The Consistency (Sci-fi short story) - Writers Forum

Sparx · 06-01-2006, 02:53 PM

The consistency Part 1

“Are you ready to enter the time gate, Mr. Hank McCoy?” the scientist shouted from the control room.

Hank felt a cold chill swim through his veins as he stared into the spinning, circle door. As he tried to move forward, his legs became stiff and rigid like a boulder. “Are you sure this is safe?”

“Of cause its safe, Mr. Hank McCoy”, the scientist replied as he bellowed into the microphone. “There is no need to be afraid of the time gate. It’s just a contained wormhole created from exotic matter that has been set to propel you back into a significant time in the not too distant past.”

“Oh, ok then,” Hank replied, not really comprehending what the scientist had just said. Cautiously, Hank began to walk towards the time gate. How can this be happening to me? He thought to himself as he fixed his eyes on the blue particles that where streaming from the time gate. Two weeks ago, he was nothing but a smalltime lawyer who despite having a wife who didn’t respect him and a job which didn’t put the peas on the table, still enjoyed life for its simple pleasures. Yet ever since that ill-fated day, the day he had caught his wife in bed with another man; everything had changed and now he fount himself in a situation he never thought he would be placed in.

As he drew nearer to the time gate, he suddenly halted at the voice of the scientist.

“Remember Mr. Hank McCoy, you are part of the new criminal program known as the second chance program. You have been given a second chance by the UK law department to go into the past and stop your past self from committing the murder of James Taylor Parker. In order to avoid any paradoxes that time travel can lead to; your face has been totally reconstructed so if the situation arises where you have to meet your self in the past it will not have any effects or create any said paradoxes. Good luck, Mr. Hank McCoy.”

After the scientist had given his briefing, Hank climbed up the platform the time gate was held on and looked directly into the spinning gate. He could see blue particles fly everywhere like glowing flies. Trembling with fear, he slowly lifted his hand and placed it into the gate and realized he felt no pain. Taking a deep breath, he finally plunged his entire body into the Time gate.

It was strange. One minute, Hank remembered throwing himself into the time gate and the next moment he found himself on the busy streets of London facing a 6 foot tall building with a huge sign on top reading “Lawyers. Inc”. Hank gasped in shock. This was where he worked.

Confused, Hank crossed the busy road and made his way to the Lawyers. Inc building. When he got there, he opened the door to the building and made his way into the hallway.

This was definitely where he worked, Hank thought as his nose caught the smell of suits and coffee roaming in the air. He continued to walk across the hallway until he saw the secretary, Miss Johnson smiling at him strangely, as if trying to conceal something in her mouth. Thinking it was the most logical thing to do at the time and the fact that not much options where available, Hank decided make his way to her.

“How may I help you, sir?” Miss Johnson asked as Hank approached her desk.

“Oh, sorry I just wanted to know what date it is today,” Hank replied.

“Sorry, I sometimes lose track of time myself…let me just check my computer…there we go…today is Thursday 16th June 2015”.

Hank felt his heart almost leap out of his body as she said this. Thursday the 16th June was two weeks ago. That was the day he had committed the murder. So this wasn’t a mere dream, he had in fact gone back into the past. He looked at the clock again and it read 4.30pm. Usually, he finished work at 5.00pm but he couldn’t remember if he had left home early this particular day.

“Sorry to bother you again, but can you please check if Hank McCoy is still working here?” Hank asked.

“Certainly,” the secretary replied and started to type animatedly at the keyboard until her computer made a soft sound. “Nope sir, Hank McCoy left about 10 minutes ago”.

Hank felt fear hit his body like a train hitting a misguided bird. His house wasn’t too far from here and it would take him at least 20 minutes to get there like it always did by car. Not wasting any time, Hank darted across the hallway and out into the streets.

To be continued…

bobothegoat · 06-01-2006, 07:09 PM

It started off a little slow, but the idea of Hank trying to stop himself from committing murder is intriguing enough. Once it got to that, I immediately thought, "Now we're talking!" That was the point where my interest peaked.

The piece does feel a bit raw though. It seems like the story can't get over the fact that it has a time gate in it. Right in the second paragraph, it describes the time gate and says that that's what it is, despite the earlier dialogue saying so.

It does the same thing when establishing wher-- or when, perhaps-- he is.

Quote:

“Remember Mr. Hank McCoy, you are part of the new criminal program known as the second chance program. You have been given a second chance by the UK law department to go into the past and stop your past self from committing the murder of James Taylor Parker."

Quote:

Thursday the 16th June was two weeks ago. That was the day he had committed the murder of James Taylor Parker.

