Genge

Hi, I'm new on this forum
This is a short fantasy story. Does this work as a beguinning?


On the eve of the battle, I heard the Gong from the lone turret on the temple. It is a very large gong and the sound vibrated off the round bells that suround it, through the metal fittings on the city's walls and the warriors armour, making noblings spears and peasant hoes quiver alike. If you were touching the ground that day you must have felt it, from your bare feet, up your thin, fat, agile, or decrepit legs, through your loins (may you always keep them) and on to your stomach, your heart, maybe your vocal cords. If you opened your mouth at that moment you might have exhaled a perceptible - ahhh- a reflex sound, a sigh of death and probable defeat. In my case, the vibration stopped at my loins, or what is left of them. I do not think it was because of my obsession with that missing part of my anatomy although sometimes the lack of something is more defining than its presence, but that the missing link stopped the chain reaction, my body could relay the sound no further and it died there, with my unborn children and my weakness.

Chris Miller

I was prepared to think this would be shit. So many of these types of things are idea-less rip-offs. Your missing posessive apostrophes also put me in mind not to like it. But then... then... HOLY CRAP! That was great! I would most definitely read on. You need a little hlep with punctuation maybe, but you have the most important and difficult to obtain thing in writing: ideas. And a pretty poetic ear too imo.


"the warriors armour"
warriors'

noblings=noblings'
peasant = peasants' (to stay in parallel)

Actually that's it. It seemed like more the first read. Very well worded and phrased. Very strong first person narrator presence. Beautiful ending. This is the best intro I have ever read here. Is there more?

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Audrey

I agree - I was completely unprepared for how clever this paragraph actually is. It hints at a future plot, gives us a setting, and already begins to develop the character. More than that, it's witty and really very intelligent. A fabulous intro to what I hope will be a just-as-fabulous story.

Quick question - is there a purpose to the capitalization of 'Gong?' It could be perfectly legitimate, but right now it seems a bit like a typo, especially since the second 'gong' is not capitalized.

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kikumbob

Its amazingly interesting and different. Its what I would call old style writing. Please, keep writing. Theres really not a great dealto talk about in a small paragraph like that.

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Fantasy of You

as a piece of writing i would have to say it was merely standard.. as a piece of fantasy, it is poor.. there is a small market for this type of fantasy writing.. also the style of writing does not appeal to me (which shouldn't really matter considering other people's opinion) and it seems to waffle.. alot...
dont switch tense

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