dash9

I am new to this site please try to be gentle lol. Please give your honest opinions and comments

PUNISHMENT PERFECT
PART ONE


It was a perfectly beautiful and sunny day in Manchester. Mathew had a long hot day at work and now he was unwinding in his BMW, blasting music at a defining level and being attacked by a strong wind as it was sucked through the open windows.
On his way home he stopped at a corner shop and bought a drink to soothe his parched mouth before he was quickly on his way again.
It didn’t take him long to travel down Oldham road and turn off down the familiar street he said good bye and welcomed everyday and soon he had pulled up his driveway and had locked his car securely.
On His way to the front door he sifted through the keys on his key ring and picked out the familiar bronze key that allowed him access to his world. With a quick twist of the wrist the door opened with a loud satisfying click and he stepped in wiping his feet hard on the welcome mat.
“I’M BACK HOME SWEETHEART”
Mathew waited for a reply but all that he could hear was the ticking from the grand farther clock that stood further down the hallway.
“DARLING ARE YOU IN” Mathew shouted louder then before.
Still only the clock filled the eyrie silence of the house.
Mathew shrugged his shoulders and walked through into the kitchen to get a cool glass of milk. He pulled open the stiff fridge covered in alphabetical letters and reached into the cold interior to grab a bottle of milk but doing it slowly to enjoy the freezing air.
He then span round and grabbed the handle of the cupboard and pulled it gently to reveal a large collection of different sized glasses.
Not taking long to pick he pulled one out and poured the fresh cool milk into the glass.
Then calmly he turned round and walked towards the living room.
He got to the doorway and he felt his hand go numb as the glass of milk dropped and smashed on the floor. There was a pool of blood flooding the once cream carpet that he had tread so often. He followed the pool of blood with his eyes, as it appeared to lead off as one thick line towards the dinning room.
He didn’t want to follow it, he didn’t want to know what was on the end but he felt his feet moving slowly. The glass on the floor stuck deep into his foot and a new trail of blood followed behind him. His eyes stayed firmly down to his feet as he watched them moving on their own accord. Then they stopped still. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at that moment so he took in one deep breath to steady the world that was spinning around him. Then slowly his head lifted. First he saw the familiar high heels but his eyes carried on up until he saw her face, there she was pinned up against the wall wrapped in what look like barbed wire. He felt his stomach lurch but he held the urge to be sick.
“Oh….my…god….what…”Mathew could not think he was so angry and sickened but a sudden urge came over him. He ran over to his wife and started ripping the barbed wire from her body, cutting his hands to shreds in the process. When he finally got it off and flung it to the side he laid her down carefully on the floor. Her face was twisted in horror. Her eyes starred ever onward into eternity.
Mathew then moved his hand over her eyes and pushed her eyelids down so she could then sleep peacefully from now on. Then in a torrent of tears he held her tight in her arms trying to tell himself that this wasn’t happening.
Suddenly there was a loud crack and a slam as the front door flew open and in no time at all a squad of heavily armed guards with pulse riffles surrounded the crying man clutching the body of his wife.
At that moment a man dressed in a black suite stepped forward.
“Mr Whitehouse you are under arrest for murder of the first degree. You have the right to remain silent, anything you may say will given in a court of law as evidence, you have a right to an attorney… take him away.
The officers grabbed Mathew and dragged him screaming from his wife.
“I DID’NT DO IT.. I WOULDN’T KILL HER I LOVE HER”
“We have heard it all before Mr Whitehouse, the court will decide if your innocent or not”
Once the house was empty the head of police ordered the house to be tapped off and searched from top to bottom for evidence.

BillyLiar

I'm going to be rather broad in my criticism. Grammatically, you have a lot of run on sentences, such as the second sentence. Also, the dialouge has no puncuation. And something needs to happen at the end. There is not an inclination as to why this happened, if he was framed, etc. It functions well as a draft, but needs some fleshing out, fine tuning, and an ending with more closure.

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aliceedelweiss

this was alright. I was expecting her to be dead maybe if you said something like "he called to his wife and when she didn't reply he guessed she must be in the shower like she sometimes is when she makes it home." The ending, where the police storm in, wasn't very believable. Why didn't he call the police? Why would people storm his house? They would never arrest someone ON SITE for killing somebody unless there was murder weapon in hand, it was obvious, etc. plus, they could do liver temp and KNOW he wasn't home when she died. So it seems very improbable.

Your descriptions are kind of general, but I got into it. I tried not to be too harsh, just pointed out the big stuff. Good luck.

Alice

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Audrey

"Mr. Whitehouse" - is that some sort of political commentary?

I agree, it's alright. Do fix your punctuation, and you may not want to put any of your dialogue in caps. It's more like netspeak than prose. Try to convey the loudness of his voice by using more description.

You used a lot of random and rather unnecessary description - the bit about him opening the door, for example, and him getting a glass of milk. Unless the different-sized glasses are going to have some sort of significance later (I suppose they could tell the reader something about the late wife's personality, if you continued with the plot), leave that out and make more of an effort to strengthen your plot details and develop the characters.

Finding your wife skewered to the wall by a load of barbed wire is horrifying. In this piece, the climax is anticlimactic in itself. Too much description can be bad, but the important parts in this piece don't have enough.

Vary your sentence structure - short, clipped sentences are matter-of-fact and will force the reader to speed up while still digesting what's going on. This is a good method to use in action/horror stories like this one.

Try to hook the reader in the first couple of sentences.

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dash9

thanx for all the comments. I will have to work at it lol. thanxs again dash9