The Hitchhiker (683 words) - Writers Forum

Atom · 06-07-2006, 06:58 PM

A large white and red truck with the word “ Medicorp” painted on both sides slowed down and pulled over on the deserted highway. Juan Vega adjusted his hat nervously on the side of the road and made a gesture of appreciation to the driver. He heaved his garbage bag of possessions into the passenger seat of the truck. The driver was sporting a Dodgers baseball cap and stunk of body odor.
“ Thank you, thank you for picking me up sir.”
“ No problemo man. No problemo . What’s your name anyways?” the driver said extending a sweaty hand out to him.
“ Juan Vega, sir. Eh- your name is?”
“ Call me Buck.” Buck said, starting the truck and driving back onto the Interstate.
The road ahead was surrounded by desert sand and small shrubs, typical California terrain. Buck had been driving trucks for over ten years in California alone.
“Ya know” Buck continued, elbowing Juan in the shoulder. “ My wife hates me picking up hitchhikers. But, heh- I just like the company.”
“ I see.”
Buck’s hand slipped and he swerved, but managing to catch himself, he straightened his course . He took a noisy slurp out of his coffee mug, undaunted by the sudden interruption.
“ So…where you goin?’ he asked Juan, nudging his shoulder.
“ Eh- wherever you can take me, sir.”
Buck opened his mouth and gave a hearty laugh “You’re a Mexican ain’t ya? A drifter too.”
“ Yes, sir.” the hitchhiker answered solemnly, nodding his head.
“ Ain’t got no visa?”
“ No, sir.”
“ Well, that’s fine by me. I know you gotta make a living. I’ve picked up illegal immigrants before.”
“ Thank you, sir."
Dusk quickly took place, and nearing total darkness, Buck pointed to a sign and said, “ Look. San Jose. Only seventy five more miles. There’s our stop.”
Juan only nodded and Buck continued. “ Wanna know something cool? I deliver bodies. There’s a body back there in the truck.”
" Eh- there a person back there? Why we not hear him?”
Buck laughed. “ Your serious? Man’s dead. Wrapped in a yellow bag. The company I work for sells em to scientists.”
“ Oh, I see.”
Buck shook his head and muttered under his breath, “ Damn idiot doesn’t understand a word I say.”
Time elapsed and this time Juan interrupted the silence.
“ So, sir. For each body-eh- you bring , they pay you?
“ Yup. Just show em my badge from Medicorp. See right here.” Buck showed a white card in a plastic casing with Buck’s name and other information.”
“ There’s no picture, sir?”
“ Guess not.”
“ I see. I see.”
Buck took an exit off the highway and approached an empty parking lot for a large one story building. “ Here’s our stop.”
* * * * *
A man in a white lab coat opened the truck doors and looked at the driver. The driver helped the man take the two bodies out of the truck.
“ You know, you don’t look like a Buck, to be honest.”
“Eh- Here’s my eh badge, sir.”
“ Well alright ” the man said, unzipping the bag. “ Woah! This guy still has his clothes on, how did that happen?”
“I only drive the truck, sir.” Juan answered, shrugging his shoulders.
The man paid Juan in crisp hundred dollar bills. The Mexican’s eyes sparkled.
“ Thank you, sir. I still get to ride the truck?”
The man in the lab suit gave the driver a strange look, but then chuckled. “ Of course.”
“If your company has any more bodies, just send them over whenever you can.”
“Yes, sir. I bring you bodies.”
Juan left the man looking puzzled, and hopped into the drivers seat. The floor was covered in sun-bathed blood. The driver put his badge into his pocket and check the rearview mirror. After a few moments, he set the truck into drive and steered back onto the road.

Chris Miller · 06-07-2006, 08:49 PM

Interesting idea. Can't say I didn't see the switch coming. But wouldn't he have had two bodies?

Might split up paragraphs with white space.

aliceedelweiss · 06-07-2006, 10:08 PM

I agree with chriss, that was very easy to catch. But, interesting none the less I suppose.
Alice

Atom · 06-07-2006, 11:44 PM

Thanks for the comments, just post a link here if you want a favor returned.

ProudestMonkey · 06-08-2006, 12:24 AM

The dialogue seems a little forced and unimaginative, but it was a good - though predictable - story. You might think of fixing it up a bit to place more surprise into the plot. Good work!

Atom · 06-08-2006, 02:40 PM

Thanks for the feed

Genge · 06-08-2006, 03:53 PM

Good, but predictable. How about giving it another twist? Imagine Buck kills the mexican? that would explain why he takes in hitch-hikers. Or he tries to but the mexican is a good fighter and kills buck, then he would cash in on the two bodies.
The dialogue felt forced.
It's kind of a cliché: good ol' american truck driver gets killed by illegal inmigrant... you might want to tweak it and see what happens

Jimbob · 06-08-2006, 11:47 PM

Atom,
Good story, but the ending seems a little too abrupt to be believable. Buck pulls up to the warehouse, Juan kills him, puts him in the back of the truck, and steals his badge without anyone noticing. I think I'd have Buck pull over to the side of the road and go into the bushes to take a leak, or something before they get to the warehouse.

Atom · 06-11-2006, 08:26 AM

While writing the story i thought it would be surprising that Juan killed Buck. I guess i need to make some changes if i want the reader to be surprised.

semtecks · 06-12-2006, 10:11 AM

I thought that was funnny, but dark, kind of like Fargo. I got the twist a little early but I think the way it ends -- with the hint that Juan's going to go out killing people to bring back bodies -- is a strong enough ending anyway.

Atom · 06-13-2006, 08:37 AM

Thanks. I was wondering if anyone understood that hint at the end.

Atom · 06-15-2006, 01:28 PM

Any feedback is appreciated.

Daniel Malone · 06-15-2006, 07:06 PM

I like this one also. You have some good ideas and with a little development you could get them published.

I would consider changing my avatar. I don't know why I said that.

Below link is a story I posted here awhile back. If you have the time, read it and tell me what you think.
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=57620

Atom · 06-15-2006, 07:10 PM

Thanks for the compliment. I think that i have good ideas but my writing talent is mediocre. I'm going to read your story tommorow because im really really tired.... but expect some good feedback

Soul Ink · 06-22-2006, 01:40 PM

Wow, this is an amazing short story; one of the best I've read online. At first, I didn't get the switch, but it's genius.

This is awesome, man. I can't say enough about this.