XforbiddenX

“Would you sacrifice your life, to save the life of another?”

Yesterday, Jade would have replied no and be absolutely certain of her answer, but now as she watched the burning fires engulf her home, she had doubts. Everything was in her second story apartment, her memories, her life and most importantly, her sister.

Every shrill scream sent a dagger through her heart, but her mind had stubbornly refused to attempt anything. Jade stood stationary, tears falling freely, memories reflected in her clear, blue eyes.

It was in the year of 1990, on a night that was hot and humid. Jade moved restlessly on her mattress in the girl’s dormitories, which were located on the third floor of the orphanage. Her sister Meagan lay beside her, breathing softly. Her hair shone like gold in the moonlight and she looked like a delicate, porcelain doll. All the sisters at the orphanage called her Angel, for she was just as beautiful and kind. Though older, Jade envied her beyond sisterly jealousy. Her heart felt a bitter rage and many times she had envisaged Meagan’s death, a sin committed by her hand.

Their parents had died many years ago, a bloody murder that had been the front page of every newspaper. Jade had been six, her sister four. Even then she had hated her. At age four, she had learned the meaning of hell, but it had not frightened her. Meagan’s death was not a sin, but it was what God wanted, at least that was what Jade thought. When her parents had died, mysteriously and unexpected; Jade and her sister were sent to their Grandmother, who died shortly after. With no money and no living relatives, Jade and Meagan were sent to the only place that would take them; the small orphanage on the edge of town. There they learnt of God, of Jesus, of why they should strive to be good in order to go to Heaven. But the sisters’ lessons meant nothing to Jade; all she knew was that Meagan had to die.

At age 13, as Jade lay upon the sweat soaked mattress, a plan began formulating in her mind. The more she stared at Meagan's beauty, the more she began to loose control. She lost her sense of right from wrong, her innocence and her purity. She rose silently, her eyes gleaming with menace. Slowly and carefully she made her way to the small window on the west wall. With both hands, she flung the window wide, feeling a slight, almost undetectable breeze. Closing her eyes, she bent forward and fell.

*********

To be continued...

Rob

Sounds as though this represents all you've thought through at the moment, in the sense that I don't think you've yet worked out where you're going with it. I say that because the chronology of what you've written so far is all over the place, jumping around, as though this is the basis of an idea that hasn't yet been fully considered.

Not really enough here to critique, it's more of an idea than a story in its current form, but I'll watch for it being fleshed out some more.

The opening line didn't work for me. It's dialogue, and yet there's no-one speaking, it just hangs there, unless it's the narrator in which case it just needs to be straight text.

The other issue, perhaps, though it's hard to be certain because it's not complete, is that as written you've started with an event that doesn't actually happen until later, and now everything that follows is backfill. Why give away what's to come in this way? Why not leave it till later and build up to it?

And finally, why post this unfinished after just a few paragraphs? If you want people to spend time doing critiques, why not finish your first cut of the whole story first?

Cheers,
Omni

writenow30

I have to disagree with Omnius in that I like that you started off with the present event and then go back to the past. It leaves the question, 'will she try to save her or not?' dangling in our heads as we learn more about the sisters. Some tweaking of sentence structure and the like is needed, but I am interested to see more of this. I do agree with Omnius about the first line, though. It reads like a cheesy tagline on a movie poster and I would lose it. Not trying to sound rude, just my two cents.
P.S.-I like the title.