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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 06-14-2006, 09:53 AM   #1
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Atom's new short story, " You Believe me Right?" 1669 words

You believe me, right?


I am not crazy! You believe me, right? When I tell people of what I see, they always give me a look of pity, as if I am a lunatic. But of course I’m not.. Everyone is treated the same at the Institute. We are all imagining things, creating things with our mind, they tell us. They‘re right, in most cases anyway! Everyone in here is a lunatic, except for me and a few others I‘ve met. I’m an average person just like you. I have friends, family, and I used to have a job. When I told my psychologist about my first visions, he acted as if it was a normal occurrence, as if everyone had them, and this helped me feel relief. What really happened, was my psychologist told me these things to keep me calm. He had pressed a button on his desk that sent for security. I later found out that my visions suggested that I had “ Aggressive Alternate Reality Syndrome”, which means I can get aggressive and maybe kill someone before I realize it. The name means nothing to me. The institute has many psychologists, and my psychologist’s name was Dr. Woods. Now, when Dr. Woods first met me (behind the unnecessary glass window separating us) he explained that my visions were not normal. I had told him about what I see on a natural occurrence. When I see human shadows, they don’t act in accordance to nature. If the person is sitting down reading a book, their shadow might be dancing, or standing up beckoning at me- which is the most horrifying thing imaginable, by the way, but I’m getting used to it. Mirrors also have the same effect. I can be combing my hair in the mirror, but my image is glaring angrily at me, or walking away all together. This way for me, I might walk by a television screen, or someone with glasses, or even a real mirror- for that matter, and see a reflection of myself or of something near me that is not normal, and that’s very frightening. Imagine looking in the mirror after taking a shower and seeing a person behind you, staring at you. You turn around, and nothing is there. The part about them not being there…it gives me relief, but it reminds me that something is wrong. My idea is that the devil has crossed over to this world, to help his many demonically possessed persons in the Institute. Because there are many of them (or so they say), and I‘m like some kind of prophet. This is my reason for explaining my visions, because the only alternative to this is that I am crazy.
I am not crazy! You believe me, right?

I’ve told you this to tell you the most ridiculous story. It all starts on a Monday morning, the doctors and nurses woke us up, and they let us get ready in the bathrooms. While walking there, I talked to my friends, Larry and Steve. I said earlier that some people in here aren’t crazy. These are two of the fourteen of them. They aren’t crazy, they really are demonically possessed, I see them go into devil-like states many times, and then when they are out of their violent mood, they turn back to normal people. They know twelve other people they say, that are demonically possessed like them in the Institute. I haven’t met any of them, but Larry and Steve are good guys, and I believe them. When we got there, I stood outside and waited for everyone to leave before going in. I do this, because some of the mean people who aren’t demonically possessed but are actually lunatics, try to mess with me in the bathroom, hurt me and insult me, those kind of things.

In the bathroom I brushed my teeth and watched my reflection. A figure was behind me in the mirror, I checked behind myself to make sure it wasn’t there, then I looked at the figure in the mirror. A hellish monster stood staring back at me. I jumped back in surprise. The creature‘s skin was dark red like a human‘s would be if the skin was peeled off and it had sharp yellow horns protruding from its head. It had black eyes. That’s what I remember about it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of its eyes. I felt like I was hypnotized. I knew what it was, it was the devil. Since I already know that I am a prophet, the demon didn’t surprise me much after my initial reaction. The devil was trying to communicate with me, which is a first. I eyed it curiously, and with its skinny long red finger, it pointed towards its head. Its finger made a circling motion and kept circling till he thought I understood, (It was a familiar motion but I still was confused), then he moved to the next part of his message , which was very clear. He made a cutting movement with his hand, and put it to his neck. He wanted something dead. The demon then disappeared out of the mirror in a fog of black mist, and left me stroking my chin to the meaning of his message.

“Hey, you!” a guard pointed towards me. “Come over here! You’ll be late for breakfast!”. The guard led me to the lunch tables, and the matter of the devil completely slipped out of my mind. I got a tray of food, and sat down at the table where Larry and Steve were sitting. We were talking about what we would do when they finally realized all of us were normal people and let us out. Then Larry made a comment that triggered my memory.

“ Look at all these psychos around here,” he started, pointing towards his head with his finger and circling it, “ How can they believe we are like them?”
Instantly, my brain whirred into action, I remembered what had happened in the bathroom, and the message was decoded. The finger circling motion I was too dumb to recognize before was the sign for crazy. Does the devil want me to kill all the crazy patients in the Institute?

I excused myself from the table and took a leisurely walk around the building. While passing the cafeteria again, I had an idea.

The next morning I snuck into the cafeteria before anyone had woken up. There were a few employees preparing the breakfast meals, but I took care of them.

The first employee I saw, I was a bit nervous, but I snuck up behind him and quickly twisted his neck like I had seen in the movies. It worked. The employee gave a high-pitched screamed and then collapsed to the ground. I stood still for a while praying that the other two employees had not heard. Luckily the two employees were in the other room. Leaving the body behind, I crept into the other room of the cafeteria kitchen but before I did, I thought of a plan. I tiptoed to the cutlery drawer and took out a long, slender, razor sharp knife. I gave a scream and stabbed my first victim, a female, in the eye, her blood spewing every which way. I took out the knife and the male employee, looking startled, had already been holding a knife and gave a quick swipe at me. I artfully dodged, then jammed the knife into the male employee’s face, and I didn’t take it out. He clutched the knife, and dropped to the floor, withering. I took a look at the female employee, who’s head was surrounding by a pool of blood and I noticed how her long blond hair had strands of red crimson soaked into it.

