oldman

The chosen sat silent on the floor, the master sat crossed legged on the low bed. The room’s lights were dimmed and the master proceeded to speak in a slow quiet voice.
“I have chosen you, some of you have been with me longer than others , but you have been chosen as you have shown unconditional love for me”.
“I know if I told Simon to die for me tomorrow he would, without question”
Simon continues to stare at the master.
“I know that Rebecca would kill for me if she had to.”
Rebecca’s eyes start to well with tears.
“Some of you have proved yourself to me, but even now there are still people in this room that I doubt”.
“I choose you ten people out hundreds but I only need seven for my mission.”
“Go home and I will call you, If I do not then, “ he pauses, opens his mouth and slowly runs his tongue over his top lip. He makes a guesture with his hand, and Angela quickly comes close to the bed. He leans forward and cups his hand over her ear and whispers. Angela hurries to the kitchen downstairs.

He resumes.
“If I don’t call you, then do not attempt to contact me or anyone of my devotees again. You are dead to me and all left in this room.”
“We have a big job to do to change the world, and I only need those strong enough to do the job.”

Another pause, he looks round the room at the occupants.

“Before you go, I want to ask some of you a few questions.”

Angela hurries back with an ornate tea cup on a saucer. Two cubs of sugar rest on the saucer with a silver tea spoon. She is used to ascending the stairs with the tea. Once she spilled a little on the saucer, so she immediately tipped the tea down the sink, washed to tea cup and started the whole process again.

Her life was to serve. Her reason to be was the master. If another had been selected to get the tea she would have been heart broken. All she needed was a look a glance a smile from her Lord and she was satisfied.

“Angela, how much do you love me?”

“Oh master, more than anything in the world, I want to be with you every second of the day and night, I will do anything for you in this life and the next”

“How many years have you served me?”

“ Seven years master.”

“If I told you to leave what would you do?”

“ I would kill myself master, I would have nothing left to live for”.

“I will call you later”
The rest of the audience shudder. The mathematics runs through everyone’s mind.

“ You all were 0 when I found you, now I have made you 0.1, go home and some of you will return to 0”.

oldman

Any comments welcome

ebmadman

Quote:

He makes a guesture

spelling

Quote:

The chosen sat silent on the floor, the master sat crossed legged on the low bed. The room’s lights were dimmed and the master proceeded to speak in a slow quiet voice.

I would make this sentence flow together smoother, it's ok, just the first part. I would probably put...on the floor as the master, but that's just me.

Quote:

I choose you ten people out hundreds but

Probably out of hundreds.

These are small errors, not too distracting from the story itself, which I liked. Good showing of loyalty for the old fool (lol). It's a good read. Thanks for posting.

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Gunther409

Okay, interesting piece. These would be my suggestions, I'm new so these might not be everything, but it was the best I could do.


The first thing I notice is, if he only needed 7 why would he call up ten, then say I only need seven?

“I choose you ten people out of hundreds but I only need seven for my mission.”

“If I don’t call you, then do not attempt to contact me or anyone of my devotees again. You are dead to me and all left in this room.”

This is weird, why would he tell what are his ten best students our of hundreds that “if I don’t call you again, then sod off?”

This part could use some work:

Once she spilled a little on the saucer, so she immediately tipped the tea down the sink, washed to tea cup and started the whole process again.

This doesn’t make sense, is it past tense or present tense? If it’s past tense, what does it have to do with the story? If it’s present tense IMHO it needs to be modified to fit a little better.

The rest of the audience shuddered. The mathematics runs through everyone’s mind.
-------
“ You all were 0 when I found you, now I have made you 0.1, go home and some of you will return to 0”.

This is an odd sentence, is he telling them to go home? Maybe it should read like so: “You were all 0 when I found you, now I have made you 0.1, when you go home, some of you will return to 0.”



Overall, I'd say this has some potential as a story. Though the theme and dialogue are a bit pretentious. I'd say tone it down, but keep the overall idea.

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Chris Miller

Started out interesting, and I was curious as to what was going on.

I was kind of let down and confused by the weird ending math metaphor.

It seems like you just gave up on the story.

Lots of comma faults and whatnot:

“I choose you ten people out hundreds…”
out of

“Two cubs of sugar…”
cubes

tea spoon = teaspoon

“washed to tea cup”
to=the

heart broken = heartbroken

“The rest of the audience shudder.”
shudders

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