To Jump (Ruff Draft, Sketch, about 1000 words) - Writers Forum

JP Wagner · 06-12-2006, 12:29 AM

Note: This is actually one of my few contemporary type peices. I primarily write science fiction, and a little fantasy. This is just a ruff draft sketch so please feel free to comment if you think it has potential and what I can do to improve it. It is also MUCH shorter than my normal work. Thanks in advance for reading.

I can do it...19 year old Dominic Harris thought to himself as he looked down. Mahogany red cliffs were a big tourist attraction for his town. Many people paid to go there and climb them, now he was going to jump off of them. You can do it, I know you can. He thought to himself. He was a tall young man, with red hair and freckles. His eyes were brown, but all anyone ever noticed was his red hair. "Carrot top" and "Ketchup head" were common nicknames for him when he was young. Unfortunately for him, they were not the only nicknames he was given. The ones later in life were much crueler.
Dom looked down over the ledge he stood on and took a deep breath seeing how high up he was. He began to doubt himself again, to doubt his conviction. "You can do it!" He yelled loud enough to hear the echo down the cliff side. He had announced publicly he could do it, and he believed it at the time, but now he was having second thoughts. Several hundred feet below him was the ground, and jagged rocks lining it. All around the cliff side there were jagged rocks. It was one of the reasons that anyone who climbed the cliffs came with a tour group, that led them safely up and around. What he had done was not legal, to climb to the top on his own. And what he was planning to do was definitely not legal. It wasn't ethical, it wasn't smart. But he felt he needed to do it. He felt this is what his life had come to.

"You're too much of a coward!" Rich had said when Dom declared his intention to jump. "Your just looking for attention again!"
"You're going to be awfully sorry when I go through with it!"Dom yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Oh brother, cue the violins huh?"Rich said to a group of his friends, who all laughed.
"Why don't any of you ever take anything I say seriously!?"Dom demanded.
"Because we don't take you seriously!"Rich answered. "You’re a joke, a pain who only wants everyone to pity him. That’s why you always say dumb things like this, because you want attention. Well, go take it somewhere else because none of us are buying it."

The memories of the day before poured back into Dom's head as he stood on the edge. Remembering Rich's words he clenched his fist. That asshole! He thought to himself. I am NOT a coward! I can too do this! Dom took a step to the edge and then a step back in fear. He took two steps forward and made a motion towards the edge only to run back several feet once he saw the view. He fell to his knees and tears started to run down his cheeks. Half out of fear and half out of shame.

"Why can't I do this!?"He yelled. "What the hell do I have to loose!?" He looked up at the clouds in the sky. "You've made everything hard for me, why!? I have no friends, I don't know my father, my mother is never around. My teachers hate me, all I have is myself and my pride and now your trying to take that away from me too!!?"He yelled in hate at a god he didn't believe existed. "I can do this!! Let me be brave enough at least to do this!!!" At that moment his eye color could almost match the redness of his hair. "I've never done anything to hurt anyone! I've never done anything wrong, so why do you do this to me!?!" The tears were running faster now. He didn't care, there was no one around to make fun of him now. And soon he wouldn't care anymore, if only he could get his strength up. "I can do this." He said leaning forward. "I'm sick of hating my life, I'm sick of hating myself, I'm better than this! I'm braver than this!!" He punched the dirt with his fists until his knuckles bled and he screamed in pain and rage. "I came up here by myself, hundreds of feet, it wasn't easy, it was hard!! I'd like to see any of them do that!! I'm braver than they are, they have no right to look down on me! I'm stronger than they are! I can do this! I can jump!!" He stared off into space, clenching the dirt in his hands. "Who the hell are you to look down on me Rich!?"He asked. "Who the hell is anyone to look down on me!? I'm just as good as they are! My whole life people looked down on me...not anymore...not after this. It's one jump away! The end to all of it is one jump away!!"
Suddenly something came over him. He wiped the tears that had amassed on his face. He wasn't afraid anymore. His body was shaking but he wasn't afraid. He pushed himself up from the ground, ran as fast as he could towards the edge of the cliff and in one jump cleared the edge and began to fall. He fell fast, picking up momentum as he went. As the air hit his face and pushed back his hair, he felt more freedom than he ever had before. He spread his arms and smiled as the rocks below him approached. They grew bigger and bigger and just as the end was near, the bungee chord tied to the arching ledge of the cliff ran out of slack and pulled Dom back up into the air. He bobbed for a few minutes, back and forth between the air, waiting for himself to come to a halt.

"I did it!"He yelled aloud, never feeling happier, or more content with himself than he did right at that moment. "I jumped!!! I jumped!!" For the first time in his life, his life had meaning.

BillyLiar · 06-12-2006, 12:59 AM

haha that was neat! i didn't really see the ending coming and it was a nice surprise. a few things..I know this may seem out of the ordinary or critiques, but i have a problem with the character's name. In his description, he clearly is an irish looking boy with red hair and freckles. However, his name Dom is so Italian that it actually made me go back and made sure I read what I read. It might just be me, and of course parent's dont have to use cultural names, but it stuck out. also.."What the hell do I have to loose!?" LOSE! LOSELOSELOSE! haha I don't mean to take it out on you, but this is one of my biggest pet peeve's when it comes to typos..worse than there/their. Also, the dialouge with the "brother" (is he actually his brother, or was that just a phrase?) seemed a bit forced and hurried.
All in all, it was a neat little story with a refreshing ended that actually made me smile.

aliceedelweiss · 06-12-2006, 01:58 PM

Wow. I really liked it, and the only thing I say you could do to make it better would be to add more style, more voice, more emotion to it (not that its lacking.) Wow. I was NOT expecting that bungee chord. Very good! I feel bad that that is all I can say, but it was very good. I was sure he was going to die and all I could think was "This kid is too good for that." Then the bungee! oh wow. See, thats power, being able to make the reader thoroughly believe your character is trying to kill himself. Awesome, excellent piece of work.

Quote:

I've braver than this

I'm

Awesome

Alice

Chris Miller · 06-12-2006, 02:14 PM

I enjoyed it too. I felt the build-up was a little prolonged for the almost gag ending. I knew there had to be a twist. I considered that he might be BASE jumping or maybe even a bird. Tough to bunji off a cliff, if you know what I mean, unless you’re into getting scraped and banged around a lot. How’d he get the cord up? What’d he fasten it to. How’d he get down?

I've braver than this!!"
I’m
(Never use more than 1 exclamation mark! Totally amateurish and e-chatty.)

JP Wagner · 06-12-2006, 11:07 PM

lol thank you for the advice and the kind words. I changed the I've to an I'm and added in one line at the end to correct that "where did he tie, how didn't he scrape himsefl on the side" thing. heh.