ProudestMonkey

Well this is just a short story I wrote. I could expand it longer, but I wanted to see how it's going so far. I think it could work just like this, but could definitely see it being longer:
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"Alright!" I shouted across the gas pumps, finally trying to subdue the public argument, "I'm getting your damn green tea!" My wife gave me the finger as I turned brusquely towards the gas station's entrance. Stepping onto the sidewalk leading to the door, I noticed a man dressed in deep blue jeans and a black jacket. He'd been watching the entire fight, and the look on his face suggested that he had enjoyed it. Either that or he was scared to death. It's funny how the two emotions can blur. I couldn't think of a reason why he would be afraid of me and my wife's bickering, but the tweak of his mouth sure gave the impression.

Upon realizing my gaze, he turned promptly and began drumming his fingers on the large stack of Coca-Cola Refrigerator packs, shifting his feet uncomfortably. I played high school football, but I was certain it no longer was obvious.

Suddenly what sounded like a gunshot rang through my ears. My eyes darted around quickly, as if the shooter would be in plain sight, while I explosively leapt in fright, that I slyly (at least I thought so) morphed into a 5-pace jog. I was just getting my heart going, is all! I explained visually.

Getting a hold of myself, I accommodated my path toward the entrance (his large body was directly in front of me), and pushed the glass door open. The little bell rang, alerting the clerk that he had another customer to rip off. Damn gas prices...gimme a break.

I welcomed the waft of cold air that met me at the threshold. But that was just about the only thing pleasing about the place. After the initial breath of air, the station's mart felt damp and humid. The man behind the counter's attire was only acceptable for his line of work. A wife beater and short-shorts. With his woolly appearance, I could tell that it was hard for the customers to focus on their purchase, fearing they'd get sucked into the darkness of his pits or the space between shirt and skin (which did not appear to touch at any point.)

Nobody wants to see that, I thought. But the guy still looked tough; I had to give him that. It was just something about the way he carried himself. Maybe it was just his recognition that he had a two-barrel shotgun as his co-worker.

I noticed a card stand with three young boys, of maybe ten or eleven, grabbing each pack off the row, gasping "whoa!" while pushing it into his friend's face. The friend then returned a gasp, grabbing another Japanese cartoon deck. Right next to them was a rack of picture frames. I thought about using them as make up material with my wife, fuming in the car. We had too many pictures around the house already, so I dismissed the notion.

There were only seven people in the store, including myself. There was an elderly man inspecting the different brands of peanuts, already with two cans in his hand; a younger man, around my age, holding his young daughters hand as the browsed the junk food; a young lady grazing a Cosmopolitan. Boring joint.

I was only then making my way towards the drinks against the back wall when the door's bell reverberated through the shop. Everyone turned mechanically and glanced at the visitor, and then reverted back to their previous undertaking. I would have too, if it were anyone else. Anyone but the broad-shouldered guy with the tweaked expression. Whether he was scared or amused, I couldn't tell. I needed to get that green tea before my wife came galumphing in to start another altercation.

A few more steps and I reached the back of the store. I took a glance towards the way in while putting my hand on the refrigerator handle, and I noticed that Tweak was skipping the browsing, the appraising, and was going straight to check-out.

He pressed his abdominal against the counter, rearranged his jacket, and breathed, "Don't make this difficult." I had a feeling that Woolly wouldn't comply.

"Oh no you don't, you son of a-!" Bang. The clerk collapsed slowly behind the counter and out of view. Blood splattered onto the tip jar.

When the gun sounded, the man with his daughter shielded her with his body and hit the floor. At the same time the old man was hiding behind the aisle he was about to turn into, peeking through the salted peanuts. The boys just stared, mouths open and the girls Cosmo dropped noisily to the floor. They all looked so frightened - but no one more so than Tweak.

He seemed shocked about the outcome of pulling the trigger. As if it was only going to subdue the man, rather than end in a quick, but messy, death. He dropped the gun onto the counter, arm, still extended, and stood like a statue for what seemed like hours. What am I going to do? There's no way he'll let us go now! We're gonna be held as hostages for god knows how long! We'll be lucky to survive!

I'm gonna miss my favorite reality show. Because of a bottle of damn green tea.

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

aliceedelweiss

Hey

After this sentence, you have a description of the man that I really didn't understand what you meant by it till you said he looked tough. Maybe you could come up with some other way to describe him?

This makes no sense because you say "there were only four people in the store" and I assume you and the kids are apart of that. Maybe if you said, "There were four people in the store, not including myself and the two kids, which made seven."

They or he?

The plot is really good, though I guessed right away "It's going to be robbed." It was kind of a set up, the wifes pissed, he goes into the gas station, so what happens? Life threatening event. but, it was still good.

Some of it was hard to understand what was going on, it didn't flow and at times I got confused...I think if you cleaned it up, read over it to make sure it made sense, it would be really good. There is more to this yes? I'd love to see more soon.

Alice

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Vulgar`

"Alright!" I shouted across the gas pumps, finally trying to cease the public argument, "I'm getting your damn green tea!" My wife gave me the finger as I turned brusquely towards the gas stations entrance.

^Hahahaha..

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When I'm on the skytrain headed for the centersphere

Rapflava.com

LoneWolf

Hola,

I liked this story. It was kind of sad but it just shows how unpredictable life can be. I was a bit confused as well...I dunno, it didn't really feel finished. The guy doesn't actually get shot, and the gun is dropped on the counter. The end is just a presumption that he will die, but from what I can gather from the content I don't think he will die. Maybe be hostages, but not die.

Anyways, aside from that I thought it was nicely written. A few grammar probs but nothing major. Keep up the good work and I'll look out for more of your work. Thanks for the read!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

ProudestMonkey

thanks for your comments guys. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I changed his 'last thoughts' in the piece again.

anyone else like to critique?

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

Atom

Hey i read this a while ago and forgot to reply. I enjoyed the story. Good writing and dialogue. My only complaint is that it didn't feel finished. Once the guy dropped the gun on the counter couldn't the main character just take him down or grab the gun? Either way, i would have like to see some more of the story.

__________________
I wear my scars like the rings of a pimp

Short Stories:
You Believe Me Right?
The Gallows
Hospital Visit
The Hitchhiker
Knocks
The Nuthouse

I return favors.

patthager

I think it was well set up. You have a lot of good description, but you could add a little some places. Some things: you could tell the locations of the gas station, give more description to Tweak before he shoots (the stuff you have is good, but you could describe him more generally, like how he walks), and flesh out the immidiate reaction to the gun-shot.

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God is fighting on both sides of his never ending war, Lucifer is stuck in the middle with ME

ProudestMonkey

thanks guys! im glad you're enjoying it! I'll try and make some of the changes you've prescribed and see how they go...

anyone else?

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

Fantasy of You

it was well written, besides from the obvious attempts to say big words which just make it read strangely i like your style of writing and the bit about the people in the store it cofusing.. i did understand about the guy's expression and i thought beginning the story as you did was good

your guy didnt seem the panicking sort.. but he shits (sorry)himself at the end.. seems a bit contradicting even though he just saw the dude get his body blown up.

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It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

ProudestMonkey

thank you very much! ive made a few changes..whats the verdict?

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

Fantasy of You

[x5]

__________________
It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

ProudestMonkey

Updated! Finally!

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.