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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 06-14-2006, 10:34 PM   #1
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Beach Party (905 words)

I just wrote this almost as a rant to let out some steam, but I ended up liking it. Let me know what you think, and how I can improve it. Thanks!







There was about fifteen agonizing seconds of chattered background noise on Calvin’s end of the phone before Beth let out, “Oh, muffin I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s alright. So what are you up to tonight? Staying over Jess’s?”
“Haha! What? Sorry dear, Pat almost just spilled his drink all over the couch and on Jess’s new shoes! Okay, okay, sorry. What did you say?”
“Nothing, I was just wondering what was going on tonight.” Someone’s car alarm started going off in the parking lot nearby.
“Oh! Well Pat said something about a, umm… Yeah, a party in Plymouth.”
More idle background chatter, but this time Calvin waited for Beth to notice the lingering cell phone call, counting the beeps and whoops of the anti-theft system in the meantime. “Oops! You still there pumpkin?”
“Yeah. Yeah I am.”
Calvin’s wet hair stuck to the wood paneling of his room, and as he looked up into the mirror in front of him, realized that he was sitting against his wall in nothing but his towel.
“So uh, Cal!”
“Hm?”
“Why was worky so bad?”
“I don’t know…I guess it wasn’t too bad, it was just really busy and-“
“Ah! Watch out! Hahaha! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Pat almost dropped Jess on the ground! He was trying to spin her over his head,” and in a now hushed voice, “I think he’s a bit silly.”
“I bet.”
“So what are you doing tonight, mister? Playing cards? Going out?”
“No. I have to get up at six. I told you that this morning.”
“Sorry, love what was that?” The water from Calvin’s hair had dripped between his ear and the receiver that caused a sickly sucking sound every time he moved his hand the tiniest bit.
“Listen, you sound busy, so I’ll let you go.”
“Okay! Want me to call you tomorrow morning?”
“Well, I’m working seven to five, and I have a big order, so I probably won’t be able to talk.” Calvin realized that he was absolutely freezing when one of his toes touched his leg and startled him. After all, it was the middle of January and he still hadn’t put a thread of clothing on. He must have forgotten to turn the heat up too.
“That stinks, dearie. Well, I guess I’ll talk to you sometime then!”
“Yeah, I guess so. Have fun tonight, alright?”
“I will! Bye!” she trailed off.
“I love you, Beth.”
“Oh, love you too, pumpkin!”
“Goodnight.”
“’Night!”
Before Calvin could even realize the conversation was over, he heard the flick of Beth’s phone shutting and the familiar tone of a ‘call ended’.

* * *

The next morning was surprisingly nice for mid winter. Almost fifty degrees and sunshine meant that Calvin could sleep another half hour, for his car needn’t be wiped off or warmed up. The low buzzing of the alarm resumed and Calvin stumbled out of bed again. It wasn’t the nice alarm clock with the gentle rushing of a mountainside stream, but that kind of alarm clock that had large glaring red numbers and beeped incessantly. The kind of alarm clock that made Calvin want to slit someone’s throat.
Calvin put on his ankle high socks, then his blue polo and stained khakis. Last was his more-brown-than-black black belt and dorky hat. He took off his watch, since where he worked no one was allowed to wear anything on their wrist, and dropped it into his coin jar.
To his surprise, his phone was blinking like it did when he had a message. Barely able to stand straight, he punched in his password and listened curiously.
“First message, sent today at: four forty eight, AM…” droned an anonymous woman’s voice,
“Oof! Cally Wally! Liiisten! We are at Pat’s friend’s beach house! Wooooo! Haha, Jeff get away! Ah! Pumpky, it’s so pretty, the sun is almost out and- shit, I spilled on myself. Haha, sorry! I wanted to tell you something, but I forgot! Gah, I’m so dumb. Ummmm, it was about…Jeffery! Seriously cut it out, I don’t want to get wet! Ahhh! Haha stop!”
At this point there was a thud and the scratchy sound of sand being kicked against the receiver. Calvin could hear what sounded like the clinking of bottles and rushing of waves in the background, maybe even the crackle of a beach wood fire, and he longed to be anywhere but where he was. He heard all of this over the ruckus of maybe a dozen teenagers hooting and hollering in the cold sea breeze.
After about a minute of this, the recording ended with the familiar beep and Calvin looked at his phone, then out the window. He stared at the convenience store across the street, which wasn’t open. He wondered if the clerk was on his way to turn on the sign and open the register, or if since it was Sunday, they opened later, maybe at ten. He took another look out his bedroom window and then, with all the strength he could muster, threw his cell phone straight through the window, sending tiny prisms showering all over his lawn and back into his room. As if he had just knocked over something as mundane as an empty mug, he walked out of his room. A few moments later, the faint whirring of a ’93 Japanese engine was heard starting up, and skittering onto the road.
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Old 06-14-2006, 10:55 PM   #2
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I really liked that. My only complaint is during the first half it was sometimes hard to tell who was talking at times. Try to add dialog tags when you're switching from paragraphs of non dialog, back to dialog. I really liked the way you conveyed the ignorant, almost stupid, girlfriend. She seems so uncaring, yet she is trying. I also think she was drunk... But I liked it! It was very cute. I have no suggestions to how you could make it better, though I'm sure some one will come around with them sooner or later...

Quote:
Why was worky so bad?
I'm not sure if thats a typo or if that is meant to be there...so I thought I'd point it out
Quote:
Last was his more-brown-than-black black belt and dorky hat.
You could just say "his more-brown-than-black belt and dorky hat." the repetition of black just sounded weird, and it makes sense with out you saying black again.
Quote:
sending tiny prisms showering all over his lawn and back into his room
Actually, if he was throwing it out the window, no glass will come into his room. It will all land outside. *physics*

Nice job! Like I said, I rather liked this
Alice
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Old 06-14-2006, 11:00 PM   #3
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thanks a lot for the quick response! as for "worky" yes, that is intended. She has been drinking, which i'm glad you picked up on, but it wasn't so evident. I wanted you to feel as ambiguous as Calvin in that respect. In regard to physics : although it was thrown with force, I'm sure some glass would fall on the sill and bounce back. I'll try to word it so. Good call with the belt, it didn't sound right, but I liked the phrase. Thanks again.
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Old 06-15-2006, 11:20 AM   #4
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Hey,

I liked this as well. I could kind of relate to this one so that added to my liking of it. You did a nice job of mixing sadness in with humor and silliness. The girlfriend was straight up annoying, ugh! I have no suggestions on how to make it better, it looked great to me. Nice job, keep up the good work!

LW
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