Soul Ink

Read in parts, or read the whole thing all at once, if you'd like.
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I ran from it with my heart pumping out of my chest and my feet thumping heavily against the solid, concrete pavement. It was the physical scene that I ran from, but there was a larger, more menacing scene that my feet labored that much harder to evade. It was the scene of the memory in my mind that replayed what had just happened in sharp, uncompromising detail. The same memory that relentlessly stalked me with every step that I took towards forgetting and escape. After what seemed like 10 minutes of the hardest running that I'd done in my life, I made it home, bursting through the front door of my apartment and passing out on the living room floor.

I a woke at 5 A.M in a cold sweat. Damp bed sheets clung to my lower body like a magnetic attraction, and I felt as if beads of perspiration filled every pore on my face. Directly behind my bed is a wall, and approximately 3 feet above my bed's head rest is a window. At that time in the morning, the sound of the howling wind that blew through that window sent chills through every bone in my body. As I lay in bed wit my mind shaking, I looked out across the wooden floor of my bedroom. In the grayish darkness of the early morning, long lines of shadows stretched across the floor and walls. I had never before taken a particularily close notice to shadows in the dark, but at that very moment, I did. All I could think about as I stared at them was just how sinister they looked. The longer I stared at the shadows, the more I wanted to silence the feeling of dread that was building up in the room. To do so, I figured that the best thing to do was to draw the curtains to eliminate some of the shadows. However as 5 minutes passed, I was unable to muster enough courage to standup to complete the task. It wasn't until I berated myself for being so childish that I finally got up to draw the curtains. When I did, I caught a quick glimpse of the parking lot across from my apartment. "That wasn't so bad," I thought to myself. "God, what in the hell has gotten into me? I'm 35 and I'm acting like a damn baby." As I resettled back into my bed, I thought about the parking lot and about how tranquile it looked in the early morning. The images of the quiet, sleeping cars covered in dew came to my mind; and as the other images of the parking lot filled like photgraphic memory, one particular figure stood out from the rest. Slowly it filled in, and when I began to realize what it was that I had also fainly seen in those few seconds of starting out into the parking lot, I started to scream hysterically. Almost simultaneously as I screamed, the phone began to ring.

I tripped over my night stand as I ran towards the ringing phone. Stumbling to my feet, I finally made it to the phone on its third ring.
"Hello," I said.
"Hey, Jack, it's nice of you to finally pick up. Where the hell have you been?" I wiped a large amount of sweat off my forehead and then looked through the curtains once again. This time, however, what I had thought I had seen was no longer there.
"Sorry, Pete, I guess I've just been really busy, you know?"
"Maybe, Jack, maybe... Hey, I tried calling you several times yesterday, but you never picked up. And what's with the coughing, man? You sound awful." I re-positioned the phone to my other ear and coughed some phlegm into a tissue. "You know, I talked to your Russian thing, haha...you know, Sandra? Well, she said that she saw you partying it up at Ross's Starmeet last night. But Jack, you outta really take some medicine if you don't feel soo..."
"Pete, shut up for Christ sakes. Listen to me for a minute. I've had an insane dream......Are you still there?
"Ah huh, go on."
"Well, it's like this.........."
"God, that's absolutely awful, Jack. What in the hell could make you dream something like that?"
"That's what I've been asking myself, Pete. Hey, hold on, o.k. there's someone on the other line."
"Alright." I clicked to the other line and casually said,
"Hello, who's this? Ah huh... Well, ok, give me a few. I'll get ready and make my way over," and then, I clicked back to Pete and said, "Hey, buddy, there's someone that I've gotta meet up with soon."
"Alright, Jack. Just no more strange dreams, o.k? Hahaha. Talk to you later, bye."

After hanging the phone up, I threw on some sweatpants and a light hoody. I looked down at my watch, 5:30, and then walked over to my bathroom mirror. There, I gave my face an inspection, checking for any signs of razor bumps, but all I could think of was the thing that I had seen as I stared out into the parking lot. "God, what in the hell?" I said out loud to myself. I shook my head in disbelief, grabbed my car keys off the kitchen counter, and then walked out into the chilly September morning.