You see what I'm saying? I guess Hank might have a short attention span or be a bad listener, but the reader just keeps hearing the same things over and over again with too short a span between them.

There was also one possible plot-hole. Since Hank works in that Lawyers Inc. building, I figured there'd be a good chance he'd know, or at least vaguely remember the secretary. The story sort of implied that he didn't recognize her.

Like I said, it's a bit raw, but it was otherwise a pretty good start.

Sparx · 06-01-2006, 09:12 PM

Thanks a lot Bobthegoat for the feedback. I see what you mean with the piece being a little raw and edgy around the places but im going to fix that. Thanks for the suggestions, they where a huge help and im glad you liked it.

J. Bryan Shoup · 06-02-2006, 02:47 AM

Hank McCoy? Not saying you meant to use the same name, but I think a great deal of sci-fi nerds would immediately think of Beast. I tend to Google any character name I think up to make sure I don't goof. Just noting that in passing.

Chris Miller · 06-02-2006, 07:35 AM

Hey Sparx,

I’m not sure putting a bag over his head (so to speak) would eliminate time travel paradoxes. I like the description of the “gate.” Need to tone down the telling of emotion, specifically by using fewer adverbs. Some pretty hilarious typos. Seems kind of risky sending criminals back in time to “fix” things. If I were one I’d just buy a lottery ticket or play the markets or something.

"a small time lawyer"
smalltime (A Very funny mistake for this story!)

"he fount himself"
found (x2)

"Confusingly, Hank crossed the busy road…"
Confused (I assume he was confused and that the reader is not supposed to be.)

Your use of adverbs is probalby what hurts your prose the most.

"I sometimes loose track of time…"
lose

Hank felt fear hit his body like a train hitting a misguided bird.
Hilarious simile!

Sparx · 06-02-2006, 08:43 AM

J. Bryan Shoup: I never knew that(im not an x-men fan) however my own Hank McCoy isn't releated to the one in x-men and bares no likeness only in the fact that they both share the same name.

Chris Miller: Thanks for the extremely helpful feedback and pointing out my typos. I agree with you on my overuse of adverbs, i plan on limiting the amount of adverbs i use in part 2 and 3. Of cause concealing someones face will not stop time paradoxes but i don't want to spoil the story. Also, i will try and limit the telling of emotion in future parts. Again, thanks for the critique.

Sparx · 06-02-2006, 05:18 PM

The Consistency Part 2

“Oi, watch it, you idiot!” the man shouted as Hank pushed him out of the way whilst running through the pedestrian.

Hank didn’t pay any attention to the man. Right now, only one thing was sitting on his mind and that was to get to his house before his other self did.

As he sprinted through the streets littered with people, he suddenly saw a blue Renault car stuck in the traffic. He immediately stopped running and stared at the car.

“That’s my car, that’s me in that car,” said Hank as he tiptoed over a group of people that were in front of him. “I remember now, I was stuck in traffic today. I arrived home even later, round about 5.15pm. This gives me time.”

Without further stoppage, Hank continued to run threw the streets and past the cars stuck in the traffic. He could vaguely see a row of houses revealing themselves as he ran closer to them.

“I made it,” Hank said as he grasped his chest in pain. “I haven’t sprinted like that since secondary school.” After regaining his breath, Hank turned around and opened the gate of his house and walked through the front garden.

As he walked through the front garden that was painted green with leaves and plants, he wondered if James Taylor Parker was already in his wife’s bedroom. He shook his head, deciding not think about it incase it made that same anger that unleashed itself two weeks ago, unleash itself again.

Hank finally reached the front door. Just as he lifted his hands to knock on the door, he was surprised by a youthful voice he heard coming from the back of him.

“Excuse me, who are you?” the young voice asked.

Hank recognized the voice instantly and turned around to face James Taylor Parker.

“I asked you question sir, who you are,” James asked.

Hank looked at the boy solemnly. It was as if he was staring into a ghost he had already seen before. Despite him and his wife shattered sexual relationship, he would never have predicted her to have an affair with a boy as young as James.

“Im here to see Hank McCoy,” Hank finally replied.

“Well sir, Mr. McCoy isn’t going to be back for another hour or so, so if I were you I’d come back later or I could give a message to Ms. McCoy”.

“Excuse me, if you don’t mind me asking but why are you here?”

James narrowed his eyes. “Im here because Ms. McCoy phoned me up to help her fix her television. Is that a problem, sir?”

“No, of cause it’s not a problem. I’ll be going now, please be sure to give my regards to Ms. McCoy for me.”

“Will do, sir”, James said as he knocked on the door.

