The Hitchhiker (683 words) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Soul Ink · 06-22-2006, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genge

Good, but predictable. How about giving it another twist? Imagine Buck kills the mexican? that would explain why he takes in hitch-hikers. Or he tries to but the mexican is a good fighter and kills buck, then he would cash in on the two bodies.
The dialogue felt forced.
It's kind of a cliché: good ol' american truck driver gets killed by illegal inmigrant... you might want to tweak it and see what happens

I didn't think it was predictable. I was thinking all along that the mexican was going to be the one that got killed.

Atom · 06-22-2006, 02:39 PM

Hey thanks for the feedback, if you want to read more of my short stories you can see the names in my sig, just search em.

Sock · 07-01-2006, 01:09 AM

hehe, I liked this story. It reminds me of a story I posted on here a while back, actaully shares the same title. Check it out:

http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=53867

Same setting. Similar driver. Different direction. Couldn' quite finish it though.

Sparx · 07-01-2006, 03:33 AM

I thought the dialogue was a little forced and the ending didn't seem believeable to me. Why did Juan suddenly kill Buck? You didn't give enough development to show us, the reader, Juans character and what would lead him to kill Buck. Also, at one point you switch tenses as well but apart from that, its a pretty good, well-written story.

Atom · 07-01-2006, 01:28 PM

Juan killed Buck for the money. In the end i showed that Juan was going to kill more people for an easy living. I actually was going to title this "the land of oppurtunity"

Juan didn't speak english good, that's why you couldnt see his personality very well. I wanted to keep him mysterious anyways.

Arin · 07-02-2006, 11:21 PM

I liked it. Morbidly amusing. Not funny, but just kind of amusing. ::shrug:: But I think you should at least hint at how Juan killed Buck. The person who said you should have Buck pull over to pee in the bushes had a good idea. Then you can just hint at Juan coming up behind him or whatever. Something like that. Otherwise, I think it's a nice little bite of a story.