10 minutes went by as I drove through waking streets in the premature early-morning light. After taking a right onto the road that leads to the town lake, I spotted the parking lot of the warehouse. Pulling into the parking lot, I could just barely make out the silhouete of the man that I was to meet in the far distance. I drove up besides him and exited my car. "Quite a nice car you have there, Mr.Henderson. '67 Corvette, that's one of the all-time classics. I'm Paul Mussio." He extended his right hand, and I shook it. "If you'd enter the limousine, here, we'll be on our way."
Inside of the limousine, two large men dressed in jet black suits and dark subglasses were seated at each end of the side seats. They did not look to be much of the talking type, so I simply said, "So, I'm taking it that you two are the other chauffeurs." They replied with a slight nod of their heads. "20 years in the real estate business and Mr. Klein still has people doing his work for him," I said in a joking manner. I laughed in a tone that I hoped would open up the two men, but they simply just went on as if nothing had been said. After some time, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. While my eyes were closed, I tried to generate thoughts about what the meeting could be about, but all I could think of was what I thought I had seen out there in my apartment's parking lot.

Five minutes pased before another word was to be uttered. As I stared out the side window to my left, the partition of the limo began to be lowered. With each subsequent centimeter that it lowered, the head of Paul Mussio slowly appeared in the driver's seat. "I tell ya, you were something else yesterday," he said. My eyes quickly shot to the men seated at the side seats of the limo, and they returned my glance with stern glares. Without a clear view of their eyes, and starting at them behind those dark sunglasses and statuisc postures of theirs, you'd be hardpressed to seperate them from androids. "What could be so important that Mr.Klein felt that he needed extra chauffeurs," I thought to myself.
"Eh, what do you mean by that?" I replied.
"Your work...you were an absolute natural. I'd say that Da Vinci couldn't compare." It took a few minutes for what he had just said to diffuse into my brain, and when it did, I began to wonder. For the first time since I a woke, I began to really wonder what in the hell it was that I did yesterday. I traced back to when I woke up, then to the hours I put in at the office, and finally to my night out at Ross' Starmeet. For each time period, I could come up with a mental image; yet, as hard as I tried, my mind went blank when I tried to place an image with the time period after Ross' Starmeet.

"Well, here we are," he said, pulling up to the parking lot of an isolated building which was adjacent to a river. Stepping out of the Limo into the chilly-morning air, we caught the tail end of a wind gust that briefly rustled the leaves of nearby trees. I rubbed my hands against my arms in a desperate attempt to get warm.

"Well, here we are," I repeated. "And I'm assuming that that there is Mr.Klein's escort," I said, nodding towards a parked limousine that was located 10 meters away from us.
"Mr.Henderson, Mr.Henderson," he said in a chorusy tone. "Actually, that there is "our" boss. He's also a part of this meeting. He not so long ago did some work with your stepfather Mr Klein. Now, in order for us to carry out your stepfather's wishes, we'll have to walk over to the far end of this lot, if you may. "Now, wait a minute," I snapped, "I agreed to come here to meet my stepfather on a business matter. Now, where in the hell is he?" Insantly I could tell that I had upset the man because he returned my question with a look of disgust that had the makeup of a person who had just lost their patience. I looked at him directly in the eyes and watched as the frown on his face slowly wound into a fabricated smile. He laughed and then said
"Don't worry, Jack my man. You'll meet your father all in due time; after all, this whole meeting is due to him. Now, if you'd just follow me. I looked behind my shoulder and saw that the two large men were standing about 4 feet behind us. For the first time since I'd first seen them, they had smiles on their faces. Gradually, I acceded to the man's request, and then started walking with him and the two large men. As we were walking, I turned my head just in time to spot a black acat at the far left of us, trotting towards a tree. Strangely enough, as I looked over at it, it stopped walking and just solemnly stared at us.