Hank walked outside of the front lawn and quickly darted into the side garden of the house when James had stopped paying attention to him. He peered over the edge of the house and could see Linda opening the door and embracing James. He edged a little closer, so he could overhear their conversation.

“Oh James, your late. Don’t you know he’ll be back any time from now,” Linda said, still gripping onto James.

“I could come tomorrow Ms. McCoy if that’s ok with--“

“No, no there is no need. Just come in quickly. You won’t stay for too long”, Linda said as she gestured James to come in with her finger.

As Linda closed the door of the house, Hank knew that he couldn’t just simply knock on the door and expect them to answer it. He would have to play it safe and sneak into the house threw the back door. Being careful not to make any noise, Hank climbed over the fence that protected the garden and made his way through the garden and to the back door. Making sure no one was in sight; Hank opened the back door and went into the house.

Everything in the house was just how he had left it that very morning. The kitchen was still bathing in the smell of Linda’s pancakes and bacon. The sink was filled to the top with dishes and even the TV was still on the same channel he had left it on before he had gone to work. As Hank surveyed the house, he staggered at the voice of Linda and James. He quickly took cover behind the living room couch.

“Miss McCoy we can’t keep this a secret forever,” said James as Miss McCoy lead him upstairs.

“I know, James. But I need someone to hold me, please. Hank doesn’t hold me like you do.”

“Ok, Miss McCoy but this is the last time. I can’t do this to Mr. McCoy; it’s not fair on him.”

Whilst Hank sat behind the couch overhearing this conversation he was quite taken aback by James consideration of him. He had until now, thought of James as the final knife that had cut the strings of him and Linda’s marriage. But since hearing James speak, he could clearly see that it was his wife who had cut the strings of their marriage or maybe it was him.

Before Hank could begin to develop this idea further, he looked over the couch to see a blue Renault car parked in front of the house with a man stepping out of the car.

The other Hank McCoy had arrived home.

To be continued…

Sparx · 06-03-2006, 12:23 PM

Anyone have any feedback for part 2.

Sparx · 06-04-2006, 09:54 AM

The Consistency part 3

“Hello, Linda you there?” the other Hank shouted from outside the house.

As Hank hid behind the couch, small droplets of sweat slid down his face. He hadn’t expected his other self to be back so soon. But that wasn’t the only problem that was worrying his mind. Stupidly, he had not anticipated how much time he had to actually stop his other self from committing the murder. Surly, there was some sort of time limitation to being in the past or he would be stuck here forever.

Suddenly, the door swung open and Hank went on his knees and crawled to the edge of the couch. He peered his head over the couch to see his other self closing the door behind him.

“Honey, are you here?” his other self shouted as he removed his coat and hung it on the coat rack.

“Damn that blasted woman, I bet she’s still in the shower.” Hank watched as his other self marched upstairs, veins slowing surfacing on his face. Despite himself, Hank was smiling. He had never realized how angry he was when he came home from work. However, now was not the time to evaluate himself.

Being careful not to step on the weak parts of the floor; Hank scurried across the living room and knelled against the side of the staircase. He could still hear his other self walking up the staircase grumbling. As soon as his other self was out of sight, Hank walked upstairs, still leaning against the wall. When he finally arrived at the landing; he saw his other self about to open the door of Linda’s bedroom

“No, wait,” Hank cried, putting his hand over the door handle. “You can’t open this door”.

His other self looked at him as if he where some sort of ugly dog that mysteriously fount its way into his home. “And who the hell are you?”

“It doesn’t matter; all I know is that you can’t open this door”.

“What, this is my house and I don’t know who you are but I can do whatever I want in my house and right now im going to open this door.”

“No I won’t let you,” Hank said as he stood in front of the door.

As Hank stood, hands akimbo; he turned his head around to hear the sounds of his wife softly screaming as if she was being kissed by pleasure. Hank swallowed hard. This wasn’t good.

“What the hell is that noise, Linda is in there?” his other self said stepping forward. “Im going in there so get of my way.”

Hank tried to push his other self away but he didn’t realize how strong he was. Caught of guard by the punch sent by his other self, Hank fell against the door with force; swinging the door open.

“Linda!” Hank’s other self exclaimed as his wild eyes fixed themselves upon his wife who was semi-naked and on top of James.

“Hank…Hank please…Im sorry,” Ms. McCoy muttered as she got of James and put on her top. “I know what it looks like…but please calm down for a second.”

“Calm down? I come home from a hard day’s work and what do I find my wife in bed with the boy next door.”

