read through and some tweaking, you could make things flow better and fix a few of the small hangups. This is pretty good for a first draft, though.

An enjoyable read, thanks.

Atom · 06-18-2006, 04:36 PM

Hey thanks. When i reread my stories i dont catch all these simple things. ill edit it now. Thanks again for the feedback.

writenow30 · 06-18-2006, 06:39 PM

I've read both "The Hitchhiker" and now this and they are both similarly structured in that they both contain a twist at the end. I really enjoyed reading both of them. The problem, like others have mentioned, is that the reader can sort of see the twist coming before they get to it, which slightly diminishes its' impact once it arrives. I'm thinking that maybe fleshing it out a bit and maybe somehow throwing us off first might be something to think about. But like I said, I did like it.

Vulgar` · 06-18-2006, 07:55 PM

Good shit

6.7/10

writenow30 · 06-18-2006, 08:05 PM

Not to be nosy, but Vulgar, it sort of seems like instead of critiquing the piece and giving your opinion, you are rewriting it for Atom. If he used your word for word suggestions, your name would have to go on the byline instead of Atom's!

Atom · 06-18-2006, 08:48 PM

Writenow, thanks for your opinion, ill try to think of a way to add a bit more suspense to my ending.

Vulgar` · 06-18-2006, 10:41 PM

Return the favor on Mantis..!

Atom · 06-20-2006, 10:32 AM

Any more feedback?

Fantasy of You · 06-20-2006, 11:36 AM

ok.. i wont tell you have you can improve your piece with words, because other peopl can do that. the sorry was, all in all, pretty.. empty..

the story held no surprise, emotion, or anything.. and although its a small piece, it is still possible to have that stuff within it..

it seemed kind of babyish.. like.. *i think* goosebumps.. we all know goosebumps right

that kind of shallow horror (kind of thing..)

ANYWAY.. soryr to be negative, you have a good base for a story, if you delete the last two paragraphs (Sorry the ending was dumb to me

) and make the story longer.. perhaps the painting was so beautiful with the man in, the lack of it drives him crazy?

Arin · 06-20-2006, 02:30 PM

It's a fun, light, slightly creepy piece. Good for a flash of attention-grabbing entertainment. One comment: when someone is executed on the gallows, they are 'hanged.' When a picture is put on the wall, it is 'hung.' Kind of amusing you mixed them up since your story was about both.

Daniel Malone · 06-23-2006, 09:13 PM

I liked the concept and agree with most of the other critiques. It needs a sentence structure make over.

Anyway, I think the story would be better with another twist, but I'm no expert either.

ConorMB · 06-30-2006, 06:28 PM

It wasnt surprising or anything, but I liked it, sounds kind of like one of those short stories people write for school...
Cheers
Conor

Keystrings · 07-02-2006, 12:47 PM

The manner of your description (especially, I felt, in the first paragraph or so) was a little bit awkward at times. The dialog wasn't inserted into the story very naturally, and I aggree with most people that the twist was kind of obvious. I also think that when he exclaimed upon seeing the painting it seemed a little bit artificial. This is probably me, but I generally don't make remarks like that. I feel like it's kind of redundant to exclaim to myself about something that I'm seeing. Instead, I would suggest using his facial expression to let the reader "see" his surprise. The end felt rushed, too, and unclear.

Quote:

"He walked around the environment and spotted the same man with the tweed suit that was supposed to be hung, leaning against a stone wall of a house."

What stone wall? What does the environment look like. I think it would be a good idea to describe the painting in a little bit more detail early on in the story and then re-insert those details when he is sucked into the painting. I did, however, like the story as a whole. Well-written, though, as you said, kind of rough. I like the ending, and how you described the man earlier and then described him again instead of saying something like, "And hanging in the painting was Fred."
Not bad.