I saw what I had came for. The medicine cabinet. Every day, the nurses gave the cooks our prescription drugs, and they cooked into our meals. Then tagging each one, they gave it to us, this way, we never knew about the mood-altering drugs they have us. My plan was to steal then destroy all the drugs in the cabinet, that way, when the patients in the institute didn’t receive the drugs, they would go into violent moods and eventually kill each other. I took a garbage bag, and stuffed all the bottles of pills into the bag. I struck a match and lit in on fire. The blaze went off immediately, and much larger then I had imagined.

Sirens went off. Not smoke sirens but security sirens. Suddenly, I took in the fact that I was in danger. I would be charged for murder. While planning the crime I didn’t think of this. It was stupid, I know. This is how the rest of the story went. I raced down the corridors and into the bathroom, looking for the devil to give me a sign of what to do next. The devil had appeared last time as a black mist, so I eagerly waited for it to appear. Suddenly, a black silhouette appeared in the mirror. I would have checked behind me but I was certain that the image was in the mirror and not behind me and this led to my downfall. As the image grew clearer, I gasped. It wasn’t a devil at all. It was a security guard, hollering at me, and holding a gun to my head.

That was two months ago and now I am being investigated for murder, and my lawyer begs me to plead insane. I told the court how the devil told me to do all this, but they say that it is a hallucination, the nerve of it! They tell me that I am crazy.

Now, sitting in front of you, the jury, I have given the account of what had happened that night, and beg for you not to send me to prison.

I am not crazy! You believe me, right?
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Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.

Last edited by Atom : 06-14-2006 at 02:56 PM.
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Old 06-14-2006, 10:05 AM   #2
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I had to space out the paragraps instead of indenting for some reason. Indenting wouldn't work. I'd appreciate it if the people leaving feedback could answer thess questions.

" Is the main character convincing as a crazy person?"
" Do you think the main character is crazy or that what he saw was real?"

I still think my own writing of the character as crazy was unconvincing but when i look back to edit i can't think of any ways to make more realistic.
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I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.
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Old 06-14-2006, 10:20 AM   #3
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Hey Atom,

The story begins well written and interesting. You are subtle and creepy. You create some suspense. The images of shadows dancing and things in the mirror are especially good imo. But by the 2nd half the grammar has fallen to pieces along with the plot and character and it all becomes very gratuitous and rushed and cliché and not subtle or suspenseful. And the ending is kind of a gag. But there is some real potential here. Suggest you workshop it. There’s a relatively big market for horror. If you can get the last part as well edited and subtle and original and eerie as the 1st part, you could probably place this somewhere.


“it’s eyes.”
its

“It’s finger”
Its

“but I had still was confused”
I still

“The guard let me to the lunch tables”
led

“I got a tray of food, and sat down in the table where Larry and Steve were sitting.”
at the table

“had woke up”
woken

“There was a few employees”
were

“The first employee I saw, I was a bit nervous, but I snuck up behind them and quickly twisted their neck like I had seen in the movies.”
Singular noun w/ plural pronouns mix up
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Old 06-14-2006, 12:08 PM   #4
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Quote:
" Is the main character convincing as a crazy person?"
" Do you think the main character is crazy or that what he saw was real?"
Yes, he's crazy. The hallucinations make it pretty affect. And, I think he's crazy. by the way you can't make indentations, I'm not sure why, but you just can't. The story was alright, some of it didn't read smoothly but I'm not sure you even need that. it was interesting to read, though.

Alice
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Old 06-14-2006, 02:49 PM   #5
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hey thanks for the feedback, it should really help when i rewrite this. I'm going to edit the grammatical problems now first.
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I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.
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Old 06-15-2006, 09:02 AM   #6
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Anyone one else have other comments?
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I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.
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Old 06-15-2006, 01:26 PM   #7
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What do any of you guys think about the description of the demon?
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I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.
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Old 06-15-2006, 05:16 PM   #8
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"Hellish monster stood staring back at me. I jumped back in surprise. The creature‘s skin was dark red like a human‘s would be if the skin was peeled off and it had sharp yellow horns protruding from its head. It had black eyes. That’s what I remember about it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of its eyes. I felt like I was hypnotized. I knew what it was, it was the devil. Since I already know that I am a prophet, the demon didn’t surprise me much after my initial reaction. The devil was trying to communicate with me, which is a first. I eyed it curiously, and with its skinny long red finger, it pointed towards its head."

I don't like "black eyes."

Since I already know that I am a prophet, the demon didn’t surprise me much after my initial reaction. The devil was trying to communicate with me, which is a first.
^You should take this out, the "eyed it curiously" line is the best so far. Very good progression from you. Personallly, I'd refer to any Kerem Kyembit monster/devil for a description. Just write what you see. Atom's avatar.
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Last edited by Vulgar` : 06-16-2006 at 11:58 AM.
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