three little stars - Writers Forum

writergirl1418 · 06-06-2006, 03:36 PM

let me know what you think of this peice. It was for a school thing, but it's a good read i think. I could do better than that now though. It's a chaper from a book I tried to write.

Sigur Rós · 06-06-2006, 03:58 PM

Great story I love it. Reminds me of The Never Ending Story for some reason... anyways you said you can write better now. You should probally try to re-write what you have of the book or well to an extint if you admire the story.

ProudestMonkey · 06-06-2006, 04:03 PM

Copy and paste what you have in that document into your post. It makes it more easily accessible to people.

aliceedelweiss · 06-06-2006, 04:15 PM

I have to admit I'm one who doesn't really like having to go somewhere else to read (or the fact that the font wasn't always easy to read) but I read it anyway.

It was alright, some typos and stuff.

Quote:

Dark unicorns could, differentiate between pure and unclean better than unicorns, they could also, poison water, and shape shift.
---
Then it hit her, no more than hit her, it slammed into her, she remembered, unicorns can fly, if it’s at night and in the wood’s, no one would be able to catch them, let alone see them.
---
It was already cold enough, but the rain was so beautiful, though cold, and it was purifying almost, Shella was afraid to do anything but hold onto Pitters mane.

In all three sections you overused commas and could have written the passages differently. They all seem cluttered and they don't flow.

Quote:

But that feeling passed[get rid of the period and just continue the sentence] and she remembered that she had to find her grandmother soon, or she would be gone for another year.

thats all I caught. The plot didn't really catch me and Shella seemed kind of like a thin character but...you said you could do better, and it was for school so its understandable.

One thing I would do if you plan on rewriting this, is telling us what Shella looks like so we can better understand her.

Alice

writergirl1418 · 06-06-2006, 06:58 PM

see... this was the third chapter. I thought I had a little thing at the beggining telling what had happened in the past two chapters, but apparently i hadnt. I will do annother draft, and repost it for those of you who liked the story.

bobothegoat · 06-07-2006, 12:23 AM

I must echo the comment on commas. THe best advice on commas might be to avoid using them whenever possible. I disagree with the comment that the character should be described. I think the unicorn could use some good description, but I'd prefer a minimalist approach and don't do too much about describing the physical appearance of Shella. I don't think it's important, and allows the reader to impose their own image onto the character. If anything, it could make more people connect with your character.

Fleshing her out is still, of course, recommended. I just think it's better that you sculpt her character rather than her body. Something else I noted was:

Quote:

“I love the rain!” said Pitter enthusiastically, as he did back flip’s that made Shella’s stomach turn.

First off, I don't think you need to say "enthusiastically." While it's often tempting to want to describe how people are saying or doing something, it's very often better to just use a basic "she said." This just reminds the reader who's talking. The dialogue can often speak for itself.

In this case, it's also because Pitters is doing backflips (while he's talking; I'll get back to you on that though). It's assumed that, if he's doing backflips, he's probably being enthusiastic. Plus, it's atypical to say you love something in a sullen manner...

The other issue with this particular section is that it states that Pitters is doing backflips while he's talking, rather than stating that he's talking and then doing backflips to emphasize his love of the rain. I think you intended the first one more though, at least in how I assume it's supposed to be envisioned. It does this in a few other instances as well, but I think you can find them.

It was a bit disorienting at first, since it was part three like you said. Once I got in far enough though, it was easy enough to follow and it read fairly well. Nothing in it really made me want to gouge my eyes out. There was also some instances of fairly good dialogue, at least in it seeming pretty believable for the age of the character that I guessed (I assumed Shella can't be older than ten).

Hope it helps, and thank you for posting.

writergirl1418 · 06-07-2006, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobothegoat

I must echo the comment on commas. THe best advice on commas might be to avoid using them whenever possible. I disagree with the comment that the character should be described. I think the unicorn could use some good description, but I'd prefer a minimalist approach and don't do too much about describing the physical appearance of Shella. I don't think it's important, and allows the reader to impose their own image onto the character. If anything, it could make more people connect with your character.

Fleshing her out is still, of course, recommended. I just think it's better that you sculpt her character rather than her body. Something else I noted was:

First off, I don't think you need to say "enthusiastically." While it's often tempting to want to describe how people are saying or doing something, it's very often better to just use a basic "she said." This just reminds the reader who's talking. The dialogue can often speak for itself.

In this case, it's also because Pitters is doing backflips (while he's talking; I'll get back to you on that though). It's assumed that, if he's doing backflips, he's probably being enthusiastic. Plus, it's atypical to say you love something in a sullen manner...

The other issue with this particular section is that it states that Pitters is doing backflips while he's talking, rather than stating that he's talking and then doing backflips to emphasize his love of the rain. I think you intended the first one more though, at least in how I assume it's supposed to be envisioned. It does this in a few other instances as well, but I think you can find them.

It was a bit disorienting at first, since it was part three like you said. Once I got in far enough though, it was easy enough to follow and it read fairly well. Nothing in it really made me want to gouge my eyes out. There was also some instances of fairly good dialogue, at least in it seeming pretty believable for the age of the character that I guessed (I assumed Shella can't be older than ten).

Hope it helps, and thank you for posting.

shella is 14... she is carcastic and moodey. She is affraid to grow up. She likes to spend her time alone usually or with those who know her best, those who she can trust. She does not trust easily, so you can see the need for carcasm. She has lost her father, and has just had a dream about the grandmother she beleived to be dead. Her mother is the enemy. She knows tha shella has found the world that she tried to bannish her grandmother from... and she doesent like it. She tries to stop shella from becoming a threat at any cost... even killing her.

if that give you a better perspective.

bobothegoat · 06-07-2006, 05:33 PM

I see. My assumption was based largely on a few sections where Pitter talked to Shella in a way that made it seem like she was much younger. I suppose it could be just comparitive age though.

The desciption of Shella looks good, but your readers aren't going to have the benefit of reading it. Hopefully the first sections, as well as later chapters, will show (as opposed to telling) what Shella is like and how she will change.

Sorry for misunderstanding your character though.

writergirl1418 · 06-07-2006, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobothegoat

I see. My assumption was based largely on a few sections where Pitter talked to Shella in a way that made it seem like she was much younger. I suppose it could be just comparitive age though.

The desciption of Shella looks good, but your readers aren't going to have the benefit of reading it. Hopefully the first sections, as well as later chapters, will show (as opposed to telling) what Shella is like and how she will change.

Sorry for misunderstanding your character though.

it's k