James rose up and got of the bed and made his way to the other Hank slowly as if Hank was some wild animal who had been let loose from its cage. “Mr. McCoy, please let me explain. I know--“

James was quickly cut off by a punch from Hank’s other self which landed directly in his face. Howling in pain, James fell to the floor and Hank’s other self jumped upon him; fists swelling in rage.

“Stop this, please!” Linda cried as she gasped in horror as Hank’s other self and James started grappling on the floor.

Hank got up from the floor and rubbed his head. He still felt the pain ringing in his head from the earlier punch his other self had given him. As Hank turned around he saw his other self and James grappling on the floor. Everything was playing out exactly like before. Luckily, since Hank had already experienced this, he knew what was going to happen next and knew he didn’t have much time to stop it from happening again.

Without wasting further time, Hank darted across the bedroom and ran to the wardrobe and took out a brown box. He threw the lid away and took out the silver gun that was placed inside.

“Stop this, now!” Hank bellowed as he aimed the gun at James and his other self who were still wrestling on the floor.

His other self and James immediately stopped when they realized a gun was facing them and they rose to their feet. Blood was streaming down both of their faces.

“Who are you?” Linda asked, tears flowing down her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter who I’ am. Just be quiet, all of you,” Hank said, holding the gun with trembling hands. “Good, now that you’re all quiet I want you too--“

But before Hank could finish his sentence, James quickly drew a gun from his pocket and aimed it at Hank. Within that second, time seemed to have slowed down as Hank pressed the trigger and watched in grave as the bullet pierced the chest of James who fell to the ground.

“My god, you killed him,” said Hank’s other self as he slid away from the lying body on the floor.

Hank looked at the James, who lay on the floor lifeless as blood oozed from a cut in his chest. None of this made sense. Last time when he had fought James, James did not have a gun on him and it was he who ran to his wardrobe to get the gun and shoot James. Yet now for some reason, the same thing had happened again but only because James was in possession of a gun.

Just as Hank was about to put the gun down and run out of the house before his other self and his wife called the police, he began feeling dizzy. Hank looked at his hands and to his astonishment fount that his hands where fading, as if they were been rubbed out.

“What’s happening to me?” Hank shouted as he crouched on the floor, clutching his fading body. Soon, Hank’s vision became faded and the last thing he saw was Linda screaming before everything went black.

“Welcome back Mr. Hank McCoy.”

Hank opened his eyes and was startled to find himself facing the scientist who had sent him back to the past earlier. “Where am I, what’s going on?” Suddenly, the early events that happened in the past suddenly sprung to Hank’s mind. “I didn’t do it; I couldn’t stop myself from killing James. I tried to but he had a gun and--“

The scientist cut him of mid-sentence. “Calm down, Mr. McCoy. We are fully aware of what happened and your journey into the past has showed us that the second chance program for criminals cannot work.”

“What? What do you mean the second chance program cannot work? How come I couldn’t stop myself from killing James and why is it that in the past the events were different. When I confronted James in my bedroom before, he had no gun but in that past I went to he did.”

“We should have foreseen it before,” the scientist said more to himself than as an answer to Hank’s questions. “We thought that by sending you to the past for a limited amount of time, you could be able to stop yourself from committing the murder and thus giving your self a second chance in this time but we overlooked the consistency problem.”

Hank stood up and gazed at the scientist as if he had said something that changed the course of his life. “The consistency problem, what’s that?”

“It’s quite simple really, Mr. Hank McCoy. You see, our universe’s timeline is consistent meaning it cannot be changed. Thus any event that has already happened cannot be changed even if we go back to the past or the timeline will be inconsistent. Do you follow me so far, Mr. Hank McCoy.”

“Yes, I understand so far.”

“By us sending you back into the past to stop yourself from killing James Taylor Parker we were trying to change the universe’s timeline which cannot be possible because the timeline is consistent. In order for the timeline to avoid any inconsistencies, it changed some of the way events transpired so no matter what happened the situation would be consistent. In this case, the situation was you trying to stop yourself from committing murder. However, if you had stopped yourself from committing the murder then this would not have been consistent therefore the timeline altered the events a little bit so you would still end up killing James Taylor parker.”

“So the timeline altered the events by giving James a gun and he would use that gun to try and shoot me and I would retaliate and end up killing him.”

“Correct, Mr. Hank McCoy”.

To his surprise, Hank fount tears sliding down his eyes. “I guess that means time gives no one a second chance.”

The scientist walked up to Hank and placed his hands softly on his shoulder. “No Hank. Time has given you a second chance to look back at your life and assess yourself and that is more important than trying to change the events that have happened in our lives.

