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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
06-03-2006, 06:00 PM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 42
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...
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Last edited by PeterMc : 11-06-2006 at 05:36 PM.
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06-03-2006, 07:25 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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Needs more flow. It just confuses me as of now. No organization, the way it was written makes me think "you" were on some pills no offense.
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06-03-2006, 09:37 PM
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#3
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 42
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No offence taken, Sigur Ros. Thanks for the feedback.
cheers
Last edited by PeterMc : 06-04-2006 at 02:51 AM.
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06-04-2006, 05:40 AM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,139
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SIGUR IS AN IDIOT IGNORE HIM... obviously you meant it to be jumbled to give the affect of the guy  and i think you did it very well... it was really fast paced and confused like the guy your on about good job..
but to be fair it does look like a 5 minute writing whim or something id like to see some real work
__________________
It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.
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06-04-2006, 12:53 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Segovia, Spain
Gender: Male
Posts: 504
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Off Topic:
that has to be the SMILIEST post ever.
__________________
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing paychecks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
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06-04-2006, 01:51 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2006
Location: I'm sitting in a tin can, far above the world.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,707
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SIGUR IS AN IDIOT IGNORE HIM
Do you have to include me on your reply. It's really rude. Besides I've never done E so I don't know the effect is like that... I have done my share of drugs though, and I'm proud to say I have quit them. They really kill your memory.
I did my own story on my personal experience of P.C.P once.  |
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06-05-2006, 09:40 AM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 42
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I would just like to say this is fiction. Yes, I've taken ecstasy before, but that was many years ago. The intention of this piece was to show gaps in time and concentration, and that's it. It's a very basic concept, using a very basic technique. It's all stream of consciousness. The shape of the story was me having a little fun.
Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.
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06-06-2006, 06:13 PM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Kansas City area
Gender: Male
Posts: 167
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this...
IS AWESOME! Funny, deep, enjoyable. The form is GREAT, very intelligent. The title then turns into the form & body of the poem. Excellent job on the phsyical or visual form, arranging it into the letter E. Good use of bold font, although I probably would not not used the bold... hoping to make the readers "dig" a wee bit more to spot that part of the poem's form. The bold definitely makes it stand out.
I hope people don't read over this too fast, commenting on the drug aspect or something else, and missing the form. To contradict SigurRos, the flow & organisation is great!
Maybe I should update my sig again, "At the touch of whiskey, everyone becomes a wiseman"...
__________________
"At the touch of rum, everyone becomes a pirate."
Unanswered Posts - click this, don't be afraid, and be useful...
Peach , Faultline
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06-06-2006, 06:32 PM
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#9
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 790
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Flows well to me. I read it all in in one rush, and it worked well that way.
A question I have is about the ending:
Why the 'wi'? This confused me, that you didn't spell it normally.
And yes, this does seem kind of like something you wrote in fifteen minutes when you were bored, or whatever, but considering that, it's fun. I'd agree with whoever it was above that posted they wanted to see something longer.
Also, why did you post this in the short stories section? Seems like it would fit in better in poetry.. |
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06-07-2006, 10:44 PM
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#10
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 42
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Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.
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06-08-2006, 05:57 AM
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#11
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Writer
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 44
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The story is a wonderful take on male_female communication gaps. The man wants to talk to the girl, but is facing some sort of self doubt. His drinking only makes his situation worse and here lies his flaws...an inability to communicate and think clearly. Your writing transports us into his confused world, in a confusing way, and so I liked it.
Last edited by soandso : 06-08-2006 at 06:05 AM.
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06-08-2006, 11:40 AM
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#12
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Les Etats-Unis
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,568
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I think its interresting the way you wrote it, to give perception to his pill taking, although its hard to follow and has no flow and has obvious misspellings, no use of '-' when splitting a word on the end of a line, but it all seems in good use because our character is on pills, so it really helps describe how he feels, which is one of the reasons why I really like this.
You break the rules nicely.
Alice
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06-08-2006, 11:12 PM
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#13
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Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 42
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Thanks for the comments. And yeah, one of my intentions was confusion, so I'm glad you picked that up.
cheers
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06-23-2006, 04:13 PM
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#14
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Kansas City area
Gender: Male
Posts: 167
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by mwd
...And yes, this does seem kind of like something you wrote in fifteen minutes when you were bored, or whatever, but considering that, it's fun. I'd agree with whoever it was above that posted they wanted to see something longer...
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...lol... stand back from the monitor a few feet, and squint your eyes... while looking at the original post, of course.
It CAN NOT be any longer, it's perfect as PeterMC wrote it 
On the "confusion" - the guy is on "E", or exstasy, pills. He's confused to begin with. The last lines captured this well.
__________________
"At the touch of rum, everyone becomes a pirate."
Unanswered Posts - click this, don't be afraid, and be useful...
Peach , Faultline
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06-23-2006, 04:53 PM
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#15
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Adept Writer
Join Date: May 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 790
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Yeah, I noticed that before, weeks ago when I originally posted, but who says he can't make the E bigger? It's not like he broke the lines up purposefully (at least it looks like they were broken up randomly to fit the shape) ... in which case he can make it longer, then remake the lines to form a bigger E.
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