Itsaboysname

Yay, my first posted story.

THE PLEASURE

The clouds hung dark and purple, both menacing and beautiful, casting a cool shadow onto the large house below. A young man sat on the doorstep, fiddling with a matchbook. Seventeen years before, his parents named him James, but he had since come to prefer Jim. His dark blond hair hung like a reflection of the clouds above, reaching just below his eyes. He could just barely hear the faint notes of a faraway ice cream truck.

One by one, Jim tore out his matches and set them on fire. He imagined each one was a tiny person as he struck their heads against the rough black paper of the matchbook, making them burst into flames. He held on until the fire scorched the tips of his fingers, and then he let their charred corpses drop onto the sidewalk. He watched them smolder on the ground for a while before setting the next match alight.

It wasn’t just plain fun Jim got from this activity. He marveled at the absurd amount of destructive power at his fingertips. The swift and simple motion with which he lit each match unlocked such amazing possibilities. He could keep warm with the heat. He could cook food. Most importantly however, he could destroy. He could just plain burn.

The ice cream truck grew louder.

He continued this ritual until just one match remained. He ripped it from his book and held it in his palm, considering what to do with it. He stood, and brushed small pieces of wood from his pants. The doorsteps were dry and cracking apart, and suddenly Jim knew what to do with his final match.

The ice cream truck drove past; its happy tune was high pitched and annoying. Jim’s mind made a vague note of wanting ice cream, but he had better things to do. The song started to slowly fade away.

Jim violently lit the match and threw it on the first step. The small flame danced, and small bits of fire hopped onto the step. The small bits began to grow and creep about the wooden step, tasting the air and nipping at the dry wood.

It slowly devoured that first step, and started crawling its way onto the next. It crackled and snarled, and Jim held out his hands to feel the heat of his creation, his monstrous child.

The flame engulfed the doorsteps, and started to snake its way onto the house, and slither into the grass. Jim gleefully watched the fire eat everything in its way.

The light!

The beauty!

He watched the flame prance in a glorious ballet of destruction. He felt complete. He felt as though he had discovered the path to true happiness. He felt as one does, when one first kisses one’s true love.

He whooped, and yelled, and thrust his arms into the air.

But suddenly, the clouds grew too heavy and tired above Jim’s glory. They let their water fall onto his beast. At first the drops were small and fell slowly, but soon they became large and fell quick and heavy. They came down with such force that Jim was pushed to his knees. His flame was beaten to the ground beneath the torrent of water. The rain threw all its might onto the fire, and suffocated the monster.

The thunderous pounding of the raindrops filled Jim’s ears as he kneeled before the charred, wet ground. His fire had been killed. He hung his head in defeat.

When finally the rain subsided, Jim sat lonely and pathetic on the sidewalk. He was soaking wet, and tears were mingling with the rain that dripped from his hair.

He wished he had some ice cream.

aliceedelweiss

Cute story very well written, and I really liked the last line. Here are some things I found:

I think this sentence would sound better if it was just "He could burn" 'just plain' isn't really needed, and it sounds weird.
Also, What would is on his pants? The burnt matchs? if so thats contradicting to this line: charred corpses drop onto the sidewalk. If not, why is there wood on his pants?
I think this would better be written, "It crachled and snarled. Jim held out his hands to feel the heat of his creation, his monstrous child."
One thing you neglected through the whole story was that commas aren't needed unless it is a series. (ie: He bought cake, ice cream, and a card.) and if you use and, you do not need commas. (ie: He bought cake and ice cream and a card) I know I pointed it out above but I wanted to say what I meant incase you didn't understand why.
Cute story though nice job.

Alice

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Itsaboysname

Thank you Alice
I've had the unnecassary comma problem before, I don't understand it. I'm just comma-happy I guess.

Sparx

I can't really make any corrections because all the ones i have spotted have already been mentioned but i will say that i enjoyed the reading the story and i liked the description and the tone. I especially liked: "The flame engulfed the doorsteps, and started to snake its way onto the house, and slither into the grass." Nice imagery. Keep writing.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

Jimbob

Paris,
I like your story, although it's a little overwritten. For example, consider this section.

>The light!

The beauty!

He watched the flame prance in a glorious ballet of destruction. He felt complete. He felt as though he had discovered the path to true happiness. He felt as one does, when one first kisses one’s true love.<

When I say it's overwritten, I mean that you're telling the reader too much about how you protaganist feels. I'd like this better if you'd just tell us what he does. In other words, show us how he feels rather than telling us.

Some things that might happen that would illustrate his state of mind are that his eyes might dialate, the ice cream truck might pass without his hearing or turning his head. His jaw might drop. He might even get an erection.

Also, Alice has given you some good advice on grammar and punctuation.
About the only thing I can add is that you shouldn't use any more adjectives than you need. You don't make a story stronger by using a lot of modifiers.

Jinbob

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The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Chris Miller

I liked the story too. I found it very well written. The only thing that stopped me for a second was describing the fire as a "monster." It seemed a little out of his point of view. He thought of the fire as more of a god.

I liked the very odd, yet simple, happy ending.

A comma indicates a slight pause. It's totally the writer's call, as with most punctuation. A lot of people overuse them by trying to follow some rule they learned in grade school. Just use your ear. You are good enough to let the rules obey you now, and not the other way around.

E.g.

"He cried and died."
"He cried, and died."

Both are correct. It would depend on the context, but I would probably go with the latter since it doesn't have the two actions occuring simultaneously, as does the comma-less one.

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"Almost brilliant."
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Fantasy of You

commas cant be used for affect, which is what i think you were trying to.. i dont have time to critique this properly now.. but i will when i get bak the thing that stuck out though
" He felt as one does, when one first kisses one’s true love."

the one just isn't necessary.. "it felt like the kiss from a first true love" works better in my opinion.. there was more ill do it later keep writing

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It's only natural to want something profound in your sig.

Chris Miller

Or,

"It felt like one's true love's first kiss."

If you are looking for efficiency (and might be my preference, context aside).

As written, with comma, is more poetic. All are correct. It's the writer's call.

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the fairwriting blogs


"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!