END

Chris Miller · 06-04-2006, 03:07 PM

I think you have some interesting ideas, and some you seem to have borrowed. His looking at himself in a new light seems original. The "consistency" thing has been done to death. The biggest problem is pace. It feels both rushed and drawn out. It feels rushed because you don't break up the narrative with reflection or reminisence or observation. It's just kind of, "and then... and then... and then." It's drawn out because you tell a lot that is unnecessary and tend to repeat yourself. I think the biggest weakness is just in careless editing and prose though. I would be curious to know how many times you have re-read this. How many times have you looked at each sentence and tried to find even better ways of writing it?

I'll point out a few of the mistakes. It would probably be a good exercise for you to find the rest. Referring to his past self as "his other self" starts to wear on my ear. There is an opportunity to play with some really intetresting point of view here. I mean, why stick to the POV of the one self only? Why does the current self not remember this having happened from the start? There are some huge holes and paradoxes still to be filled and addressed.

Quote:

Whilst Hank sat behind the couch overhearing this conversation he was quite taken aback by James consideration of him.

Lose "Whilst", then this is 2 sentences. James = James' or James's. Lose "quite" In fact lose whole 2nd sentence. It's both telling and obvious.

Quote:

Surly, there was some sort of time limitation to being in the past or he would be stuck here forever.

Surely (look up "surly"). It's so awkward it's funny. Also, might have wanted to sort that out before he went back?

Quote:

He peered his head over the couch to see his other self closing the door behind him.

Delete "his head"--what else would he peer over the couch with? How can he be peering over a couch and also "behind him"?

Quote:

Hank watched as his other self marched upstairs, veins slowing surfacing on his face.

Nice in that you're trying to show anger. "slowing" = slowly

fount = found
knelled = knelt or kneeled

Quote:

He had never realized how angry he was when he came home from work.

Opportunity for humor and reflection here.

I'd suggest you write this story as efficiently and cleanly as you can. Work every sentence like clay, until it's smooth and they all flow together. You strike me as a good fantasizer and idea man, but not someone who likes to polish and critique his rough drafts. May I ask what inspired this piece? Who do you like to read?

Sparx · 06-04-2006, 03:27 PM

Thanks for the indepth advice, Chris Miller. I will definently go over this short story and rewrite it so it reads smoother and the prose is more fluent. I was inspired by watching Back to the future part 1 and decided i wanted to write a short sci-fi story. I read a lot of fantasy books like his dark materials, harry potter, wind on fire, artemis fowl and books like that. Anyway thanks for the feedback, i better start editing.

aliceedelweiss · 06-08-2006, 10:52 AM

I only read part 1 (for now) I really like the idea behind it 'second chances' thats very smart, and you have talent with it so it sounds good. I can't think of much else to say, I'll try to get around to the rest of it soon, as I really liked the first.
Alice

Vulgar` · 06-08-2006, 02:17 PM

This reminds me of the movie "Minority Report" with Tom Cruise and directed by Steven Spielberg.

"In the future, criminals are caught before the crimes they commit."

"Murders are predicted before they can happen."

At the beginning of the story, a husband who suspects his wife for cheating leaves for work, and hides behind a tree. A man knocks at his door, and his wife opens it, looks around, and lets him in. The infuriated husband sneaks into the house and sits next to the bed they are having sex in and cries. He grabs a pair of scissors and is about to kill him when a police team arrives and stops him as he's about to deliver two final blows to his wife and the man she is having sex with.

"You are charged for the future murder of ________"

Beyond the similarities, this is a satisfying trilogy. At least 5 lines in Part 1, 2, and 3 can be edited and corrected. I like the insightful story-telling format, but the unnecessary metaphors and similes shatter any serious mood you were going for.

"His legs became stiff and rigid like a boulder."

That's extremely basic.

A suggestion: His legs became rooted to the spot, and a concrete jungle of moss, vines, and glowing sparks sprouted around him.

Eh, nevermind. Just replace yours with one better-fit to a science fiction introduction. A description of Linda would make the scene even more intense than the situation already is. What was she wearing? (What color panties and all of that.)

I read all 3 one after another - you know how to grab the reader and not let go. This has potential to be a well-written story, though similar to past movies and ideas.

“It doesn’t matter who I’ am. Just be quiet, all of you!" Hank said.

An exclamation point would make a difference in his tone of voice.

"Hank looked at the James, who lay on the floor lifeless as blood oozed from a cut in his chest."

This description of someone being shot is generic, and has been used many times before. I suggest that you work on the main lines of a story that will affect it the most, like this one I just quoted.

"Self defense isn't murder, but don't look at me wrong."

Good job. Check out my stuff if you have time.

Keep doing you