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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
06-12-2006, 06:17 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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Thoughts: A phone conversation
Keep going?
John:
Life, yah it's great... why didn't she call?.. Why the fuck am I sitting by the phone?... I'm such a loser. How can I make this work out... I know I'll move the phone by my bed... What if she asks me why I answer so fast? God damnit...
"Hey" o.k... I answered to fast, I know it.
"Hey, you sure answered fast" just great...
"Yah, well... the phones right by my bed." yes, who can argue with that.
"I thought it was by your desk?" never mind.
"...I moved it" haha, I win!
"Awww... you were waiting for me to call!" never mind... again.
"No I wasn't!" I can still beat her...
Amanda:
Work, it's finally over... I wonder what Jhon did today with out me. He probally masturbated, haha. I'll have to ask him... Weres my damn phone... oh, duh, god you can be so stupid Amanda. Now what's the number. Come on, think hard Amanda... Oh, yah, god you can be so stupid Amanda haha.
"hey" wow, that was fast... he loves me.
"Hey, you sure answered fast" I bet he's got a horribe reason. I know him to well.
"Yah, well... the phones right by my bed" haha, sure does.
"I thought it was by your desk" Yah, I know it, I'm good.
"...I moved it" he thinks he wins but... no.
"awww... you were waiting for me to call" haha, you lose... I bet he's blushing.
"No, I wasn't" he actually thinks he can still win.
John:
"yes you were, oh my god you are so bad at lying" She's right, I suck, she wins.
"Your right, you win" Damnit, I'm blushing. This is so embarassing.
"hehe, so what did you do today?" I sat around and waited for you to call...
"nothing really... I watched t.v... You?" I'm a loser, why does she bother with me... I love her.
"I worked and waited to go home and talk to you" oh she worked today, no wonder she didn't call.
"Have fun at work?" Have fun at work, damn I'm stupid. I need to get a job... god, I'm a loser!
"When I thought about you." she does this on purpose. She's torturing me... I love her.
"Really, what did you think?" probally about how much of a loser I am.
Amanda:
"yes you were, oh my god you are so bad at lying" He's so cute.
"Your right, you win" that's right, ten points for Amanda.
"hehe, so what did you do today?" Sat around and waited for me to call...
"nothing really... I watched t.v... You?" Watched t.v. and waited for me to call... I love him.
"I worked and waited to go home and talk to you" I love torturing him, he's so cute tortured.
"Have fun at work?" oh yah John, let me tell you... I love you John.
"When I thought about you" more torture, I am godess of your suffering. Hehe.
"Really what did you think?" About your tight ass, hehe.
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06-12-2006, 07:46 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Les Etats-Unis
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,568
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 It was cute. Not much of a plot but cute. Makes me think of me and my boyfriend on the phone  We're such bullies. I think if you got a plot to it, It would be nice. A unique way to write a story. You didn't really punctuate your dialog (use commas. I was told "Commas are always to the left the quotation mark" If you aren't using '?' or '.' or'!' )
Interesting. Very cute though! Shows true teen feelings, a bit repetitive with the loser thing though...Nice 
Quote:
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I wonder what Jhon did today with out me.
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Alice
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06-12-2006, 08:57 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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esh. I meant to not have a plot line. I just wanted to represent their thoughts and general mind reaction to verbal and physical situations.
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06-12-2006, 09:01 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Les Etats-Unis
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,568
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Oh then in that case, Sigur, wonderful job Never mind me speaking of plot.
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06-12-2006, 11:17 PM
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#5
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Writer
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 27
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It's got some good humor in it. You might want to polish that, make it a little funnier and less cute (just a personal preference). Also, the spelling needs a lot of work. It reminds me of the scene in Annie Hall where Alvy and Annie have a conversation with subtitles underneath that display their thoughts.
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06-12-2006, 11:27 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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lol I always have a lot of spelling mistakes.
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