"You are right about one thing, Mr.Henderson," Paul said as we reached the end of the lot. "Your stepfather has a way of neglecting his duties and having other people clean up for him." I looked over the railing that we were leaning against and saw that the river was about 30 feet below us. "Jack, this unfortunately is another one of those situations." The anger, fear, and confusion that was billowing inside of me came out in a torrent.
"What situations?" I yelled. As I did so, the two large men behind us began to laugh. My stomach twisted in knots, and my legs turned limp as I listened to the sound of their chilling laughter. Afraid to show them my fear, I tried to speak calmly, but the strength to do so wasn't in me. All I could conjur up was a repeat of my question.
"What type of situation are you talking about?" I said. The two large men moved coser behind me and Paul put his right hand up to my shoulder. He gave me a look of humerous pity, and then grinned slyly.
"You're probably wondering what it is that you did last night," he said. "You see, Jack, our boss is a reasonably fair man. A man of principle, as we like to think. Well, not to long ago, your stepfather got himself entangled in a financial debt to our boss. If there's one thing that the boss doesn't tolerate, it's a person that doesn't keep their word. However, being the man that he is, he has given your stepfather chance after chance to pay his debt, yet he has failed to do so. Your stepfather, as you very well know, can be very negligble. It's almost as if he's beggggging for someone to take care of his job for him." The two large men giggled. "Jack, your mother was kidnapped." My eyes bulged in horror and my mind felt as if it were losing its grip with sanity as the words penetrated through my ears.
"When?" I yelled forcefully. Paul gave a smile and then said,
"She was kidnapped and yet your stubborn father refused to pay his debt. There's a reason that you don't remember what you did last night, Jack; and, that reason is because you were drugged. Ohh yes, you were drugged, and you performed marvelously last night."
"What the in the hell are you talking about you sick bastard?"
"Jack, look over the railing and concentrate your eyes on the boardwalk for a second. You see that person laying there? Well, THAT is what you did last night." I looked over the railing and saw the badly mutilated body of a person. The image that I saw as I looked over the railing was the same image that I had seen appear out of nowhere in the parking lot of my apartment. It was the same image that I had seen in my dream before I a woke and spoke to Pete about it. Now, it all came back to me in a frightening realization. The dream that I had-- the dream of the woman that kept walking towards me, never keeping her eyes off me for a second even as I hacked at her skull with a baseball bat; the same dream of the woman that held my ankle in a vise grip lock as I desperately tried to throw her into the river; the same dream of the woman that had sent me running home in a state of shock, was what happened last night when I had no memory of my actions. As I looked closer, one thing that my dream and the image in the parking lot blurred from me beme clear. The face of the woman was my mother. "Ohh, yeah, you were great Jack, just great. But only one thing..... you forgot to finish the job." The last thing that I heard before I feinted was the cold, hard laughter of all three men.

aliceedelweiss

hey there
one word, awoke.
with; also, how can your mind shake? I think you should choose more of an emotional word rather than a verb, unless its your head thats shaking, your mind won't shake.
road

I'm noticing you don't split your paragraphs when a new character is speaking. Also, you seem to forget to add the ending quotation mark sometimes... I mostly noticed this in the paragraph that begins, ' Well, here we are," I repeated. "And I'm assuming that that there is Mr.Klein's escort," I said, nodding towards a parked '

I'd have to say I know no word with four 'G's in a row

I'd have to say that is 'fear of the unknown' taken too far, lol. Obviously he knew what was in the dream(the ending showed that) and its silly to just cut out dialog. If we aren't supposed to know, then cut the dialog out.

This was alright, It had a good plot but I think you could have made the fear more real.
Alice

__________________

Soul Ink

Yeah, I typed this really quick so there were some small mistakes.

As far as the beggggging goes, I stretched the g out to add the effect of how he was talking to the reader. As far as the dream goes, I put it in the beginning to dangle it in the readers mind. I don't think it was silly to cut the dialoge out, and here's why: If I would have included what happened in the dream to the reader at that point in the story, everything, as far as the suspense, leading up to the meeting with the guy and the question of what he did the previous night, would have been eliminated. It would have been really predictable for the reader that his dream was what happened the previous night if I would have said it then. It's a pretty graphic detail that would have been obvious for the reader.


