Ben Greenhalgh

Customer service: The Bell


Since you last left me, at my satanic place of work, things I’m afraid to say have only got worse.

My friend has deserted me so I now have to do all the jobs around the park. I also have only myself in the way of hundreds of customers after my blood. Unfortunately I have only been going for martial arts lessons for a week or so and I have yet to face another week before I learned the kick of disembowelment.

At the moment, though I have trained myself to deal with them. I have found it’s just like training a lion. Thus it should now be the customers who live in fear.

I regret to inform you over the past week that have become an “I couldn’t give a damn anymore coffee shop worker”. It’s a disease that no customer wants a coffee shop worker to have.

Anyway I shall carry on with my tale. The devils who run the park decided to give me a box a few weeks ago I have not opened it yet as I fear all of the evils of the world will be released and it will be named not Pandora’s Box but Ben the coffee shop worker’s box.
I shall open it in three days so if you die…IT WAS ME!

3days
2days
1day

Day of reckoning….

…A bell. It’s worse than I imagined.

Only a week has passed since my “present” arrived and I have already decided it to be my mission…no… quest to kill every bell maker the world has.
Yesterday I was sitting on my stool with only 1 leg (my present from last year) when a shuffle of heavy footsteps could be heard from outside followed by a shrill deafening...

DING!

I of course being now the “I couldn’t give a damn anymore coffee shop worker” decided to ignore it.

DING! DING!

Again the sound of the customers impending death was sounding.
I did not hear a bell for four whole seconds.
He must have got bored and gone to bother someone else.

Then it happened, a high pitched whistle sounded throughout the room.
I stormed out of the room and in a calm voice stated:

“Excuse me sir I’m afraid you’re not allowed dogs in the park”

He looked at me and slowly said “I don’t have a dog”

“But sir I heard you whistling”

Again with the same look, “I was calling you”

I looked at him and looked then at the bell “what about that bell sir”

Now he was becoming angry. You could tell his voice was faster pitched and more tone was put into the words “I DID use the bell”

“Well sir I have to say it wasn’t very loud maybe you should get something louder... I’ll tell you what you go and get something louder and then I’ll come out”

I thus disappeared to my where my stool was propped, took three sips of my coffee and was sent home.

There is a certain satisfaction to being witty with people because even though I got sent home he didn’t get his coffee or tea. HAHA POWER!!

The next day was a little more productive…for me…the ice-cream machine is still working you’ll be glad to know so I kept myself busy with that.

The time was about 4 O’clock and I was ready for some lunch. As I was about to sit down to eat, what God can only describe as leftovers out of a hospital, a woman with her three children approached. As I was helping her with her coffee, which I make around the back out of site of the customers, I could hear;

DING
DING
DING!!!

I peered round as if investigating a foul smell and I could see two tuffty looking heads rather like two coconuts at a fair ground…unfortunately I had nothing to throw at them!
I walked up and peered over the counter

looking up in shock were two little boys.

“It was him”

The other looking bemused yet slightly frightened “nahhhhhh it was you, tell tale!!”

As I went back behind to collect the woman’s coffee.

DING

DING, DING, DING!!

I walked out, gave the lady her coffee, looked at the boys with a stare that could kill a elephant, picked up the bell, opened the window, placed the bell with a certain amount of velocity out of the window (threw it) and returned staring once again at my ‘food’

I was thus swiftly sent home.

But for all their searching they couldn’t find my ‘present’… and they never will.

Chris Miller

Hey Ben,

You write well. Not much grammatically wrong.

Humor is a pretty subjective call, but not totally. Personally, I think your tendency towards raging over-exaggeration cuts into the natural anecdotal humor. It comes across to me as trying too hard and sort of kills it. You at least need to distinguish between your crazed thoughts and what is really happening.

You have the ability to take a mundane job/situation and present it in an interesting and sometimes funny way. That is the writer’s skill. I’d say try to be a little more observant and subtle and real, and don’t try so hard to be funny. That way you will be even funnier. Just my opinion.

customers = customer's (when possesive)

fair ground = fairground

an elephant

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Ben Greenhalgh

Thanks for the feedback Chris

i'll try and take that onboard when i complete the next one.

aliceedelweiss

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Ben Greenhalgh

Will do