Hospital Visit by Atom, 335 words - Writers Forum

Atom · 06-15-2006, 01:24 PM

I wrote this in my english class while i was supposed to be reading Shakespeare..... i don't like shakepeare...

Hospital Visit

I saw him crash. The squealing of brakes, the shattered glass, the crunched metal, the young man flying out of the windshield, a disgusting mess of blood and flesh , an appearance like a slaughtered pig, except, he was still alive. I was a pedestrian but I still helped the paramedics load him onto the metallic stretcher and roll it in the ambulance, watching the blood ooze off of him. I put my finger to it and tasted it. A saltiness that reassured me I wasn’t dreaming. I had an emotional bond with the young man because I saw his near-death experience. So naturally, when it was reported that there was a bomb threat at St. Josephs hospital and that only patients well enough to stand could be taken out, I knew the young man would be dead. All I could hope is that he didn’t die before I could get to him.

In the crisp nighttime near St. Joseph’s, the panic was overwhelming. The doctors and nurses were scurrying ants bringing all the food out of their dirt pile before it was destroyed by a giant human foot. The scurrying ants were now out of the building and pushing their patients as far as they can get them from the hospital. St. Joseph’s was now deserted. Calmly I walked into the hospital doors into the emergency room. I heard the young man moaning from a couple rooms down and I ran. I was hoping he didn’t die before I got to him, and when I saw his body on the hospital bed, still alive, I actually smiled.

I knew that calling a bomb threat to the hospital was a perfect plan. I was so hungry and I was overjoyed that this risky plan worked. I sunk my fangs into the bloodied young man’s neck and sucked the salty juices.

“ I’m glad he didn’t die before I can get to him”, I said aloud, “ I hate the taste of spoiled blood.”

aliceedelweiss · 06-15-2006, 01:32 PM

Quote:

i don't like Shakespeare

Don't let Ilan hear that...

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I put my finger to it and tasted it

Not only is that creepy, but you could get HIV/AIDS!!!!

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as far as they can get them from the hospital

could get them

The vampire turn I would say...took me much by surprise. I am a vampire fan but..It was rather sudden, but..nice? Wasn't expected, I'll give you that.

Bravo,
Alice

Oasis Writer · 06-15-2006, 01:50 PM

Hey dude, I gotta question. Why do you refer to yourself in the third person in your Sublect. "Hospital Visit by Atom, 335 words" We know it's by you dude

Looks unprofessional to do that in the title. Do that at the top of the post in the thread.

No worries buddy, just thought I'd tell ya.

Vulgar` · 06-15-2006, 05:07 PM

Why are you posting so many stories at once?

Hospital Visit (335 words)

Daniel Malone · 06-15-2006, 06:51 PM

Your shouldn't post to many stories at once.

Anyway, I enjoyed this story. The grammar needs fixed and it should be expanded. It would make a for a better story.

Atom · 06-15-2006, 06:52 PM

Alice, thanks for the feed. I edited the grammar mistake.

Oasis, Atom doesn't share your opinions on titles. He thinks he should make his name more public since he just joined. lol

Atom · 06-15-2006, 06:53 PM

Yeh Daniel i tried making it longer, i had it at around 1000 words then i realized it was crap. I think it's better short, because when it gets long it also gets corny. But that's probably because i was the one writing it lol

Daniel Malone · 06-15-2006, 07:02 PM

Yeah, you may be right. Short, shorts are good, but I guess I thought more detail and character development.

Of course, I'm not an expert.

Also, don't worry about what some people say on this forum. If you violate the rules the moderators will let you know via private message.

Strummer · 06-15-2006, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atom

I wrote this in my english class while i was supposed to be reading Shakespeare..... i don't like shakepeare...

Every writer should like Shakespeare, or at least appreciate and learn from him. Pay attention in that class!

Vulgar` · 06-15-2006, 07:42 PM

Atom is a threat to the atmosphere.