And, no he didn't know that what happened to him the previous night was what he dreamt. How was he supposed to know for sure? That's why I put in moments in the story where he's by himself and is thinking about it. I put those moments in to show the fact that he's not really sure why he would have dreamed something like that. Take the part where he shakes his head in disbelief and says "God,what in the hell." Also, The ending doesn't show that he knew all along that the dream was what happened the previous night, all it shows is that he realizes that what happened the in his dream was what happened the previous night.

Anyhow, thanks for taking your time out, reading it, and giving a reply.

Soul Ink

Also, I thought that I split the paragraphs each time. I may not have doble entered, but they were split.


"Hello," I said.
"Hey, Jack, it's nice of you to finally pick up. Where the hell have you been?"

ProudestMonkey

Most people would like 'double-entered' paragraphs as that is the correct way to go about it. Just pressing enter once makes it harder on us to read.

__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.

Soul Ink

Ok. More feedback would be highly appreciated.

Atom

magnetic attraction, and I felt as if beads of perspiration filled every pore on my face.
The bold part could be taken out.

before taken a particularily close notice
particularly

about how tranquile it looked
tranquil

filled like photgraphic memory
photographic

that I had also fainly seen in those
faintly

"Well, it's like this.........."
Instead put: I told him about my dream.

make out the silhouete of
silhouette

suits and dark subglasses were seated
sunglasses

Five minutes pased before another
passes

and statuisc postures of theirs, you'd be hardpressed to seperate them from androids
hard pressed, separate, not sure about statuisc. It's not a word but i dont know what to replace it with.

he said in a chorusy tone
again not a word but i guess you can use it.

Insantly I could tell that I had upset
instantly

For the first time since I'd first seen them, they had smiles on their faces
i like this it builds the suspense.

As we were walking, I turned my head just in time to spot a black acat at the far left of us, trotting towards a tree. Strangely enough, as I looked over at it, it stopped walking and just solemnly stared at us.
you should take this whole bit out.

All I could conjur up was a repeat of my question
conjure

The two large men moved coser behind me and Paul put his right hand up to my shoulder. He gave me a look of humerous pity, and then grinned slyly.
closer, humorous

like to think. Well, not to long ago, your stepfather
too

you very well know, can be very negligble. It's
negligible

parking lot blurred from me beme clear. The
became



The story was ok. Some parts werent needed like the cat part. It was confusing with the figure in the parking lot and the phone conversation that you were trying to reveal at the end. Work on Paul's character a bit more, the last scene didn't seem real. I'll give you somepoints for originality.

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Short Stories:
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Hospital Visit
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Writer45

Hi Soul Ink,

Hope this helps.

I ran from it with my heart pumping out of my chest (you need a comma here) and (change 'and' to 'as')my feet thumping (thumped)heavily against the solid, concrete pavement. (I think you could delete 'soild' and 'concrete' the reader knows that pavement was solid and concrete. No reason to state the obvious.)

It was the physical scene that I ran from, but there was a larger, more menacing scene that my feet labored that much harder to evade. (you could probably revise this sentence and take out the double 'that's' in it.)

It was the scene of the memory in my mind that replayed what had just happened in sharp, uncompromising detail. (rewrite: 'The memory of the scene replayed in sharp uncomprimising detail.' We can tell by the fact that its a memory that its replaying in the narrator's mind. You dont need to state that here.) The same memory that relentlessly stalked me with every step that I took towards forgetting and escape.(okay with this sentence, it could actually be combined with the previous sentence. delete the period at the end of 'detail' and add a comma. rewrite sentence as: 'stalking me with every step I took towards forgetting altogether.' we know that since the narrator's running at the beginning that he/she is trying to escape from something. It would be assumed that he/she is also trying to escape the memory.)

Directly behind my bed is (was)a wall, and approximately 3 feet above my bed's head rest is (was)a window.

At (During)that time in the morning, the sound of the howling wind that blew through that window (blowing through the window)sent chills through every bone in my body.

As I lay in bed wit (with)my mind shaking, I looked out across the wooden floor of my bedroom.

I had never before taken a particularily close notice to shadows in the dark (this is just a suggetion: 'I had never before taken a particularily close notice to the dark shadows...'. either way would be fine), but at that very moment, I did.

