Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-07-2006, 06:56 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Gender: Female
Posts: 20
writergirl1418 is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to writergirl1418
Post Memoir of a horse show

It was the day of my horse compettion, and I was getting anxious. My stomach was doing flip flops. I was at home and it was about 4 'o' clock. I had alot of homework, but I was too excited to do any of it. I decided that I would go to the barn early and help get it ready for the show. The competiton was being held at the Midway College, so that is where I went. It was right down the road after all. I put on my dirty barn boots, my blue jeans, an old tee-shirt, and my gray hoodie. When I got outside, I was even more nervous than I was inside.
It was a rainy day. I wasnt worried about the rain though. I was more worried about the cold that froze my blood and numbed my hands, so I put my hands in the pocket in the front of my hoodie. It was like a forcefeild aginst the clod. It was colder than it should have been. I clutched my hoodie as a childwould clutch a blanket. I pulled up my hood, an started walking. It was alot colder than I thought it would be. I thought about getting gloves, but my feingers always slipped on the reigns when I wore them. When I got to the barn, it was bussy with people everywhere. I was early by at least two hours and it was getting colder by the seccond. I decided to walk around to keep myself warm from the freezing cold. I was so cold, what else could go wrong?
Things ran smoothly for a while. Finally it was time for my first event! The event was "Walk, trot, canter. My horse, Shonaz, was usually fast with a canter and hard to slow down without stopping. I was so nervous, I though I would throw up. I mounted while someone adjusted my stirrups, and tightened the girth on my horse. I wa ready to go. The Leather in the reighns felt soft on my almos numb hands; there was a steam rolling off my horse's back. We went on the rail at two people in the middle called out commands. I walked. I trotted! I cantered!! I felt like I waswafting on air. To even my supprise, I kept a steady canter. It was to much fun! When we were told to line up so that they could announce the placing winners, my heart felt like it would pound out of my chest. I felt my hands shaking, as my stomach turrned. I wished my Dad were there instead of in Erlanger for church. At that momment I realized that the Lords will, will be done, and me winning and writing about this part of his plan. I heard my name called whileI was thinking all of this. I was called for seccond place! I was so in shock I forgot everything I had been thinking except God. I dismounted and took Shonaz outside and showed Mom my ribbon with pride. She kissed me on the forhead and said how well I had done, as I whiped the lipstick off my cheek. We went out to the car until my next event. Mom had brought me an extra pair of socks. I put them on; my feet warmed. I felt my foot for the first time in the last hour.
Finally it was time for my final event- Jumping. I mounted, outside this time, and walkedmy horse slowly into the barn. When inside, someone walked me through the pattern. I was realy nervous this time. I overcame my nervousness and went into the arena and circled at a trot,and picked up a canter. I did the first and seccond jump and circled again at the other side of the arena. I did two more jumps and won seccond place! My mind was not on the ribbon though. My mind was on how awseome God was for makinghorses. My heart, still raceing, made me feel so excited I could barely breath. I knew that God would have made horses even if I were the only one that liked them. I said a quick prayer and went home to finnish all that homework that sat piled up at home waiting for me.
__________________
"I got the message long before you said you knew, there was no chance of us at all...."
My favorite accident
by Motion city soundtrack

writergirl1418 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2006, 10:10 PM   #2
Addict
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The corner of the world
Gender: Female
Posts: 177
Haruka
Well, first off, please change the font size to a bigger one, it's a bit hard to read it like that and please separate paragraph for an easier read.

I ride, but despite that and this being a horse story it struck me as boring. I don't really feel the pressure when you ride or the excitement when you win. I understand that this is a short story and thus you have to stick to a certain number of words, but this would be a more powerful piece if you stuck with a single event.

The part were you first mount to the part were you win is enough, try describing only that part (making sure you SHOW, don't tell) and it might be more interesting.

EDIT

Also, you're abusing the "I" at the beginning of most sentences. Don't. Try to find another way to start them or take away the periods and put some sentences together for better flow.
__________________
"What do you think this is!?!?! NARUTO!?!?!"
"No. Inuyasha"

Last edited by Haruka : 06-07-2006 at 10:16 PM.
Haruka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2006, 11:22 PM   #3
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Les Etats-Unis
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,568
aliceedelweiss
Send a message via AIM to aliceedelweiss Send a message via MSN to aliceedelweiss Send a message via Yahoo to aliceedelweiss
I agree with Haruka on the "I" thing, for sure. In this piece you used the word "I" 55 times. Change up your sentences, be creative.
Alice
__________________

aliceedelweiss is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:13 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers