mandax

Off Topic:

Keep in mind that I just finished this minutes ago and have not edited it yet. I just want your thoughs on the original piece. Thanks. ^^

“That’d be four tickets,” mumbled the tall, lanky carnie. Jaime handed him the tickets and stepped onto the cart. She sat in the two-seater contraption as the carnie latched the door shut. In a few moments, the cart jerked forward and up as the Ferris wheel rotated. The wind tossed her chestnut-colored hair and brought a chilly atmosphere to the night. She was alone, bundled up in a sweater and hugging herself to keep warm. She had met up with friends occasionally, but they had all left by this hour, and the last thing she wanted to do was return home. The cart paused at the very top and swung gently as the breeze tossed it about. Jaime looked out over the side, watching the tiny dots scrambling around the fairgrounds and the rides swinging, twirling, and exerting.

A sigh escaped her lips, a sigh that no one but herself heard. Giggles and shouts from the nearby carts were audible. I should have invited him. Her right elbow was on the cart’s side door, and her chin rested on her fist. She gazed out, not paying attention to detail, but soaking in the vague picture.

There was another shift forward and another lap was made. These sudden transitions made her uneasy. Her steady posture would always be thrown into a hasty, cautioned position when the cart moved without warning.

The cart eased to a stop at the peak once again. She raised an eyebrow – it wasn’t typical that the same cart ends up at the top twice in a row. Shrugging, she returned to her people-watching, or rather, dot-watching.

Minutes passed. She yawned. Another minute passed. Am I stuck up here? She had been watching the carnival’s activity for nearly seven minutes now. Glancing over the side, she noticed that the carnie was standing still as if nothing was wrong. Actually, he was standing perfectly still. Not a limb on his body moved. She looked up and saw a frozen portrait of St. Elizabeth’s carnival. Nothing moved, or even so much as quivered. Her eyes widened.

“Greetings!” said a mysterious voice that was too close and distinct to have been imagined. Her head automatically snapped to her left where the formerly empty seat resided. Now, however, there was a man sitting there, with a stubble dark enough to be considered a 10 o’clock shadow. The hair atop his head was dark as well, as were his eyes. They were eerie contrasts to his pale skin. He smiled a charming smile and gestured for her to be quiet as she started to shriek. He placed his hand over her mouth to silence her and scooted closer, whispering in her ear.

“My dear, there’s no use in yelling. Time has stopped, as you can probably tell. Now, when I move my hand, you’ll be quiet, right?”

She nodded.

“Good.” He moved his hand. She remained reticent while slowly backing as far from him as she could until she was uncomfortably pressing against the metal side.

“You must be wondering what in bloody hell is going on, correct?” he inquired. She nodded again.

“Yes, that’s expected. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m the angel of death.”

Her eyes were still abnormally wide. She listened intently, gaping.

“Speechless? Understandable. Well, here’s the scoop. You’re going to die. I know, you’re frightened, I get it. Just don’t freak out yet. You have one minute to tell me what you want to say to your loved ones, and I’ll make sure they get the message. Capeesh?”

She stared, shivering.

“C’mon, darling, you’re wasting time.”

Her mouth opened, but no words came out. Her heart was beating overwhelmingly fast. She could feel pressure against her ribcage and her veins. Her entire body pulsated. The Angel of Death put his hands on her shoulders and began to shake her, almost violently, as if to snap her out of her trance of fear.

“Hurry up!” he demanded.

They sat, face-to-face, his disposition now intense and urgent, hers still vulnerable and desperate.

“I…uh…tell, tell my parents that I-I love them. I l-love them very much.” As she stuttered, stinging tears met her eyes. “And tell my sister…that…I’m sorry for being so m-mean.”

She became silent and The Angel stared.

“Is that all?” he asked.

“And…”

He watched.

“Tell Ryan that I’ve always loved him…that he’s always been more than a best friend to me.”

She was sobbing now, no longer holding back. Her whimpering escalated into a loud, hysterical crying. Her body ached and her muscles contracted as her sobs intensified. The Angel looked on, dread in his eyes. He put an empathetic hand on her shoulder.

“Jaime, you’re not going to die,” he reassured her. She looked up into his dark eyes as hope returned in hers.

“I’m actually the Angel of Love. You know…Cupid?”

Her crying became lighter until her moist cheeks were not met with any more tears.

“I’m so terribly sorry I had to do this to you, but sometimes death helps us live.”

Her glossy eyes finally narrowed, and she sank into her seat, staring at the bottom of the cart. She forced herself to take deep breaths to stifle her sniffles. She let out a gasp when the cart was put into motion. Cupid had disappeared, and the world was alive once again – a world she was afraid of.


“Jaime!” a young man yelled from a distance.

Jaime saw Ryan approaching her. Her heart raced.

“I’ve missed you! I haven’t seen you in so long. Why is that?”

“I don’t know,” she answered meekly. They stood together in a park the day after Cupid’s visit. She looked down at her shoes that she scraped nervously on the cobblestones.

“Jaime, has something been bothering you? You seem different.”

She raised her head so their eyes could meet, and the only words she could bring herself to say were, “I’m fine. I’m sorry.”

He smiled and embraced her as one last tear escaped her eye.

aliceedelweiss

I liked it, a lot, but I give huge warning to you and anyone else who is listening!!! NEVER post any piece of work onto the forum without having gone over it at least twice to make sure it is the best! I go over my works almost a whole day. If you've already edited it some, that'll save you from typos, spelling errors, anything silly that would make you look armature.

Now, having said that, I found none in this piece. The dialog made is very suspenseful, but until then it was very flat. You should work on creating a voice for yourself, a particular way of writing. I also think if your descriptions were a little more...in depth and less obvious it would help the creepy-ness cause.

Quote:

She could feel pressure against her ribcage and her veins. Her entire body pulsated.

Like this, if this was some other description it would sound better(not that this one doesn't sound good) 'she felt like her ribcage was being riped out, as if a lonely demon who had passed over with the angel was attempting to pull out her lungs and eat them for lunch' you know? anything less general than 'pressure'.

I think you should also make the transition from 'carnival' to 'park' better. mention it before the dialog because until I read this: "They stood together in a park the day after..." I thought they were still at the carnival and they were yelling for ferris wheel to ground O.o

Overall, good piece. It could use some work and become something really amazing. (personally, I can't stand the happy ending. I would have loved to see Ryan crying at her funeral because she died, but I'm morbid, and cupid was a nice touch) All the stuff with the angels is what I really like. maybe get into how they look, their wings? halos? A light-glow of God? oh I just notice something, did we ever hear what Jamie looked like? Fix that too. Or Ryan? Fix that. Character descriptions help the audience become more attached.

Sorry for so much, I felt the need...
Alice

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mandax

Thanks for the advice, Alice. ^^ It's surely helpful.