All I could think about (,)as I stared at them (,) (actually you could just delete 'as I stared at them' because you have 'stared' in the next sentence and you would just be repeating yourself. either way though is fine)was just how sinister they looked.

The longer I stared at the shadows (delete 'at the shadows' it's not needed), the more I wanted to silence the feeling of dread that was building up in the room.

It wasn't until I berated myself for being so childish that I finally got up to draw the curtains. (delete: 'to draw the curtains')

When I did, I caught a quick glimpse of the parking lot across from my apartment. "That wasn't so bad," I thought to myself. "God, what in the hell has gotten into me? I'm 35 and I'm acting like a damn baby." (okay here you want to make the dialogue a separate paragraph.)

The images of the quiet, sleeping cars covered in dew came to my mind; and as the other images of the parking lot (delete: 'of the parking lot' you mention the sleeping cars, that should be enough to let the readers know you're talking about a parking lot)filled like photgraphic memory...

Slowly it filled in, and when I began to realize what it was that I had also fainly seen in those few seconds of starting out into the parking lot, I started to scream hysterically. (rewrite: 'Slowly as it filled in, i began to realize what it was that i had faintly seen in those few seconds. I started to scream hysterically.)

Almost simultaneously as I screamed(delete: 'as I screamed'), the phone began to ring.

I tripped over my night stand (,)as I ran towards the ringing phone.

Stumbling to my feet, I finally made it to the phone on its third ring. (rewrite: 'Stumbling to my feet, I finally made it on the third ring.)

"Hey, Jack, it's nice of you to finally pick up. Where the hell have you been?" I wiped a large amount of sweat off my forehead and then looked through the curtains once again. This time, however, what I had thought I had seen was no longer there. (you need to make the narrator's part after the dialogue a separate paragraph)

"Maybe, Jack, maybe... Hey, I tried calling you several times yesterday, but you never picked up. And what's with the coughing, man? You sound awful." I re-positioned the phone to my other ear and coughed some phlegm into a tissue.(okay this sentence that is in the narrators pov needs to be separte paragraph. thus making the next dialogue section a separate paragraph becuase its in Pete's pov. "You know, I talked to your Russian thing, haha...you know, Sandra? Well, she said that she saw you partying it up at Ross's Starmeet last night. But Jack, you outta really take some medicine if you don't feel soo..." (one thing though, you mention about the narrator, Jack, coughing while talking with Pete, but you've not mentioned it earlier in the piece. If you are going to mention it here, you need to at least hint to it earlier in the story so the reader isn't surprised)

I clicked to the other line and casually said,(you have this part after Pete's dialogue. you need to make this one in the same paragraph as the dialogue below my comment since that's Jack's pov)
"Hello, who's this? Ah huh... Well, ok, give me a few. I'll get ready and make my way over,(delete the comma and replace with a period)" and then, I clicked back to Pete and said(rewrite: I clicked back to Pete.), (Delete the comma)"Hey, buddy, there's someone that I've gotta meet up with soon."


I looked down at my watch, 5:30,(delete 5:30,) and then walked over to my bathroom mirror. (rewrite: walking over to my bathroom mirror.)

10 (spell out the 10)minutes went by (,)as I drove through waking streets in the premature early-morning light.

Pulling into the parking lot,(rewrite: 'Pulling in')

I drove up besides him and exited my car.(rewrite: 'I drove up beside him, exiting my car.')


"Quite a nice car you have there, Mr.Henderson. '67 Corvette, that's one of the all-time classics. I'm Paul Mussio." He extended his right hand,(replace the comma with a period) and (delete 'and')I shook it.(make this sentence a separate paragraph) "If you'd enter the limousine, here, we'll be on our way."(this will also be a separate paragraph, since it is the other man's pov.)

"So, I'm taking it that you two are the other chauffeurs." They replied with a slight nod of their heads.( this sentence should also be a separate pararaph since its the two men in the limo's pov) "20 (spell out 20)years in the real estate business (,)and Mr. Klein still has people


My eyes quickly shot to the men seated at the side seats of the limo,(delete the comma replace with a period) and (delete 'and')they returned my glance with stern glares.(this sentence needs to be a separate paragraph.As will the next one) Without a clear view of their eyes, and(delete the 'and') starting (staring)at them behind (with)those dark sunglasses and statuisc postures of theirs, you'd be (it would be)hardpressed (hard)to seperate them from androids. "What could be so important that Mr.Klein felt that (delete this 'that')he needed extra chauffeurs," I thought to myself. (okay if he's thinking this sentence, you might want to put it in italics instead of quotes, since regular dialouge goes in quotes. This might confuse the reader into thinking he's talking outloud rather than to himself.)

It took a few minutes for what he had just said to diffuse into my brain, and when it did, I began to wonder. For the first time since I a woke(a woke is one word), I began to really wonder what in the hell it was that I did yesterday. I traced back to when I woke up, then to the hours I put in at the office, and finally to my night out at Ross' Starmeet. For each time period, I could come up with a mental image; yet, as hard as I tried, my mind went blank when I tried to place an image with the time period after Ross' Starmeet.(this whole paragraph should be a separate one. You have it starting after Paul's Dialogue)

I rubbed my hands against my arms in a desperate attempt to get warm. (this sentence should be a separate paragraph all by itself)

"Now, wait a minute," I snapped, "I agreed to come here to meet my stepfather on a business matter. Now, where in the hell is he?" Insantly I could tell that I had upset the man because he returned my question with a look of disgust that had the makeup of a person who had just lost their patience. I looked at him directly in the eyes and watched as the frown on his face slowly wound into a fabricated smile.(this paragraph should be a separate one.) He laughed and then said (this should also be a separate one as well, which will lead into Paul's dialogue)

"Don't worry, Jack my man. You'll meet your father all in due time; after all, this whole meeting is due to him. Now, if you'd just follow me. (you need ending quotes with this sentence)I looked behind my shoulder and saw that the two large men were standing about 4 feet behind us. For the first time since I'd first seen them, they had smiles on their faces. Gradually, I acceded to the man's request, and then started walking with him and the two large men. As we were walking, I turned my head just in time to spot a black acat at the far left of us, trotting towards a tree. Strangely enough, as I looked over at it, it stopped walking and just solemnly stared at us. (the rest of the paragraph should be a separate one)

I looked over the railing that we were leaning against and saw that the river was about 30 feet below us.(this sentence should be a separate paragaph. making the next one a separate paragraph as well)

The anger, fear, and confusion that was billowing inside of me came out in a torrent.
"What situations?" I yelled. As I did so, the two large men behind us began to laugh. My stomach twisted in knots, and my legs turned limp as I listened to the sound of their chilling laughter. Afraid to show them my fear, I tried to speak calmly, but the strength to do so wasn't in me. All I could conjur up was a repeat of my question.
"What type of situation are you talking about?" I said. The two large men moved coser behind me (,)and Paul put his right hand up to my shoulder. (make this whole paragraph a separate from the previous sentence.) He gave me a look of humerous pity, and then grinned slyly. (again make a separate paragraph)

Well, not to (too)long ago, your stepfather got himself entangled in a financial debt to our boss.


My eyes bulged in horror and my mind felt as if it were losing its grip with sanity as the words penetrated through my ears.
"When?" I yelled forcefully.(make this a separate paragraph) Paul gave a smile and then said, (make a separate paragraph as well, combining it with Paul's dialogue below)

The last thing that I heard before I feinted (fainted)was the cold, hard laughter of all three men.

__________________________________________

I do hope this helps. I enjoyed the story greatly. Good job on it overall.

Dawn

bluewhite

There is really lots of errors, yet the story is fine to share.

__________________
I am Bluewhite.

Soul Ink

There's a lot of errors because I didn't concentrate on punctuation as much. I don't try to concentrate on that as much right now because it's not getting published any time soon. I just concentrate on the stories.

Keridwen

It's probably a good idea to check up on punctuation and whatnot, while it may seem mundane, it really helps to engage the reader.

I liked the premise of your story. You just need to whip it into shape a bit, by taking into account what everyone else said! Good job.

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"Whatever our theme in writing, it is old and tired. Whatever our place, it has been visited by the stranger, it will never be new again. It is only the vision that can be new, but that is enough." Eudora Welty